I'm gonna forgo the daily description of what happened today since nothing particularly important happened. Instead, I'm gonna talk about my feelings. No, don't leave! I promise it won't be super teenage angsty!
But seriously, feelings are tough for me. I have a hard time describing deeper feelings past the basics. Angry, sad, happy, neutral, that's about as complicated as I can describe things, usually. I occasionally deal with jealousy, but not often enough that it's easily identifiable for me. I have no clue if this is just a me thing, or if many aspies have this issue, but that's how it is for me.
So, with indescribable feelings on the rise for the girl, I am at a bit of a loss. One of my friends thinks I'm starting to like her more, and I agree with her, I am, but what these feelings exactly are is the real mystery for me. How much I like her, in what way exactly do I like her, how do I name these feelings? I have lots of questions about this, and unfortunately, no way for something to help me, which means I'll have to blunder through them until I can discover the names of these feelings on my own.
People may be able to offer advice, but I may not be able to understand or apply it since I'm quite different from most people, and on top of it, a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic (that is really angry at a certain author right now for killing off my favorite character in a certain book, you know who you are *glares*) and having read some peoples definitions for what a hopeless romantic is, I can actually agree that I am one and that that complicates things for me somewhat with these multicolored ball pits of feelings that I've been tossed into with no foreseeable bottom to land on.
I find that I miss the girl when she's not around and I actually really wanted her to come over to my house and hang out with me today, but she never showed up, although I anxiously hoped and waited. It's not a super intense feeling, but it's strong enough that it's noticeable to me. It's sort of scary, to be perfectly honest, the way I am falling for her. With my ex, or anyone previously, actually, it was strong and fast, it burned brighter and hotter than a supergiant class star. (pulled that off of the internet, so sorry if it's not factually accurate!) With this girl, the girl, it's a slow burn, there's a build up, but I have no experience in this, and I'm honestly not sure how to interpret some things that I am feeling and what to do.
I don't know when we should go out on a date, if I'll like her that much by then. She's never gone on a date before, and I've only gone on one, so there's a definite lack of experience for us, which can both be good and bad. Good that we get to experience some things for the first time with each other, possibly. Bad because we might fuck up royally, and since neither of us have experience, we might not be able to repair whatever we do fuck up. I would certainly try my damnedest to fix things when it happens, but stuff like that still worries me.
I know that Time will certainly be my faithful companion for this adventure, but that doesn't mean I can't be impatient or anxious about it. Does Time stay with us when we die though? Tough question, right? We don't know what happens when we die, do we just go into a void, do we go to heaven or hell, or do we wander the Earth for the rest of eternity, and that can sound both good and bad, too. I would personally like to wander the Earth forever, but only if I was at peace with myself and all my past actions.
This is another indescribable feeling, not exactly on the rise, but it's a constant. The feeling of Death. Death is not the same as time, Death isn't a constant companion, but the risk of meeting with Death is. The world isn't a safe place. There isn't a single moment in a persons' life when they are completely and utterly safe. And if you want to look at it more abstractly, there are more types of Death than the physical, there's the emotional and the mental too. And the reason I type Death and Time with capital letters at the beginning, as if they were proper nouns, is because they are so to me. One is my rock in my life, the one there for me through the rough rapids and the smooth shallows. The other is the one I fear the most, that I don't wish to meet until I've lived a long and happy life, until I've done all I can for this world. Maybe it won't be much, maybe it'll be a lot, we don't know yet.
Goodnight all, Alex signing off for now.
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