I LIVE!

See, I am alive. Just had a lot on my plate recently and some stuff was too fresh to talk about. But I am feeling a lot better now and I've gotten over a bunch of stuff this winter break.

So first off, I'd like to explain what's been going on in my life recently. On the 18th of December, it was the last day of school for the semester, and thus the second half of the day was cancelled, leaving just first and second period for people to get their exams done. So after screwing around for my first two classes, cause I didn't actually have any exams to take for those, cause we had either gotten them over with already, or no one really cared about them.

Turns out, this girl in my first period who I had thought hated my freaking guts, well, she was actually really competitive and considered me a friend. She told me she got competitive with the smartest people in her classes, specifically. I was kind of dumbstruck for a good ten or so minutes. Here I was thinking that she had honestly hated me. Needless to say, I got her number and got to know her a bit, and it turns out, unsurprisingly actually, that she's a really cool person. She has a boyfriend who's technically not her boyfriend, even though they act like a couple a lot. She's just really cool.

Anyways, my science teacher also brought his dog to school, which was pretty cool to. After getting back to my home high school, I hung out with my Emily, my ex. I think it'll be fine to mention first names, and honestly, it's getting tiring labeling people so you know who I'm talking about, so I'd rather just say their first names, unless they don't want me to, then I'll give them a blog nickname. But onward! I hung out with her for like ten minutes when we got back, then started skipping around the cafeteria, where all the students were being held. Yes, skipping. I skipped like two laps around the place. I got some very funny looks, but I was hyper, so what can I say?

Eventually, they let us into the gym, where they were going to keep people until they were either checked out or the buses came. I was on the bored side, so at first I sat down with Emily and her friends, then I walked around to try to find my friend Elijah, but he was nowhere to be found at that moment. So I went back to Emily and party, but there wasn't anywhere to sit. So I sat in someones lap. "Whose?" You might wonder, and I'll tell you! It was this guy named Jordan whose lap I sat in. And I don't mean on his knee, I mean full on his lap. Sat there for a minute or two before he couldn't handle it anymore XD That was a fun one! I wish I had had a picture taken for memories' sake, and so I could post it on here.

But it wasn't all fun and games. Eventually my super excited feeling ebbed a bit, so I walked off to find a place to sit, charge my phone, and rest. Turns out, the spot I knew of that had the wall outlet also had Elijah in it. He was with his girlfriend and I don't remember if I said hi or not, I think they were having a sweet moment and I didn't want to interrupt, so I walked over to the dark corner and sat down, to wait for my phone to charge, and to observe others. What I observed was a group of people setting up a ping pong table to play on. Emily inevitable went over to play some, and so I had gone from absentmindedly observing others to observing the object of my affections. I kept thinking to myself "Look over here and notice me." I was sad and lonely at this point. I wanted Emily to come over and talk to me, I wished for it, and eventually she did. But as the warning goes, "Be careful what you wish for,"

When she noticed me, she came over and as best I can remember said "Jeeze Alex, you look like a creep." And then walked under the bleachers a bit. After a minute or two she went back to playing Ping Pong or some shit, I don't know, I was too busy sitting there trying to keep myself from falling apart. I know that I can be creepy at times, and don't even mind being creepy on purpose to either entertain others or myself, but when the person you have feelings for calls you a creep, well, it's a whole new ball game

I failed in keeping myself from falling apart, I just slowed it down some. I started crying, plain and simple. I sat there, hiding under my jacket, and I ****ing wept. It hurt being called a creep, and the combined feelings of sadness, loneliness, and hurt overwhelmed me. I have no idea how long I sat there, but eventually my best guy friend in this state, that being Elijah, noticed me under my jacket, so after throwing an orange at me and getting no reaction, he came over and pulled it off me, seeing that I was crying, he forced me to look up at him as he gave me a hug and made me tell him what was wrong.

After telling him what was wrong, he had me (or I decided so myself, can't remember which) go to the restroom to get my face cleaned up. After wiping my face up as best I could, I went to the restroom, which in the gym was also the boy's locker room, to splash water on my face, blow my nose, and generally clean up. This guy from my math class who I had a general disdain for happened to be in there, getting changed for some sport or something, and he noticed that I was crying. He went from talking with his friends to being concerned for me so fast that it kind of stunned me. After telling him that the girl I liked had called me a creep, he was like "I'm sorry, I can't beat up a girl for you." Like, if it was a guy that had been the reason I was crying, he was completely prepared to go beat them up for me. I felt and feel ashamed for judging Dalton the way I had been. After chuckling a bit, I thanked him for his concern (I'm pretty sure I did, at least.) and proceeded to wash my face off and clean up.

After exiting the locker room, I go over and play some ping pong myself for a bit, but the other person leaves and since I'm left alone there, I just set the paddle down and try to find something to do. Everything after exiting the locker room is kind of a blur, and I can't chronologically place a certain event either. At some point in this whole mess of things, I had been around Emily and her friends, and wanted to tell them about something really embarrassing that I did to Emily a week or so before, but Emily threatened to fight me if I did so, so I wrapped my arms around her and forcefully held her in a playful way while I tried to start my story. But she thrashed, bit, and eventually screamed, and that was when I realized she was actually freaking out. I immediately let her go and walked away, waiting until my dad arrived to check me out. As I was walking towards the exit to the gym, I found Emily and apologized to her. I hadn't realized until she screamed that she wasn't just playing around. You might think the biting would have been the tell, but she usually likes to bite anyways, so that's why I couldn't tell from that. Anyways, she forgave me and that was that for the day.

I'll continue this in another post tomorrow night, because at this point this is kinda long!

Night y'all, Alex out!

Trapped

Trapped by my own heart,

My feelings a prison,

The walls of my emotions,

Built like steel.

The warden is she,

Locked me up,

Swallowed the key,

Laughed merrily at my pleas.

Yeah, So Love Sucks and Rocks, Oh, and Night Terrors

I said in a comment on one of my favorite authors' stories on Wattpad (I'll leave a link at the end of the post leading to his Wattpad, he's awesome!) that I was actually jealous of his characters who had developing relationships or ones that were deepening, and it's true, I am. I'm also jealous of my friends with relationships and deepening ones. Why? Because I long for that, but the girl who I fell in love with, and never fully got over, and who I'm probably stupidly falling for again, through my own decision and fault, too, never reciprocated my feelings the first time. And probably won't this time! But I'm a glutton for punishment it seems, and a hopeless romantic to boot.

I mean I fell in love with her, to put it simply. It wasn't spontaneous either, I literally fell for her over a year and a half, approximately. She's fun to be around, the only person I can truly come out of my shell with. I don't have to be like I have been with her. I can be hyper and talkative, silly, mischievous, all the things I used to be, before shit like Florida happened. You should all have seen me as a kid, I always had something to say, always wanted to do something. Active and happy I was. But over time, I lost those qualities and became more of how I am normally.

Today, it was actually quite tiring to be so exuberant and upbeat, but incredibly fun too. I wish I was like that all the time. Although, I was remarkably more confident acting today than other days previously, which is strange, but not altogether a bad thing. I need some confidence in myself, now more than ever.

On another note, I had a night terror today, while I was napping after school. I won't go into details, cause I don't want to start crying, but let's discuss how I woke up.

I woke up in a cold sweat, with a pins in needles feeling along my body, except multiplied by a hundred and every little touch and movement made it worse. Since aspies tend to have sensitive to touch skin in the first place, this was just borderline painful for me. Instead of sitting up and screaming or yelling, when I have the rare night terror, I lock up in the fetal position and go dead silent. It takes a few minutes for me to unlock and move, but I didn't get up for probably a solid ten to thirty minutes. I just lay there quietly.

Now, I can probably count the amount of night terrors I've had on one hand, but those are just the ones I remember. I may have had plenty more, but I've just forgotten them, who knows? I tend to forget a lot of the stuff I dream, so it's fairly plausible.

I don't really have much to say right now about this. Maybe I'll be able to talk about this at some later point, but for now, there's only a few people I can talk about this with.

Night y'all. Hope you all have non night terror filled nights.

Author is RickyPine @ https://www.wattpad.com/user/RickyPine

Hey Princess

So, there's something to be said about people that have never fallen in love. It's that they truly don't know nor can they understand how it feels to fall in love with someone, have them reject you, try to get yourself over them, and then try to be friends with them months later (years for some people). It's something I accepted early on, that I wouldn't be able to completely annihilate my feelings for my ex, due to the fact I fell for her that deeply. And let's put aside the skepticism that teenagers can or can not fall in love for now. Well, I'm friends with her, and having actual conversations, and she invited me to her birthday party, I even asked her if I was invited, cause she hadn't formally told me so. Her reaction was a little explosive, exclaiming at me why wouldn't she invite me? I didn't want to tell her that I figured I wasn't cause she hadn't said anything, because it's hard revealing my insecurities to anyone. Especially her.

I'm a little off-track with that first paragraph though. The point of this is that since I started talking with my ex again, I've felt heartsick. You might think that emotions can't effect your physical well-being that much, but oh how you would be wrong. I have been longing to hold her, to touch her, to kiss her, stuff that I can't do, because I'm just a friend. I want to be more confident, to be able to walk tall and proud. Today, she was leaning against the doorway of her 4th and I didn't realize until later that would have been a perfect moment for me to step up to her, lean over her with both my arms beside her head, then abruptly move away and walk to my class like nothing had happened. Of course, that also would have taken courage that I don't possess to do.

My emotional state affects my physical one. If I'm not confident, I'll have a hunched over, timid walk. If I am heartsick and depressed, then I'll be wearing my black jacket, look a bit on the unemotional side, and generally avoid talking with people. If I'm happy, I'll walk upright and slightly confident, maybe skip down the halls a bit if I'm happy enough. But that's the gist of it. So what kind of emotional state would it take for me to pull off the confident bad boy routine? Probably some sort of anger or frustration, mixed in with just raw confidence, which is something I don't get often, but that I have had before.

