What it's Like Being Stuck Inside the Head of an AS Teen That is Near Breaking Point

Honestly, right now I'm almost at my most unstable since middle school. I'm having violent thoughts, I'm moody, lonely, and feel like crying, but I can't, because if I cry that means I'll be exposing myself to possible taunting and bullying and I can't do that, I can't show weakness, not even when I'm alone. I had three different scenarios in my head today about attacking this stupid freshman on my bus, another about four ROTC kids trying to gang up on me, another concering some ROTC dudes, and I'm just sick of it. I hate being in my head. I want out. I don't know how to get out though. I refuse to ever commit suicide, as that's a permanent escape, but the end of my life, and I have too much to live for. I'm hurting right now, for various reasons. Because of my violent thoughts, because of me having to hurt someone else emotionally through rejection, because I'm lonely and want what I see some of the couples at my school have, which is a deep caring for each other, love. My sensory issues in my 4th certainly don't help, having my head ringing every day, but not wanting to put headphones in because if I do it enough, it'll attract the wrong sort of attention from the wrong sort of people, at least so I fear. One of my best friends says I need to reset, to hang out with someone, get out of the house and get out of my head. It's not so simple though, it would be hard for a normal person, I think, but for someone with AS, it's even harder I feel. I don't know some people have coped, but I had to learn to be constantly aware of my surroundings and analyze people to learn to socialize and survive. So just shutting something I've done for years down isn't so easy, and won't allow me escape that easily. I miss the days where I could maybe just blindly play video games, not caring about whether I was good or not, just play and have fun. The only thing that I can do that stops me from thinking is when I get extremely lust filled, but I don't want to use sex as an escape, because that's just a band-aid, temporary, not going to fix anything in the long run. I learned to make myself this way, to lock my emotions into a safe, throw them in a void, not cry, analyze and learn, undoing all of this is hard, I don't even know if it's possible, honestly. The only time I feel better is a day or so after I've had a real good crying, the ugly kind of crying I mean, but as I said before, I've forced myself to not cry, so I can't cry easily. I believe I mentioned this in the last post somewhat, but the last time I had a good cry like that was when I last thought about suicide, which was months ago. The time before that was when I was still with my now ex, after the first football scrimmage game, during which our schools' band had done their stuff and such, and she being in band, I went there to support her and stuff, but for most of it I felt really lonely and the times I got to see her, she didn't want to be close to me at all, which had hurt, using the excuse that it was really hot, but then I see her sitting really close, like, REALLY CLOSE to this other dude in the bleachers in the band area and I didn't think about it consciously at the time, but I think I recognized sub-consciously that she really didn't like me and that our relationship was basically over and that this dude she was sitting with, she liked. On the way home, my brother having picked me up, I just broke down crying, cause I had hit a breaking point with all my stress, worries, fears, and insecurities pushing me towards that point. And the next person she dated was indeed that guy from the bleachers, so that was a thing. Anyways, this week has just been a whole crap shoot of stuff building up to this point, this point where I either break or break. There's no make it in this scenario. Not for me at least. With normal people, it would seem like maybe this is coming out of nowhere, but for people who either know about AS or know people with AS, or people who have AS, they'll understand that tiny things can build up and up for us, until we hit that meltdown point.