So, today I woke up a bit on the wrong side of the bed, and so I pretty much woke up already irritated. But I did all my normal things, got up, dressed, showered, walked to my bus stop, combed my hair, not all in that order. And so, on my way to school on said bus, I decided to look something up. I looked up "aspie fight or flight", and came across this amazing blog post talking about a bunch of the behaviors in people with AS and ASD (Asperger's Syndrome and I am pretty sure ASD stands for Autism Spectrum Disorder) and how AS people are in fight or flight mode most of the time, how anxiety and Sensory Integration Dysfunction (SID) feed off of each other, since our sensory systems are usually hyper aware, when our anxiety increases, so does the sensory, and it just continues until we are on the edge, and whether we regain our balance or we fall could be one way or the other. The blog says that "other issues such as OCD, paranoia, anger and rage rise commensurately, even though there may be no external reason for such." Which is true, for me at least.
When I'm anxious, I tend to try to work off my energy by moving around and being hyper, but it doesn't always work. I also tend to get irritated very easily when I'm anxious, and so stuff that might normally not affect me or that I should be able to just ignore sets my teeth on edge and my fists clenching. All day today I've been hovering on that very fine edge of the cliff, keeping it together, barely. What doesn't help is that my ex, whom I'm still friends with, is someone I'm always acutely aware of. If she's in the room, I'll immediately spot her, no trouble at all, and while I've mostly dealt with my lingering feelings for her, I still can't stop myself from wondering what she's doing, or where she's going, or who she is gonna date next and this just compounds my anxiousness.
I can keep my irritation and anxiety at bay usually by distracting myself with a good book and some music, but once I have to stop to go to the next class or do something, it all comes back, and then proceeds on its path towards the edge, inching closer and closer, like snail, I think. It hasn't gone over the edge yet, but it's getting there.
On another note, while feeling irritated, anxious, and tired for most of the day, (keeping up a mask of calm and collectedness is tiring work, man!) I did try to talk to this attractive girl that's in my 3rd, but while I am better at socializing now than, let's say, a year ago, I'm still woefully ineffective and adding onto my nasal congestion, my voice sounded weird and it probably wasn't very attractive to her for me to be wiping at my nose every few seconds. (Cause it was runny too, it goes between runny and snotty to dry and swollen, I think would be the appropriate terminology? in this weather, which right now is cold rainy, though the sun has come out a bit.)
Anyways, I failed miserably at talking with her, and so just kind of drifted off after my failed attempt and didn't try again. I'm honestly finding it hard to find anyone other than my ex as attractive, but I'm trying, and if worse comes to worse, I won't find another girlfriend at this school, but maybe in college, especially because my ex won't constantly be around me then!
And another thing, it really isn't easy always trying to appear calm or happy around everyone. In fact, I want someone to notice that maybe not everything is alright as it seems sometimes. There are times in which I'm in an absolutely miserable mood, but I continue to act as I normally do, because I either want someone to notice instead of just having to tell someone, or I don't want to tell anyone anything. It has taken me years to perfect my mask, so maybe it's too perfect.
In middle school, I was often provoked into emotional outbursts by the other kids, they often found it funny to wind me up and watch me explode. Maybe it was partially my fault, for letting them get to me, maybe I could have acted differently, but all I know is that in 7th grade, they pushed me too far, and so I learned to shut down my emotions while at school, and more often than not, at home too, so as to not alarm anyone or let anyone know I was vulnerable. That's how my mask was created and it has done its job well.
But I'd rather not end this on a sad note, so I'll tell y'all something super duper extremely secret! I don't like pie!
That's all for now, Alex signing out, peace y'all!
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