I actually just had a brilliant idea. From now on, whenever I'm talking to my ex, I'm going to refer to her as princess in an annoying way, just to get under her skin. Usually I just take her beanie and walk off a bit, but I think that something new is required!

So, why haven't I updated in awhile? Things have been kind of boring, nothing too new in my life has happened much, other than that I'm nearing finals for this semester and my dealing with my ex.

Another thing, if anyone ever wonders if Aspies can flirt, we can. I can flirt, though I do it in a rather particular, and probably confusing, way.

I'm gonna post a little more frequently, but for now, I don't have much else to talk about.

What it's Like Being Stuck Inside the Head of an AS Teen That is Near Breaking Point

Honestly, right now I'm almost at my most unstable since middle school. I'm having violent thoughts, I'm moody, lonely, and feel like crying, but I can't, because if I cry that means I'll be exposing myself to possible taunting and bullying and I can't do that, I can't show weakness, not even when I'm alone. I had three different scenarios in my head today about attacking this stupid freshman on my bus, another about four ROTC kids trying to gang up on me, another concering some ROTC dudes, and I'm just sick of it. I hate being in my head. I want out. I don't know how to get out though. I refuse to ever commit suicide, as that's a permanent escape, but the end of my life, and I have too much to live for. I'm hurting right now, for various reasons. Because of my violent thoughts, because of me having to hurt someone else emotionally through rejection, because I'm lonely and want what I see some of the couples at my school have, which is a deep caring for each other, love. My sensory issues in my 4th certainly don't help, having my head ringing every day, but not wanting to put headphones in because if I do it enough, it'll attract the wrong sort of attention from the wrong sort of people, at least so I fear. One of my best friends says I need to reset, to hang out with someone, get out of the house and get out of my head. It's not so simple though, it would be hard for a normal person, I think, but for someone with AS, it's even harder I feel. I don't know some people have coped, but I had to learn to be constantly aware of my surroundings and analyze people to learn to socialize and survive. So just shutting something I've done for years down isn't so easy, and won't allow me escape that easily. I miss the days where I could maybe just blindly play video games, not caring about whether I was good or not, just play and have fun. The only thing that I can do that stops me from thinking is when I get extremely lust filled, but I don't want to use sex as an escape, because that's just a band-aid, temporary, not going to fix anything in the long run. I learned to make myself this way, to lock my emotions into a safe, throw them in a void, not cry, analyze and learn, undoing all of this is hard, I don't even know if it's possible, honestly. The only time I feel better is a day or so after I've had a real good crying, the ugly kind of crying I mean, but as I said before, I've forced myself to not cry, so I can't cry easily. I believe I mentioned this in the last post somewhat, but the last time I had a good cry like that was when I last thought about suicide, which was months ago. The time before that was when I was still with my now ex, after the first football scrimmage game, during which our schools' band had done their stuff and such, and she being in band, I went there to support her and stuff, but for most of it I felt really lonely and the times I got to see her, she didn't want to be close to me at all, which had hurt, using the excuse that it was really hot, but then I see her sitting really close, like, REALLY CLOSE to this other dude in the bleachers in the band area and I didn't think about it consciously at the time, but I think I recognized sub-consciously that she really didn't like me and that our relationship was basically over and that this dude she was sitting with, she liked. On the way home, my brother having picked me up, I just broke down crying, cause I had hit a breaking point with all my stress, worries, fears, and insecurities pushing me towards that point. And the next person she dated was indeed that guy from the bleachers, so that was a thing. Anyways, this week has just been a whole crap shoot of stuff building up to this point, this point where I either break or break. There's no make it in this scenario. Not for me at least. With normal people, it would seem like maybe this is coming out of nowhere, but for people who either know about AS or know people with AS, or people who have AS, they'll understand that tiny things can build up and up for us, until we hit that meltdown point.

Goodbye, For Now.

It's been a bit since I last posted, and I do in no way apologize :D But actually, nothing much has gone on, except a lot.

Okay okay, I'll give it to you straight. I "dated" the girl for a week, then on Sunday she came over to hang out and things almost immediately took a sexual turn, we went further than either of us were ready for, and she left a note saying she still liked me, but wasn't ready for a boyfriend. I took Monday to keep to myself and think. And so I did. I thought and thought, examined, figured out, and came up with some things.

First is that I don't actually have feelings for the girl. Or if I did, the hurt of some stuff that was said on Sunday wiped away whatever budding feelings I had for her. I told her this today, Tuesday, and she took it about as well as she could have, in the situation where the one you like rejects you because they don't feel the same way. Having been in that position before, and rather recently too, I know the best thing I can do for her is to give her space to cope and accept this, and hopefully move on. 

One of three things will happen afterwards, one of which happened with the girl who rejected me. One, she'll hate me and not even try to speak to me again, if not outright ignore me. Two, we'll still be friends, sort of, but we'll just grow more and more distant as time goes on, until we don't even speak any more, but at least that would be on more neutral terms than #1. And then there's the last one. Three, we'll become even closer friends than before, possibly best friends. I think option two is the most likely out of all of them. (On a side note, the option that happened with me and the girl that rejected me was also option two. (On another side note, also referred to as a side side note, a girl who I liked a long time ago is now one of my most trusted and best friends. (I don't like her that way now, obviously, but thought I would make that clear)))

I won't go into details of the sexual encounter for the moment, but maybe at a later date... If I remember it!

No poem today, unfortunately, but oh well, I can't be a literary genius all the time! *winky face*

But I do have another topic to talk about! It's kind of morbid though. Someone at my school committed suicide recently, and while I didn't know the girl personally, a few of my friends did, and from what I saw, it's really not easy on them, having someone they know kill themselves.

At the risk of getting my ass yelled at, I would like to say that while I don't condone suicide, it is the persons choice, and while I see it as the cowards way out, I respect the fact that it was their choice to make.

I've gone through some serious stuff, but while it's possible I may have had times where I very briefly contemplated suicide, I knew that things would get better, so I stuck through it and I still stick through things. Things certainly aren't as bad as they used to be. And also, by saying this, I'm not implying that other people have gone through less shit than me, other people have certainly had to wade in deeper shit than I have, but the severity of each persons situation is more opinion based, I think.

The thing is, there are times where it's painful to be stuck inside my head, whether that be physically or emotionally. The physical times are when my sensory issues, namely hearing, are more to the front than usual, like in math class, almost every day when the teacher is, well, teaching, my head is ringing from how loud everything sounds. Sometimes it's also in my head though. I haven't had one of these moments in a while, but one particular one that happened earlier this year was more severe than the others, and for a moment I had wanted out of my own head so badly that I had contemplated suicide, and then when I realized I had actually thought about it, even for a split second, I broke down crying, and I mean the real ugly kind of crying.

Thankfully, one of my really awesome friends was up at this point in time, her name starts with R, you know who you are :D anyways, she was up (It was the middle of the night.) and she was there for me when I needed a friend the most. She helped me calm down and talked through with me why I had contemplated it. I don't specifically remember what had triggered it, but I know it was from a certain chapter in a certain book. 

I don't even know what point I'm trying to make, to be honest. In fact, I'll leave this up to others to interpret. Though, one last thing. While I've contemplated it in the past, I would never, ever, EVER, actually commit suicide, because I understand that things will get better and that I have a lot more to live for and experience.

I think that's it for this post, goodnight y'all.

Drifting

Just drifting on this sea,
This sea of flames, of destruction, of anger, of hate...
This sea of life, of love, of happiness, of creation...

Are we still friends?
Or are we strangers?
Do you still know me?
Or have you forgotten it all?

We're drifting apart,
Nothing to be done about it.
You can't stop it, I can't stop it.
You say it's inevitable, but what if you try?
What if I try?

Try to save it,
Save us,
Save our friendship!

Or just give up,
Accept it,
Face the facts,
It's the end.

Is it?

My friend feels we have been drifting apart. I didn't even notice. I'm normally kind of distant from my friends, whether that's just me or if I'm sub-consciously trying to avoid something or what, I don't know. I've worked hard, very, very hard, to get friends, to stop being all alone, which is probably why I don't like letting go of anyone I consider a friend, sometimes even if they aren't really my friend and just use me or get a laugh out of making me mad. This friend isn't like that, not really. He's someone I would trust my life with and I simply don't want to lose him as a friend, because in this world, the bad people outnumber the good people, as sad a fact as that is, but when you find the good people, you don't want to let them go, even if you yourself are one of those bad people.

I Just Want To Cry

I'm tired of being alone...
Isolated up in my room,
No one to talk to,
No one to hear me.

I just want to cry,
To break down,
Sob and crumble,
To destroy my carefully built wall.

Let my persona go,
Let people see the real me,
Just let it end,
And let me not be abandoned.

Past, Present, and Future

If one loses sight of the now by staring into the past, then they won't be able to see their future.

It's a simple fact that humans have to move forward to survive. We can't dwell on our past in a negative way if we want to improve ourselves and look at our future. We can study our past to find out what we did wrong, so that we may improve ourselves and avoid our past mistakes. But if we continue to obsess over our past, and especially in a negative manner, then we'll just crumble.

I talk about this because for awhile, I was having trouble getting over my ex, and I was doing my best to not dwell on the past because I knew that it would just unravel me if I did so. So I did what I needed to, which was to move past it and look at my future, and Time as my companion in this endeavor, as always.

