Hey Princess

So, there's something to be said about people that have never fallen in love. It's that they truly don't know nor can they understand how it feels to fall in love with someone, have them reject you, try to get yourself over them, and then try to be friends with them months later (years for some people). It's something I accepted early on, that I wouldn't be able to completely annihilate my feelings for my ex, due to the fact I fell for her that deeply. And let's put aside the skepticism that teenagers can or can not fall in love for now. Well, I'm friends with her, and having actual conversations, and she invited me to her birthday party, I even asked her if I was invited, cause she hadn't formally told me so. Her reaction was a little explosive, exclaiming at me why wouldn't she invite me? I didn't want to tell her that I figured I wasn't cause she hadn't said anything, because it's hard revealing my insecurities to anyone. Especially her.

I'm a little off-track with that first paragraph though. The point of this is that since I started talking with my ex again, I've felt heartsick. You might think that emotions can't effect your physical well-being that much, but oh how you would be wrong. I have been longing to hold her, to touch her, to kiss her, stuff that I can't do, because I'm just a friend. I want to be more confident, to be able to walk tall and proud. Today, she was leaning against the doorway of her 4th and I didn't realize until later that would have been a perfect moment for me to step up to her, lean over her with both my arms beside her head, then abruptly move away and walk to my class like nothing had happened. Of course, that also would have taken courage that I don't possess to do.

My emotional state affects my physical one. If I'm not confident, I'll have a hunched over, timid walk. If I am heartsick and depressed, then I'll be wearing my black jacket, look a bit on the unemotional side, and generally avoid talking with people. If I'm happy, I'll walk upright and slightly confident, maybe skip down the halls a bit if I'm happy enough. But that's the gist of it. So what kind of emotional state would it take for me to pull off the confident bad boy routine? Probably some sort of anger or frustration, mixed in with just raw confidence, which is something I don't get often, but that I have had before.

I actually just had a brilliant idea. From now on, whenever I'm talking to my ex, I'm going to refer to her as princess in an annoying way, just to get under her skin. Usually I just take her beanie and walk off a bit, but I think that something new is required!

So, why haven't I updated in awhile? Things have been kind of boring, nothing too new in my life has happened much, other than that I'm nearing finals for this semester and my dealing with my ex.

Another thing, if anyone ever wonders if Aspies can flirt, we can. I can flirt, though I do it in a rather particular, and probably confusing, way.

I'm gonna post a little more frequently, but for now, I don't have much else to talk about.