But what I didn't see in my future, because I didn't believe it could happen to me, was a girl liking me. It's happened once or twice before, but it's so rare that I simply don't expect it, and even believe that it won't happen, but it does, and it has. The girl who likes me is the one I've referred to as 'the girl' in most cases. She's liked me for a while now, and at some point, I started seeing her as more than a friend and started liking her back. A few days ago, I couldn't see her because she had to clean her room and some other stuff, (I had thought this was some bs excuse, but apparently she actually did need to clean her room!) and for the next two days I was really lonely because I couldn't see her, well really I was too scared to go down and see her for fear of being told to go away.

It was quite a miserable time for me, but you know what it helped me realize? It helped me realize how much I liked her and how much I depended on being able to hang out and talk with her to keep from being lonely. The only time I wasn't completely bored and miserable was when I was hanging out with my mom watching TV and reading.

But today, or yesterday, for me at least, as it is 1:15 AM when I am typing this, I went over to the girl's house and knocked on the door, and lo and behold, the girl answers the door. We sit down to talk in her living room and I tell her my feelings for her and she seems pleased that I return her feelings. A lot of the stuff we talked about I can't discuss on here without her permission as it was very private stuff, and even with her permission I wouldn't put it on here, but we did just sit and cuddle for literally hours and I got her on Facebook so that we can talk while not being in the same room and so it is easier to arrange when we can go over to each others houses. We were talking on Facebook later, more private stuff, but one thing we did decide is that we're dating now, so yay!

The overall point of this post, other than to update you on my life so far, is to say this: No matter what happens, Time is your eternal companion and it will guide you through the good and bad, so don't dwell on the past, do not be blind to to present, and do look towards your future.

That's all for now y'all, Alex out!

Invisible

Sometimes I am invisible,
No one in the world to see,
No thought or feeling for me.

There are times when I am quiet,
Times where I am still,
Times where I'm just not there...

Do you give a second glance,
A second thought,
For the hushed, the reticent,
The ones who feel alone?

I just came up with that. And you know what I realized today? I have two friends who do that, who give that second glance, that second thought, to people like me, people who more often than not, feel alone and invisible, even when they try to speak up, they still go unnoticed. And while most of the time I'm fine with it, there are other times where I just wish people could notice me, times when I really NEED someone to notice and ask me how I'm doing, or if I am alright. And for the past day and a half, I've needed that, and thankfully, people did notice me.

Yesterday after I got home from school, I immediately went over to the girls house, cause I wanted to hang out and talk, but her dad told me she had to clean her room, and that it would take hours to do so. So I accepted that and left. But as I was halfway home, I realized how bullshit that was, cause the day before yesterday, I had been in there and it was practically spotless, and then when I got home and talked with my family about it, I realized it was him basically telling me to fuck off, in a very polite and indirect way. After I realized that, I got embarrassed, angry, and depressed. The first two are obvious, but why would I get depressed? Because I realized how much I liked the girl and how much I wanted to see her and talk to her. And now I really want to tell her that I like her so much.

But I'm staying away for a few days, because I had been going over there a lot and I guess I just need to stay away for a few days. Although, I know of a way I can talk with the girl without having to worry about her family... For now, I'll wait until Monday, and if they give some bs excuse again, I'll confront them about it, and if they won't let me see her, well, then I'll put my R&J plan into action!

I'll add on to that poem if I think up anything else to continue it.

Bye y'all, have a wonderful evening/morning/afternoon, Alex out!

Should I Have Kissed Her? Probably.

So, today was pretty uneventful... not. I woke up to my alarms today, thankfully. The night before I had set my alarms to a bunch of different annoying sounds so that I don't have a chance to get used to a single alarm. It worked.

I get on the bus and the girl has a migraine and is really irritable, so that sucked a bit, but I figured that there would be days like that, and there are bound to be more. My feelings for her are starting to solidify I think. I definitely had the urge to kiss her today, but more on that later.

The school day was fairly boring, 2nd period was 3 hours today, but oh well, such is life. I would like to talk about lunch, though. First, some background on my personality. I like to both be quiet and talk a lot. But since I still have some socializing problems, It's really hard for me to start conversations, so I usually jump into one if I see or hear something interesting. Which leads on to lunch. During lunch, my two friends in front of my were talking about random anime stuff and scrolling through pictures, as usual, when, somehow, I engaged them in conversation about the Maximum Ride books, though I don't remember how. This lead to a lunch-long discussion about Maximum Ride, the books, and the graphic novels of the books, which was a pretty cool conversation. One is even going to let me borrow some of her graphic novels of the books so that I can read them!

Yeah, that's it really for the school day. Well, actually, there is 4th period, and it's about one of my sensory issues, which is the one I have problems with less so than touch, but more so than smell, which is sound. I the noises in 4th have been off the charts all week, lots of yelling and talking and it's just not fun for me. So I asked the teacher if I could put my headphones in my ears to dampen the noise a bit, and she said it was fine, so I did it, and it surprisingly helped a lot! So many of the noises that I had had to deal with before were just dampened down or not even audible to me anymore, and the loudest sound for me was my breathing. That also helped me focus more and helped me get my test done.

But yeah, the bus ride home with the girl was pretty funny, she still had a headache, but the people around us were rowdy and the talk was silly, although loud. I'm sure that didn't help her too much, but she had said that she wanted to try to come over to my house today, so I asked her if she wanted me to just go over to her house to get her, and she said yeah. We didn't agree on any specific time, so I waited about half an hour, then went over.

She had been asleep, but she said it was fine since the alarm she had set was about to go off. We actually hung out at her place for a couple hours before heading over to mine. When we got here, we lay down in the living room to watch Big Hero Six. I cuddled up next to her and held hands with her. it was, quite frankly, really enjoyable. Another thing is that, uh, well, for some reason I kept getting aroused with her around, hehe. At the end of the movie, I walked out of the room to let my dad know that I would be walking her home in a moment, and when I walked back in, she was hugging my cat. It was so adorable, I had to lean over and ask her what she was doing XD

And this was where I really wanted to kiss her, as our mouths were really close to each other, but I decided not to and instead pressed a half kiss to her cheek and got up. We did hold hands walking home though. It was already dark by that time, but the half moon tonight lit things up fairly well.

For some reason, I wanted to know how much she liked me, though I knew that she did, so I asked her, and she just said "a lot"

I wasn't entirely sure why I asked the question though. Still am not.

And now I'm sitting here, typing this up and wondering "Should I have kissed her?" And the answer is "Probably."

Well, night y'all, Alex out :3

Indescribable feelings on the rise...

I'm gonna forgo the daily description of what happened today since nothing particularly important happened. Instead, I'm gonna talk about my feelings. No, don't leave! I promise it won't be super teenage angsty!

But seriously, feelings are tough for me. I have a hard time describing deeper feelings past the basics. Angry, sad, happy, neutral, that's about as complicated as I can describe things, usually. I occasionally deal with jealousy, but not often enough that it's easily identifiable for me. I have no clue if this is just a me thing, or if many aspies have this issue, but that's how it is for me.

So, with indescribable feelings on the rise for the girl, I am at a bit of a loss. One of my friends thinks I'm starting to like her more, and I agree with her, I am, but what these feelings exactly are is the real mystery for me. How much I like her, in what way exactly do I like her, how do I name these feelings? I have lots of questions about this, and unfortunately, no way for something to help me, which means I'll have to blunder through them until I can discover the names of these feelings on my own.

People may be able to offer advice, but I may not be able to understand or apply it since I'm quite different from most people, and on top of it, a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic (that is really angry at a certain author right now for killing off my favorite character in a certain book, you know who you are *glares*) and having read some peoples definitions for what a hopeless romantic is, I can actually agree that I am one and that that complicates things for me somewhat with these multicolored ball pits of feelings that I've been tossed into with no foreseeable bottom to land on.

I find that I miss the girl when she's not around and I actually really wanted her to come over to my house and hang out with me today, but she never showed up, although I anxiously hoped and waited. It's not a super intense feeling, but it's strong enough that it's noticeable to me. It's sort of scary, to be perfectly honest, the way I am falling for her. With my ex, or anyone previously, actually, it was strong and fast, it burned brighter and hotter than a supergiant class star. (pulled that off of the internet, so sorry if it's not factually accurate!) With this girl, the girl, it's a slow burn, there's a build up, but I have no experience in this, and I'm honestly not sure how to interpret some things that I am feeling and what to do.

 I don't know when we should go out on a date, if I'll like her that much by then. She's never gone on a date before, and I've only gone on one, so there's a definite lack of experience for us, which can both be good and bad. Good that we get to experience some things for the first time with each other, possibly. Bad because we might fuck up royally, and since neither of us have experience, we might not be able to repair whatever we do fuck up. I would certainly try my damnedest to fix things when it happens, but stuff like that still worries me.

I know that Time will certainly be my faithful companion for this adventure, but that doesn't mean I can't be impatient or anxious about it. Does Time stay with us when we die though? Tough question, right? We don't know what happens when we die, do we just go into a void, do we go to heaven or hell, or do we wander the Earth for the rest of eternity, and that can sound both good and bad, too. I would personally like to wander the Earth forever, but only if I was at peace with myself and all my past actions.

This is another indescribable feeling, not exactly on the rise, but it's a constant. The feeling of Death. Death is not the same as time, Death isn't a constant companion, but the risk of meeting with Death is. The world isn't a safe place. There isn't a single moment in a persons' life when they are completely and utterly safe. And if you want to look at it more abstractly, there are more types of Death than the physical, there's the emotional and the mental too. And the reason I type Death and Time with capital letters at the beginning, as if they were proper nouns, is because they are so to me. One is my rock in my life, the one there for me through the rough rapids and the smooth shallows. The other is the one I fear the most, that I don't wish to meet until I've lived a long and happy life, until I've done all I can for this world. Maybe it won't be much, maybe it'll be a lot, we don't know yet.

Goodnight all, Alex signing off for now.

"Time escapes me..."

It's been six days since my last post... I'm sorry, really, I am. I can't really remember what happened past last friday, but I do know this. Time escapes me rather often, during the summer I can go a week or two without really understanding how much time has passed. And so that is how the last week has been for me, time is flying and I just can't keep up.

I'll give a brief summary of each day unless important moments pop up in my memory.

So, Friday I had woken up at the exact moment that the lunch bell usually rings for me. And it took me exactly one second after I woke up to realize I had overslept, and another second after seeing the time to know that I had already missed over half the school day. So I got up, went downstairs, and played Fallout 4. Yup, didn't have a ride to school, so there was nothing for me to have done about that!

On Saturday, I woke up feeling restless, because this was the day that I had planned on going to the girl's house to see if she could hang out. I spent the first half of the day restlessly doing whatever I could to entertain myself, until at about 1 P.M. I got up and left the house to walk down the street to her house. Turns out, she was doing yard work, and had to get it done before she could come over. So me and one of her other friends hung about and helped her with her yard work. It was genuinely fun, talking with her, joking around, but at some point I focused on the work and got it done as quickly as possible so that she could come over. I was that excited!

When she did come over, we went up to my room and played Fallout 3 and talked. It was just plain enjoyable. At some point, I ended up holding her hands because they were so cold, and we talked while I held them. It was comforting and nice in an almost indescribable way. It was a way in which I haven't felt in a long time, I didn't even feel that way with my ex. Later, her aunt invited me to go with them to church on Sunday, and I'm agnostic, although I really lean closer to the atheist side, but without solid proof of existence or lack thereof of a God, I can't be sure. But yeah, I'm agnostic, and don't much care for organized religion, but for the girl, since it would make her happy, I accepted.

Sunday appears over the horizon as I slept, I wake up early so that I don't miss their car when it comes to pick me up. The ride takes something like half an hour to forty five minutes, but when we get there, I see that it's a really big church. I start to really dread it when I see how many people there are, but oh well, I was in it and there wasn't any backing out. I wouldn't back out even if I could though, because I wasn't going to go back on my word. Entering the church, we start to go up to our seats after one of our group gets some coffee. On the way, I start a mini theological debate with the girl, which didn't turn into an argument, thankfully. The entire thing though wasn't that bad, but it's just not to my tastes.

On Monday, I miss the bus by a few minutes, but thankfully catch my dad just as he is leaving for work and I manage to get to school at about the same time the buses are letting off, so that turned out alright. But I did pass right by the girl without her even noticing me. She looked really tired and less than half there, so it didn't bother me too much that she didn't notice me.

It was around this time I started to slack off a bit from my school work, and fast forwarding to earlier today, I realized that focusing so heavily on my school work has been what's allowed me to move past my old feelings for my ex. I was feeling really emotional today during my classes, except for the time that I was focusing solely on my work. So yeah, focusing on my work actually helps me a lot, it's sort of therapeutic for me.

Honestly, I've found myself starting to miss the girl's presence lately. Sometimes I miss the bus in the morning, or other times I won't be able to ride home in the afternoon, and it's hard to explain. I like the habit of sitting next to the girl and listening to music while talking with her, or listening to her and all my friends talk, or just sitting in silence. There's not really a way for me to define it, it just is. Hopefully some of you out there understand what I'm trying to say and maybe can better put into words what I am talking about?

That's all for now, I just wanted to make sure I got a post out today, I'm really sorry, again, time escapes me easily, but also I'm just naturally lazy, and was too lazy to post XD

Bye bye y'all, Alex out!

Time

Time, my loyal companion
My first ally, one who never lies to me
My first enemy, one who forces me to endure
A healer of the broken ones

The first to promise me more
The last to give it
But always there
Whether for good or ill

I came up with that pretty much in the past 15 minutes. Just, out of the blue. It may not be the most profound or deep poem, but it's from my heart.

So, today was... well, it was mostly shitty. I woke up late, having missed the bus, and had an inside moral debate with myself on if I wanted to go back to sleep and stay home or go to school. So, of course, ignoring whatever instinct or though had compelled me to stay home, I went to bloody school. Which, in the end, was probably the best choice, but I could have avoided some serious embarrassment if I had stayed home, and some shame too. But I'm getting a bit ahead of myself.

So, my brother drove me to school, and while he was doing that, he told me about a girl with symptoms similar to that of Asperger's that he had met, though she wasn't diagnosed with it, officially. Only about a year or so older than me, she sounded interesting. I'm gonna see if I can meet her sometime :p

So, he dropped me off at school, and during second, there were more tours, as we had been giving tours to middle and elementary schoolers all week, but my teacher was getting tired of constantly saying the same thing over again, so he handed it off to us, and as it's still a business class, we were sort of required to do it. I went first, and I gotta say, even though they were elementary kids, it was tough. It's tough just speaking normally, as I like to think through what I say usually, and not just blunder through, but I had to blunder through this. And when they were leaving, I didn't really know what to say, so I just said "Have a good day, children." and promptly got called a creep by my classmates and teacher. While I know it was all in good fun, it still stings just a bit. I don't mean to be creepy in my mannerisms or speech, but more often than not I come off that way.

Speed forward a bit, bus ride home I'm listening to music, still doing my best to avoid Emily and thoughts about her, and surprisingly, it's working. Time and avoidance are allowing me to move past her. I'm having less thoughts about her, and when I do, they're more often just idle wonderings I have about most people, rather than specific thoughts about her. So things are going better.  I don't really try to talk to her anymore either. Whatever feelings I had for her burned high and bright, but went out just as fast.

In 3rd is where shit really hit the fan for me. We're reading The Great Gatsby and we had to get with our character groups. I got with my group, the character is Nick. We were to draw Gatsby's mansion and write quotes that represented him. Well, when I found them, I was extremely intimidated by them. They were these two girls, B and A. I won't mention names, so that they can stay anonymous.

Well, anyways, they intimidated me like no other person before. I don't even really understand why they intimidated me, but it just made me feel small and awkward, and so I just kinda meekly sat there without knowing what to do. I contributed a couple quotes, but I honestly wasn't needed and felt that I would just get in the way if I tried to do much. One was an amazing artist and didn't need help at all with that. The other was amazing with writing, and didn't need help with that at all. I got to write down my two quotes, but they felt sloppy and inadequate compared to the two girls' work. And at the end of class, I felt even more embarrassed, and especially ashamed, because I should have, and could have contributed more. I also slept through most of 4th, but that's of little consequence, since I got the notes down and understood what we were doing, and got the work done.

A little upside was that I finally got to start on conditioning for track today. The rain had stopped and it was bright and sunny. I wasn't hydrated very well, which made it a bit harder, but I pulled through, and didn't die, so it's all good.

On the ride home, as my friend was dropping me off, we passed the girl's house, as she lives on my street, and I'm pretty sure I saw her outside with a kid, though I wasn't sure because we passed by so fast. But when we did pass, and I saw her, for a split second, I felt my heart do a strange little flutter that I haven't felt before. I'm still not sure what my feelings for her are, but only Time will tell.

Oh, and the deathclaws in Fallout 4 are fucking scary.

That's all for today, bye y'all, Alex out.

I'm Sorry, I'm Tired, and I'm Hungry

So, I missed yesterday's post, and now I don't really remember much that happened yesterday, except for the important things. But I've gotten permission to talk about one of the events, so I shall.

I was bored during lunch yesterday, and so I went up to a friend and acquaintance, whom I shall refer to as R and S. So, R was telling me about how this fucking prick in one of her classes is always making crude and mean jokes about her body in this class. I mean, physically, she's attractive, that's obvious, but her personality is what is more attractive, and if that prick can't see that, well he can go rot in hell. I can guarantee all of you that R is fucking awesome and you should all totally be friends with her and stuff! So at the time, I didn't really know how to respond, so I just sort of agreed with her that that sucked.

Fast forwarding a little bit to the evening, I looked back on this and started to get enraged. Like actually enraged. I wanted to go and beat the living shit out of this dude and make him regret ever being a jerk to my friend. I'm extremely loyal to my friends, maybe to a fault, but it's how I am. But this wasn't to a fault, this was me being royally pissed off. I cherish the friends I have, respect them, and want to protect them however I can, even if they don't need it.

I don't have a younger sibling, I am the youngest in my sibling group, but if I did, I think the protectiveness I have for some of my friends, including R, would be that of an older brother. I think I explained that correctly. I don't want to see my friends hurt. So I told her that I really wanted to beat the shit out of the dude, and she told me that she was gonna file a report against him since he's sexually harassing her. I hope he gets expelled, fucking human scum. So yeah, R is a really cool person, you all should totally be her friends if you ever meet her! Not that you know who she is, of course :)

So yeah, yesterday was interesting, but again, I don't really remember much.

ON TO TODAY!

Today was tiring. Still is tiring. Fallout 4 came out today, woo! But I can't play it yet cause my dad has been playing it. I will tomorrow.

I actually didn't fall asleep until late into 1AM last night, so today I was left very tired and grumpy. I just wanted to sleep, in fact I did fall asleep a few times, but at very inopportune times. Like just as the bus was arriving at the school, or while we were being given instructions in 3rd. I was also really hungry, which didn't help. I hadn't had any money for lunch, and so I went hungry for a few hours. But when I got home, after leaf blowing the driveway, I went inside, grabbed two packets of poptarts, and went upstairs to eat both of them and fall asleep.

Nothing truly exciting happened today, other than riding home. The bus ride home, hmm. Well, I sat next to C, as per usual, and sort of talked to her for a bit, but I didn't really know how to conduct myself today. I didn't know what to do or what to talk about. Then the people around me, including her, started up in a category game where they shouted what they could about the category, like colors or types of drinks. I tried to be silly and make her laugh or something, but I sort of failed at that. Sometimes I really just don't know what to do with myself, so I just listened to the music I had playing and sung along softly under my breath at times in which a song I liked came on, usually love songs.

I really like love songs. I'm a hopeful romantic. Notice how I didn't say 'hopeless romantic'. Well that's because I'm actually hopeful that I will find a meaningful relationship one day. Maybe it will be with C, maybe it will be far in my future, but all I can do is hope right now. I've read a lot about various aspies in their marriages, a few from the Aspies POV, but mostly from the NT partners POV, and it makes me wonder if we can actually have a successful relationship and marriage with NTs. I obviously won't know the answer to that for many years, but it's something I rarely contemplate.

That's all for tonight, I'll see y'all tomorrow, Alex out!

A Dreary Sunday of Fun

To start off this night's post, I gotta say, it's a tad disconcerting that while I'm getting a decent amount of page views, I'm not getting any comments or followers either. I mean, I have one follower, but that's it. There's no way for me to know if there are things I need to improve upon or do differently or if there are things you readers specifically want me to talk about. Please, make an account, even if temporary, and comment your thoughts about each post? I don't care about follows, really, I just want to talk to you guys :)

Anyways, today wasn't very eventful. I woke up at 12 PM from dreaming about someone I haven't even though about in a long time. But I won't talk about it, as it's pretty personal. I mean, I know I've talked about some fairly personal stuff on here before, but some stuff is more personal than other stuff, to me at least.

But yeah, I pretty much spent the whole day in front of my computer screen. And before you tell me to "Go outside." It was rainy and wet all day, so ha! It's still rainy and shit, actually. As I type this, my cat is burrowing into a really cozy and warm blanket in my room... and my hands are cold and slightly numb. That's right, I'm risking my fingers here to type this out to you guys, so you better appreciate it! :p

I don't really have anything to talk about tonight, and it's late and my melatonin is kicking in, so I'm gonna be heading to bed shortly. In fact, after this post, I'm gonna be laying down to sleep!

Really, that's it. Goodnight folks, Alex out!

A Day Late And A Day On Time

I'm sorry, this is a day late, and I was way too tired yesterday to blog. So I'll tell you about yesterday.

Yesterday, when I woke up, it was raining. I found this out by locking myself out of the house without a jacket on, but with my backpack. Now, I have a house key, but honestly I was too lazy to go back in and grab one. So, I ran to the bus stop, which was under a tree, thankfully, and it wasn't too long before the bus arrived. When I got on it, I went to my usual seat, although I half wanted to go sit with the girl and talk with her. But I didn't, regrettably. I wish I had though.

So, after sitting in my usual seat, after a little bit I got bored, so I turned around and made a silly face at my friend. Eventually he looked up and immediately slapped me, saying "I'm not in the mood." To say I was shocked would be an understatement. To say I was outraged would also be an understatement. I was just trying to joke around and have fun and unprovoked, he slapped me. And not the friendly playful slap between friends either, but an honest to god actual slap that were the bus not running, people would have heard and probably turned to look what happened. As it was, it was dark and the bus was running and loud, so no one noticed, not even the girl. I muttered at him, saying "You're lucky your my friend, else I would slam my backpack on you." I was still too shocked to really come up with a comeback or to have a reaction to him slapping me. But I knew one thing, and it was that I was pissed.

I had quite a few scenarios running through my head of how to get revenge on him, but I really needed to think levelly, so I put in my headphones, maxed the volume, and threw on some Three Days Grace to drown out my thoughts so that I could cool down. What I concluded though was that since this friend has been a good friend in the past, I'm giving him a second chance, but if he does something like this to me again, without me intentionally provoking him and him physically assaulting me, that's it. I'm not gonna be friends with him after that. I may press charges if he does it a second time, if I'm allowed to do that, because seriously, I won't stand for that shit. I can understand wanting to be left alone, and I would have, if he had just told me to, but you don't just fucking hit people when they've done absolutely nothing to you. You just don't. I do understand playfully hitting or smacking someone, someone you are friends with. This wasn't a playful slap though.

Anyways, I blasted my music and simmered until I cooled to a level at which I could think clearly. That didn't happen until around after 2nd. I tried to blast music again, but at that point I was getting a headache, so I had to just deal with it. That day went fairly well, with some ups and downs after 2nd. Still hate even seeing my ex. I really try to not look at her. And it's not like I hate her, or her personality, I just can't handle it, looking at her. I don't know why. But nevertheless, I'm gonna force myself to move on, even if that means just not being around her at all. I'll deal with ten minutes of sitting alone every day.

I want to move on. I woke up this morning wanting to move on and be happy. I want to date this girl that likes me, and I want to try at dating. I just want to be happy and in a relationship. The closeness, physically and emotionally, in a relationship is something I crave, and want. Not necessarily sex, just physical closeness, like holding hands and cuddling. I especially like cuddling :3

I really just played video games all day today and I vacuumed a bit, wanna clean my room up just in case I have guests over at some point, friends to hang out and such!

That's all really, if I come up with anything I wanna talk about, I will make another post. Night y'all, Alex out!

Nuclear Meltdown Imminent in 3... 2... 1...

Today was bad. Just straight up, it was bad. I woke up late, I was tired, my feelings are all over the place, and I was just overloaded from the moment I woke up. I just didn't know it yet.

So, yeah, I woke up late. two hours late. I had to have my dad take me to school, though I did get a sausage biscuit from McDonalds, so I guess it wasn't all bad. It took me a while to get my wits together though. I still need to finish something for 2nd *sigh* and do my math homework. But yeah, today.

I missed 1st period completely, but did get into 2nd just as it started, and I hadn't missed anything in there, so that was good. I walk in to the class not really doing anything, actually. Just screwing around. I walk to the back to eat my breakfast, and see two classmates whispering about something, and so I ask them what the hell they're doing. They said they were trying to guess who had stolen two iPhone 4's from the teacher a few days ago. I told them it was probably one of the kids who had been pulled aside last week because their bags smelled like drugs. We had had a K9 unit do random searches at the school that day. Anyways, they agreed, and proceeded to tell me how the phones were found. Wanna know how? No? Okay.

So, I got nothing done in 2nd. I find it very hard to concentrate in that class. Probably because of how crazy it is. Sometime during it I had to leave to use the restroom, and when I was walking out, I saw someone I knew, and they looked quite startled to see me at school. We exchanged greetings and continued on our separate ways. After class, I saw said person again walking by, and my thoughts started to get riled up, because, did I mention, this person was my ex, and I'm still dealing with shit in my own head concerning her. So, I got on the bus and tried to calm down, but my thoughts wouldn't shut down or at least settle, and so by the time we got back to the normal school, I had to stop and breathe in the cold air for a minute to try to ease the burning in my chest. It barely helped. So when I sat down to wait for the bell to go to third, I couldn't handle hearing my ex and friend anymore. It was causing too many feelings and a mosh pit of emotions in my chest. I did the only thing I could do in that situation. I plugged in my headphones and blasted music at max volume to blow out the world.

I'm not sure how to explain it, doing what I do should cause me more pain than help, because of sensory issues, but in a way it numbs things a bit. It helps me cope by something being so loud right in my ears that it stops me from thinking too deeply or too much. Even now thinking back on today is causing things to go badly again in my mind. But yeah, I just sat there, put my head down, closed my eyes, and focused on the music. Unfortunately, I could still feel, and what I felt were the vibrations from the table. They piqued my interest, making me want to turn and see who was making them and why. I knew the who already, but I still wanted to know the why. But I resisted, because I couldn't handle any more pain of looking at her.

Some of you are probably wondering something along the lines of "Then why don't you just get up and find another table, walk away, stop being around her so much." Because her and another dude, I shall refer to him as L, are the only two friends I can be around for the first half of the day, and while it's painful, it's more painful to be alone. I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't. I went through enough loneliness in elementary and middle. I don't want to go back, and no amount of pain now will make me go back to that pain. It's scary, thinking about being all alone again. I think that that scares me more than dying. L, if you are continuously reading my blog, please don't talk to E about any of this. This is private, even if it's on the web, it's still an anonymous thing, so I don't want this affecting real life.

So, when the bell finally rang, I practically ran out of there, barreling through most people to get away from them. I blasted my music as long as I could before I had to put it away. I had to get through the next two classes without music and without breaking. Not breaking down, but breaking. To put it abstractly, my ability to keep my anger under control, and not release it on people that don't realize how pissed I am, it's like a piece of metal. A metal pipe or beam, whichever you prefer. It bends, bends some more, and bends some more, but I have to keep adding counter pressure to keep it from snapping, and for all that pent up potential energy to turn into very destructive kinetic energy, I have to keep my cool until I can put on my headphones. I mostly managed to get through the two classes accident free, except for 3rd.

One of my classmates saw how angry I was looking and asked me what was wrong, and I responded in a short and clipped tone for him to leave me alone, that it would be better that way. Instead of just understanding and accepting this, he got upset with me. When I made a comment later in class, he responded in an angry voice "I thought you just want to be left alone, Alex?" It was then I realized I needed to apologize, even if I didn't do anything wrong except warn someone that to avoid me hurting them in any way, they should leave me alone. So I swallowed my pride, and apologized to him, and he seemed to calm down towards me some after that.

I got through 4th with no issue other than concentrating on my work, but I still got my work done, so it was all cool. When 4th ended, I pretty much bolted towards my bus. I was looking forward to sitting next to and talking with the girl who liked me. I run to the bus almost every day, actually, looking back on it. Even though I haven't really examined my feelings for awhile, (it's dangerous for me, cause I could quite honestly break down crying if I do so) maybe I'm fond of this girl, or even like her. I don't know. I'll try to examine my feelings a bit this weekend.

So, bus ride home involved more blaring music, because someone was already sitting next to the girl. I'm just gonna refer to her as the girl, k? k. I kinda wanted to ask the person to move, but I just decided to sit in my normal seat and try to connect to spotify so I could blast more music. When I finally connected, I proceeded to stare out the window blankly for my entire bus ride with headphones in and volume at max. After I got off, I walked inside, found the place trashed by the dogs, with shit everywhere, and then walked up to my room, put spotify on on my computer, turned my speakers up, maxed spotify volume, and played Binding of Isaac: Afterbirth for hours.

Video games and music are my coping mechanisms, but they don't really fix the issue, just mute it. Stimming does the same thing, but on a smaller scale, and it's a lot less potent. The only way I've been able to really cope is by sleeping out the feelings and such. I'm usually feeling better by then.

So, when my dad came home, he had me help him clean up the mess downstairs, and after that, I went back to the world of gaming for a few more hours.

Today's volatile mood was surprising for me. I actually don't have these too often. Sure, I do have to deal with my anxiety, feelings, and sensory issues on a daily basis, but usually I keep them under control enough that I don't have to resort to what I did today. Hopefully, today will be a one-time thing for a while.

That's all for now, night y'all, Alex out. *Jumps through Stargate*

Girls Are Confusing

So. I would talk about yesterday, but yesterday is kinda private. I know, I know, I've talked about some serious stuff on here, and stuff that would be considered really private by normal people. But for one, I'm not normal, and two, I'm seriously not normal. But that's besides the point, I talk about stuff relating to me, but not private family matters. Which is why I won't talk about yesterday. Suffice to say, yesterday was depressing.

But today. Man, I don't know about today. Today was surprising, shocking, and strange. I woke up to my cat doing the claw thing cats do when they're happy and comfortable, but he was doing it on my head. So I rolled around a lot to get him to stop, but he wouldn't. Eventually I just gave in to what he wanted, which was to get under my blankets and lay next to me. He's weird like that. But shortly after that I had to get up and get ready for the day, and so I did.

The strangeness doesn't end there, though. It's just getting started. I get on the bus and sit in my normal seat. It's chilly and wet, cause of rain, and the heat vent under my seat isn't on, which is strange cause it's usually on when it's cold. But I brush it off and just chill on the ride to school, when all of a sudden, something lands on my head. Now, the only person behind me that morning was a friend two seats back, so I turn and look at her and ask her why she threw something at me. She said she was trying to get my attention, then holds out a note on a scrap of paper. Wondering what the heck was going on, I take it and read it. It was a folded note, and on the front, it said "I'm still grounded." Thinking there had to be more, I flipped it open and, I gotta say, I was honestly astonished when it read on the inside "I like you." And it also had her name and number. This literally shocked me into a state where my face was frozen on an dumbfounded look mixed with a questioning one. I kept looking back at her and the note. When I finally got my wits back, I hopped back to her seat to talk with her.

Now, here's the thing, I've not really thought seriously about if I liked another girl after my ex broke up with me. I've had thoughts, but not serious, mind delving, soul searching thoughts about whether I like a girl or not, but thoughts nonetheless. (still don't understand how that's a word) But I hadn't thought about this girl that way, or thought to think of her that way. So, I went back to talk with her, and I told her I didn't know how I felt, so I would think on it for the day. She was alright with this, and I went back to my seat, but there wasn't an awkward air or anything, thankfully. Things still seemed normal.

So the day went on, I was shocked for about a quarter of it. I did eventually get over my shock, though I was still surprised, because, let's face it, us aspies are queer as hell, and I know that I myself am not that attractive, so I think I had resigned myself to never having a girl like me, always having to chase after a girl myself. I think that's why I was so astonished. Anyways, I talk with some of my friends, get conflicting advice, decide to ignore all of it and think about what to do myself. Went through the day. Dealt with crap. Nothing new, really. Unless you want me to go over my classes extensively, of course. I think the most exciting thing today was going to sleep in math class. No, I'm not a slacker, (anymore) being sick makes me really extra fatigued, so twice now I've fallen asleep in math. The other time was yesterday, actually.

So, near the end of the day, on my way to 4th, I stop by a friend to get my mostly daily hug from her, (she gives good hugs) but she was looking sad, and didn't hug me. So, I did what I do best. I threw off my facade for a moment, and acted like myself. I think I managed to make her smile a bit and comfort her, but I couldn't for too long because 1) I had to get to class and 2) She has incredibly soft hands, so soft that they set off my sensory issues with light touches, which I usually have a fairly high tolerance of. I hope I helped her, but I don't think it did much, if at all really. Tomorrow, I'm gonna give her one of my signature hugs, which, if you ask anyone who's gotten a real hug from me, they'll tell you to not let me hug them, as they hurt :p

Okay, end of the school day, I rush to the bus because I'm excited, and it's what I always do when I'm excited and nervous. I get on the bus, and I'm like one of the only high schoolers on it at the moment in time, I got there so fast. I wait for the girl who gave me the note to get on the bus, and when she does, I type out to her that I would like to go on a couple dates with her to see how I feel, and she said okay to that. I had to type it out cause there were people around and I didn't want to talk out loud for people to hear our conversation.

So, I get home, had to do some chores, which involved taking out the trash, doing the litter box for the cats, and picking up the dog shit in the house. Fun. Then I got the DLC for Binding of Isaac: Rebirth, which is called Binding of Isaac: Afterbirth, and spent most of my day playing that, after doing my homework of course!

You know, the thing I'm wondering is, how are people liking this blog? Do you readers feel like my point of view as a teen with Asperger's Syndrome is helping? Is it just fun to read about my strange days and strange past? Please, someone comment and tell me. Eight or so posts, and no comments is strange!

Well, that's it for now, peace y'all, Alex out.

Tired. So Tired.

Okay, long day, really late and really tired.

I am going to give a brief description of today, and will go in more in depth tomorrow, because tonight I need to sleep, and I'm really tired.

Basically, some feelings appeared and some stuff happened, so today has been really, really, really sad. I won't talk about some of it because it's private family stuff, but I'll talk about the stuff directly related to me in the next post. Sorry people who were looking forward to today's post.

Night y'all, Alex out.

I Hate Being Sick And Cute Cat Pictures

Hey guys and gals, sorry for the late night post, I should have posted earlier, but eh, I was being lazy :p (and I'm re-addicted to Bloons Tower Defense 5)

So, I have noticed that I start most of my sentences with "so". I don't know why, but that's just how I do.

Okay, today wasn't fun. At all. I woke up at 2:30 something A.M. to dogs barking, a baby screaming, and my music playing on my phone way too loud. Oh and I was choking on my own mucus. Yeah, best way to wake up, eh? Anyways, I have to lean over my bed almost immediately and force myself to cough the blockage out, and then I'm sitting there not wanting to go back to sleep because I didn't want to die from choking in my sleep, so I texted my friend and we talked for a bit before she told me to go to sleep cause I needed the rest. So I did, but I stayed home from school because I was just that sick.

I woke up a few hours later with a pounding headache, feeling lightheaded, throat hurting, having to cough up another blockage, and clogged nostrils, so I dealt with this for a few hours before I was told to take my temperature and take some migraine relief. My temp was 97.4 at the time and the migraine relief helped immensely, but I was told to lay back down, which I did... for about fifteen minutes before I got too bored and got on my computer and gamed.

I've gone through most of a roll of toilet paper today with having to blow my nose. In my opinion, using rolls of toilet paper is more cost efficient than tissues, but that's just me.

I've still coughed up a bunch of crap through out the day, but hopefully it won't be as bad tomorrow, otherwise I'll stay home again. That is if my throat is clogging up and all the stuff from today happens again.

So, story time. Last I left off, I talked about school life in my first elementary school, but I didn't finish off my home life of before I moved. I'm gonna try to keep it brief because I really don't like dwelling on certain parts of this.

I lived in a double couldesac neighborhood. By that, I mean you turned onto one street, then it branched off in a fork, each street leading to a couldesac circle thingy. There were only a few kids in my side of the neighborhood, one took advantage of my naivety and intense want for friends and often blamed things on me, or had me do really stupid stuff and then blamed it all on me. Another was sort of neutral towards me, sort of my friend until just before I moved, in which I had gotten into a fight with her.

At some point, probably half way through 3rd grade, a new kid had moved into the neighborhood, he was in 6th grade I think, so I idolized him, as little kids do the older ones. But again, my naivety and intense want and need for friends screwed me over, and blinded me to the fact that this kid was an asshole. The proof of this was when I went to a high school football game with him and his older brother and when I walked away for a few minutes to chat with some classmates (my classmates weren't nasty and mean to me all the time, just most of the time) I went back and they weren't where they had said they were gonna be, and after panicking for a few minutes, I did what I was told to do in such situations. I went and got a police officer to help me out. He took me home, though how I managed to remember my address at that age, I don't know, since I still manage to forget it even now.

I didn't learn until last year that they had left me there on purpose, though. One of my sisters had run into them and they had laughed and told her how they left me there on purpose. So yeah, grade A asshole right there. One shouldn't hold grudges or go out of their way for revenge, but if I ever run into that dude, I will immediately punch him in the mouth and promptly walk away.

I'm gonna finish off 3rd grade home life in tomorrows post, because there are a lot of details to talk about, and I don't want to drag this post on for too long.

Well, this is Alex, signing out, peace y'all (here's a special treat for those who stick around to read all my posts)

Boy Like A Shadow and Elementary: Heaven or Hell?

So, today was rather boring. It's a weekend, and I don't do much on weekends. I spent the day playing video games, well, a video game, really. League of Legends. Fun game, but I'm terrible at it.

Okay, so here's a thing about me. If I just sit quietly, don't do a thing, most people will ignore me, forget about me, not even notice me. I don't really know why. I don't know if it's just something in my physical appearance, or if I'm giving off a non verbal signal that people just pick up and it tells them to leave me alone. I don't know. So I could probably go an entire week without any of my friends seeing me, and they most likely wouldn't notice. You would think that having patches of silver hair would make me more noticeable too, ya know? And no, it isn't dyed, my hair is naturally going grey/silver. If I want to talk to anyone, I often have to initiate a conversation, no one ever initiates conversations with me in person. Through texting, a few people try to talk to me, but in real life, in the real world, it simply doesn't happen as far as I can remember. And after some of my past, you would think "Oh, this is just what you wanted." Or "Now people won't bother you." But really, I wanted the jerks to leave me alone, but not the people I actually wanted to converse with. I guess I'll elaborate more on my past.

I think in this post, I'll elaborate on school life, though in the next one I'll talk about home life some more.

In 3rd grade, I moved to an entirely different neighborhood, far away from the one from 1st and 2nd grade. Same school though. Now, school for me was just plain torture. Hell. Not, in any way, healthy for me. Due to my undiagnosed Asperger's Syndrome (at the time) I was pretty much what the school would consider a trouble maker. I had, as I mentioned in the last post, one 'friend' and nothing else. Kindergarten wasn't really any issue, most of us were too young to like or dislike each other. But in 1st grade, that's where my exile started. Due to all the stuff AS causes, I couldn't socialize very well. I was quickly turned into the black sheep in the herd of white sheep. The odd one out. The scapegoat for all the problems, the outlet for all the bullys to practice their insults and hazing on, then act like angels when I lost my cool. And believe me, I did lose my cool a lot. I was an easy target, and even easier to blame things on, so I spent a lot of time in the principals office during recess, or standing on a hill, as during 3rd grade, that was the punishment.

One incident I remember fairly vividly is that I was playing tag with the other kids (they weren't so cruel as to leave me out of the playground games (at first at least)) and I went down this big blue swirly slide after another kid and when I got to the bottom he was still there and my foot connected with his head. Now of course I was extremely sorry, but that didn't matter to the other kids, all that mattered to them was that I hurt their friend, and they were saying I did it on purpose. At which point I lost it and tackled the biggest one and took his ass down. I of course got in trouble while the other kids didn't, but that doesn't matter. I think it was at this point that I started to get excluded from the playground games by the other kids.

There was this one other time I was playing around on the playground and I tried to slide down this pole, but I completely missed it and fell down, and it went by so fast I didn't even have time to react, I was knocked out cold for a few minutes (I think) when a random girl I had never seen before checked to see if I was alright. She woke me up, then walked off.

I despised going to school so much that I often faked a cough or tried to puke so that I wouldn't have to go. Elementary was not a happy time for me.

At some point, I was completely ignored and excluded from playground games, and I always just sort of wandered around aimlessly while waiting for the day to end. I really don't remember much of elementary. The way I see it, I wasn't truly aware of my actions and really rational thought until around 6th grade, and before then I was sort of on an auto pilot, slowly getting more aware up until previously stated 6th grade. Side philosophical topic aside, shortly before I moved away, and just before the school year ended, a new kid arrived.

Imagine my excitement when I see this new kid, who has no preconceived opinions of me, be friendly to me. This kid, whose name I think was Tanner or something like that. It had a T in it. Anyways, this kid was my first true friend. I was only friends with him for a week or two, and maybe he forgot about me really easily, but this kid was one of the reasons that I found hope that I could make friends.

Just as 3rd grade ends, I move to a new state, Florida. I'll continue talking about Elementary in tomorrow's post, unless something happens in which I need to talk about. I'll get around to home life more, don't worry ;)

Alright, that's all for now y'all, Alex out.

Halloween, The Day To Hand Out Candy (And Eat Said Candy) And Some Fucked Up Past

So, I said in my last post that I would talk about why I have to put up a facade (don't have access to the accented c) in front of others, and I will. After I talk about other stuff.

Yesterday, I got home to find out that I wasn't connected to the Internet, even though it SAID I was connected, nothing was actually connecting. So, I half-destroyed some stuff, slammed other stuff, then took a shower to cool off, hence the shower sulking for like 2 hours. Anyways, I digress. I obviously have the Internet fixed now, so yay. The issue was that I was on our old providers Internet, not the new one, but now I'm on the new one, say yeah, problem solved :)

So, with still a sore throat and some nasal issues, I'm kinda tired. Today was fairly active for me. Who knew sitting in a car, restaurant, car again, then a chair for hours could be so tiring, eh? I actually spent half the day- okay, a quarter of the day lazing around with no Internet, watching Tomorrowland and reading a book on Wattpad at the same time. Then I went to lunch with my dad and his friend Nick, and we discussed game nerd stuff, like Fallout 4, the Xbox One Elite, the Xbox One Elite Controller, and then they talked about Forza (bleh). Then Nick came over and fixed my Internet issues (yay!). In a few hours I'm gonna step outside to freeze my ass off handing out candy, whilst eating the candy I'm supposed to be handing out (what, I'm not allowed some?!). I like to do parentheses after a sentence (got a problem with that?). :p

Okay, story time. I shall now tell you of my past. Snippets of course, spread through out various blog posts, but in as chronological an order as I can muster.

So, when I was in like 1st grade, I really didn't have any friends. At all. Looking back on it now, the person who I called my only friend at the time really wasn't even my friend, he was just a boy who took pity on my and my lack of ability to socialize normally. But outside of school, I still didn't have any friends, so I was bored a lot, and hell, I got along better with older people anyways, which leads up to some fucked up shit. But I digress. Anyways, I lived in relatively the same area for 1st and 2nd grade, one street over was this teenager, I don't remember if he was in middle or high school, but he was at least 5 to 10 years older than me. I liked to hang around him a lot, I pretty much worshiped him, I found him so cool as a kid. He cut down trees in his backyard with a machete, smoked, walked around barefoot all the time, played video games, pretty much the ultimate bad ass in my eyes. And then things get weird.

I was young, I had no idea what he was having me doing was wrong or illegal. But what he had me do was... suck his dick. Yes. He had a 1st/2nd grader suck his dick and play with it. I don't remember if I was curious about it, or if he had me do it. But either way, he allowed it, it was illegal (I'm pretty sure) and if not illegal, extremely morally wrong. I don't remember if there were other things, but what I do remember is one severely vivid memory of one of those times where he was having me play with it. My mom still talks to this dudes' great grandmother, who he lived with at the time. I could tell her about what happened in that house. I probably should. But there's this little part of my brain that wonders if I imagined the whole thing. I don't know, I don't think I did, but who knows, really. So yeah, that's some of my past, and that's all for this post.

I'll catch y'all later, and thank you Ricky Pine for being my first follower :) Alex signing out.

Broken Inside

So, yesterday was depressing.

I woke up and I was fairly upbeat, lazed around until I had about half an hour to get ready, and then so I did. School was eh, I was sorta anxious and hyper, which are both the same thing for me, really. Still getting these god damned stupid moments of something when I see my ex. They're really annoying, because I just want to move on and get over her. Sometime before 1st and after 2nd, I was thinking to myself "I wish I was more obviously broken." Skipping forward, 3rd period was... interesting, to say the least. We have lots of weird conversations in our group. I think at least half of it was about sex, and what constitutes as sex, and then two of them debated on whether you can lose your virginity in lesbian sex. Lots of weirdness. Anyways, 4th was uneventful, had a quiz, was easy. Then came Writers Block.

So, Writers Block. This is a writing club I got to every Friday, where we write about various things, and they are sometimes stories, other times poems. This time, it was a poem. We looked at some poems and then wrote our own. I wrote one. I didn't share it at the end, like I usually do. For two reason, 1) I don't have a way with words like some of the others do, so it wasn't that good and 2) It's extremely personal and related to my daily life. Which is why I'm gonna post it on here. Maybe some of you random internet peoples will understand. Oh, I shared it with two people there.

Here it is:

What I Want by Alex

I want others to see.
To look past my persona.
To notice how broken I am.

I want to be real.
To cry when I feel like it.
To break down when I need to.

I don't want to be fake.
To act around my friends.
To ignore my feelings.

I want to be happy.
To have a life.
To be more than I am.

I don't want to be ignored...
To be forgotten...
To be left behind...

I want someone to look,
And see me.
Understand me.
Like me.
Not a persona...
Not an act...
Me.

And then I went home and sulked. I think I sat in the shower for like, 2 hours. Yeah, yesterday, I was very depressed. One of my friends thought I was gonna commit suicide, which I wasn't, and I'm not going to. But I just want to meet someone who can look past my facade, and see the real me, not the act I put up in front of others. And in the next post, I'll talk about why I have to put up a facade.

That's all for now, sorry for the day late post, bye y'all.

Various Topics Today, Maybe More Tomorrow?

Holy crap, so it says I have 31 page views. Not that I really understand what that means, but I assume it's that 31 people have looked at my blog, which would be freaking awesome! Now, onto the actual blog post.

I woke up today ten minutes past my alarm to head to my bus stop, and I just know that the bus has already come and gone, so that's just great. To top it off, my throat felts like someone was shoving a red-hot iron bar down my throat. It still feels like it's burning, even now. So I got up, drank some water, and had my dad drive me to school just in time to catch the bus to another school. (I go to a normal high school, but we have this separate place that brings in students from two high schools in its area, and this place is like a career cluster oriented place for us, it has culinary arts, robotics, engineering, programming, and more. It's quite a cool place, and I go there for half the school day.)

Riding there is sort of boring, but I amused myself by reading a book on my phone. I like to read on Wattpad a lot, and there is this story on there called The Elemntals by silversnowleopard, anyone reading this blog needs to go over to Wattpad and read her stories, they're awesome! Anyways, nothing really eventful happens until I sit down to eat breakfast, at which point I drink some milk and orange juice to go with the sausage biscuit I'm eating (Hint: I LOVE sausage biscuits.) and low and behold, instead of helping with my throat, they make all the taste in my mouth go sour and my throat hurt even more, and it is not until 3rd period that I realize that I've gotten a sore throat again and that drinking the milk and OJ made it a whole lot worse.

1st and 2nd go by relatively fast, with inappropriate jokes being made here and there by my friends. I'm still noticing my ex immediately, and even though I say I'm over her, being around her almost every day doesn't help. But there's also the fact that I always have fun when I'm around her, and there are also times when I'm in such a rotten mood that it's only through her antics that I can get out of it. I hope she never finds this blog, because I would be completely mortified if she saw this. But anyways, I'm trying, nevertheless, to- wait a minute, why is nevertheless considered a word. What the actual fuck. Anyways I am trying to move on, but I'm just a complete social mess when it comes with talking to girls. I can't flirt. I can try to make a conversation with a girl, but I tried I think twice in the past two days and it just doesn't work for me. I'll keep trying, though honestly, with this sore throat, it's probably better if I just wait until I'm not sick anymore.

Another thing is that I've been reading a lot of blogs and posts about people with AS and their marriages with NT (Neuro-Typical) partners, and it scares me. Because many NTs said that when their AS partner married them, in most cases from what I could tell, the AS partner completely changed into a different person for them, sort of like dropping a persona. And they also became asexual, not caring about sex at all. And it also said somewhere that we often excel at the infatuation stage from copying stories, people from shows and movies, and that sort of thing, and while that is true, it's still creepy and scary for me, cause I don't want to end up like that. I don't want to find someone I can love and be loved by in return, marry them, and completely change how I act around them. The fact is, it scares me.

And I know that not all aspies are the same, and that we all have varying levels of our AS qualities and stuff, for example I don't have sensory issues until I become annoyed, and then every little bang or loud noise is like another bucket of water into the tank of irritation, slowly or quickly rising. And anxiety levels increase rapidly for me, to the point where I'm constantly paranoid if I can't keep it under control, and I'm also more on the possessive side, but like I said, the qualities seem to vary in how intense they are. Getting back on track, what I'm saying is that the persona dropping thing seems to be prevalent in many aspies, but for all I know it's just a misunderstanding.

But, oh well, I guess I will find out when I'm older, eh?

So, in 3rd period today, we did a class discussion on the novella Ethan Frome. Terribly dry and boring book, by the way, but if you like Naturalism novels, it's the book for you! Anyways, the class discussion was quite heated and many time the teacher had to strike her gavel and call "Order in the court!" Yes, my teacher actually did that. Anyways, she also gave us a final project for this book, and I must say, I do not look forward to it that much. But I did get some enjoyment out of debating with my two group members on whether or not oral sex is considered sex. I consider it sex, while not the whole intercourse kind of sex, it's still sex in my eyes. In one of their eyes, I'll just refer to her as M, M sees it as not sex at all, and another, I'll refer to this one as C, C understands that it sort of depends on ones' perspective on it. I still stand by my view as oral being considered sex, whether or not intercourse happens.

Onto 4th, nothing interesting really happens here, I mean, it's math class. MATH. Basically, math is boring. The most exciting thing that happened was that after I had walked out of class to use the restroom, and gotten back, I was offered a piece of gum by some people I hold a rather decent amount of dislike to, but I accepted nevertheless, (again, why is that a word?) out of politeness, but when I grabbed it, saw and felt that it was empty, and all their friends busted out laughing at me. I immediately folded it up, tore it in half, tossed the wrapper at the girl who had offered it to me without looking, and muttered "Children" under my breath. A few minutes later I hear something land on my desk and look down to see another gum wrapper, but this time with gum actually in it. One of the people who I dislike had given it to me as a sort of apology for the childish prank from before, so I accepted it and thanked her (different girl) and yeah, that was 4th.

Now, bus rides home, these tend to be... interesting. There's this bitch on my bus, and while I would like to say her name, I'm trying to keep other peoples' names out of here, no matter how much I despise them. And oh do I despise this girl. She's the 'act like your friend then stab you in the back and spill all your secrets' kind of girl. There's another girl on my bus (audience gasps in surprise that there would be two girls on my bus) that is sort of friends, sort of enemies with the bitch, but really dislikes sitting next to the bitch, so I sit next to her so that she doesn't have to deal with the bitch. I'm gonna start capitalizing that now. The Bitch. Anyways, so I personally think the girl is too nice to tell The Bitch that she simply doesn't want to sit next to her. And whenever I get told or asked to move by The Bitch, or anyone else for that matter, I just say "It's up to her as to whether I move or not." and point to The Girl. I've decided capitalizing The Girl will clear things up a tiny bit. Or if it doesn't, it just looks cool to me. And again, anyways, today, there were a few more people than normal, so I got asked to move and said and did what I do in these situations and The Girl said in a resigned tone that it was fine, so I moved over to another seat. I'll talk more about bus rides home in another post at some point.

OH, I just remembered, my ex and a mutual friend of ours were going to the library to play Undertale on the computers, so I tagged along, and finally got to see some gameplay of Undertale. Interesting game, quaint, and it actually looks sort of fun! And while there, I was in a sort of close proximity with my ex, and she brushed past me a few times and I had to cringe to avoid touching her. Now why might I do this, you might wonder? Well, unlike aspies with higher sensory issues, I don't have a particularly high issue with it, though I still don't like people randomly touching me. Anyways, I was trying to avoid touching her to avoid the inevitable flow of feelings that would come with that touch. We were only together like two weeks, but that was all the time I needed to fall for her hard and fast. Which might be why it hurt so much when I hit the ground.

Hmm, what to title this one? Too many different topics discussed today...

Well, that's all I have for today. have a good time y'all, Alex out.

Another Day, Another Piece of Pie Saddened...

So, today I woke up a bit on the wrong side of the bed, and so I pretty much woke up already irritated. But I did all my normal things, got up, dressed, showered, walked to my bus stop, combed my hair, not all in that order. And so, on my way to school on said bus, I decided to look something up. I looked up "aspie fight or flight", and came across this amazing blog post talking about a bunch of the behaviors in people with AS and ASD (Asperger's Syndrome and I am pretty sure ASD stands for Autism Spectrum Disorder) and how AS people are in fight or flight mode most of the time, how anxiety and Sensory Integration Dysfunction (SID) feed off of each other, since our sensory systems are usually hyper aware, when our anxiety increases, so does the sensory, and it just continues until we are on the edge, and whether we regain our balance or we fall could be one way or the other. The blog says that "other issues such as OCD, paranoia, anger and rage rise commensurately, even though there may be no external reason for such." Which is true, for me at least.

When I'm anxious, I tend to try to work off my energy by moving around and being hyper, but it doesn't always work. I also tend to get irritated very easily when I'm anxious, and so stuff that might normally not affect me or that I should be able to just ignore sets my teeth on edge and my fists clenching. All day today I've been hovering on that very fine edge of the cliff, keeping it together, barely. What doesn't help is that my ex, whom I'm still friends with, is someone I'm always acutely aware of. If she's in the room, I'll immediately spot her, no trouble at all, and while I've mostly dealt with my lingering feelings for her, I still can't stop myself from wondering what she's doing, or where she's going, or who she is gonna date next and this just compounds my anxiousness.

I can keep my irritation and anxiety at bay usually by distracting myself with a good book and some music, but once I have to stop to go to the next class or do something, it all comes back, and then proceeds on its path towards the edge, inching closer and closer, like snail, I think. It hasn't gone over the edge yet, but it's getting there.

On another note, while feeling irritated, anxious, and tired for most of the day, (keeping up a mask of calm and collectedness is tiring work, man!) I did try to talk to this attractive girl that's in my 3rd, but while I am better at socializing now than, let's say, a year ago, I'm still woefully ineffective and adding onto my nasal congestion, my voice sounded weird and it probably wasn't very attractive to her for me to be wiping at my nose every few seconds. (Cause it was runny too, it goes between runny and snotty to dry and swollen, I think would be the appropriate terminology? in this weather, which right  now is cold rainy, though the sun has come out a bit.)

Anyways, I failed miserably at talking with her, and so just kind of drifted off after my failed attempt and didn't try again. I'm honestly finding it hard to find anyone other than my ex as attractive, but I'm trying, and if worse comes to worse, I won't find another girlfriend at this school, but maybe in college, especially because my ex won't constantly be around me then!

And another thing, it really isn't easy always trying to appear calm or happy around everyone. In fact, I want someone to notice that maybe not everything is alright as it seems sometimes. There are times in which I'm in an absolutely miserable mood, but I continue to act as I normally do, because I either want someone to notice instead of just having to tell someone, or I don't want to tell anyone anything. It has taken me years to perfect my mask, so maybe it's too perfect. 

In middle school, I was often provoked into emotional outbursts by the other kids, they often found it funny to wind me up and watch me explode. Maybe it was partially my fault, for letting them get to me, maybe I could have acted differently, but all I know is that in 7th grade, they pushed me too far, and so I learned to shut down my emotions while at school, and more often than not, at home too, so as to not alarm anyone or let anyone know I was vulnerable. That's how my mask was created and it has done its job well.

But I'd rather not end this on a sad note, so I'll tell y'all something super duper extremely secret! I don't like pie!

That's all for now, Alex signing out, peace y'all!