Today was bad. Just straight up, it was bad. I woke up late, I was tired, my feelings are all over the place, and I was just overloaded from the moment I woke up. I just didn't know it yet.
So, yeah, I woke up late. two hours late. I had to have my dad take me to school, though I did get a sausage biscuit from McDonalds, so I guess it wasn't all bad. It took me a while to get my wits together though. I still need to finish something for 2nd *sigh* and do my math homework. But yeah, today.
I missed 1st period completely, but did get into 2nd just as it started, and I hadn't missed anything in there, so that was good. I walk in to the class not really doing anything, actually. Just screwing around. I walk to the back to eat my breakfast, and see two classmates whispering about something, and so I ask them what the hell they're doing. They said they were trying to guess who had stolen two iPhone 4's from the teacher a few days ago. I told them it was probably one of the kids who had been pulled aside last week because their bags smelled like drugs. We had had a K9 unit do random searches at the school that day. Anyways, they agreed, and proceeded to tell me how the phones were found. Wanna know how? No? Okay.
So, I got nothing done in 2nd. I find it very hard to concentrate in that class. Probably because of how crazy it is. Sometime during it I had to leave to use the restroom, and when I was walking out, I saw someone I knew, and they looked quite startled to see me at school. We exchanged greetings and continued on our separate ways. After class, I saw said person again walking by, and my thoughts started to get riled up, because, did I mention, this person was my ex, and I'm still dealing with shit in my own head concerning her. So, I got on the bus and tried to calm down, but my thoughts wouldn't shut down or at least settle, and so by the time we got back to the normal school, I had to stop and breathe in the cold air for a minute to try to ease the burning in my chest. It barely helped. So when I sat down to wait for the bell to go to third, I couldn't handle hearing my ex and friend anymore. It was causing too many feelings and a mosh pit of emotions in my chest. I did the only thing I could do in that situation. I plugged in my headphones and blasted music at max volume to blow out the world.
I'm not sure how to explain it, doing what I do should cause me more pain than help, because of sensory issues, but in a way it numbs things a bit. It helps me cope by something being so loud right in my ears that it stops me from thinking too deeply or too much. Even now thinking back on today is causing things to go badly again in my mind. But yeah, I just sat there, put my head down, closed my eyes, and focused on the music. Unfortunately, I could still feel, and what I felt were the vibrations from the table. They piqued my interest, making me want to turn and see who was making them and why. I knew the who already, but I still wanted to know the why. But I resisted, because I couldn't handle any more pain of looking at her.
Some of you are probably wondering something along the lines of "Then why don't you just get up and find another table, walk away, stop being around her so much." Because her and another dude, I shall refer to him as L, are the only two friends I can be around for the first half of the day, and while it's painful, it's more painful to be alone. I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't. I went through enough loneliness in elementary and middle. I don't want to go back, and no amount of pain now will make me go back to that pain. It's scary, thinking about being all alone again. I think that that scares me more than dying. L, if you are continuously reading my blog, please don't talk to E about any of this. This is private, even if it's on the web, it's still an anonymous thing, so I don't want this affecting real life.
So, when the bell finally rang, I practically ran out of there, barreling through most people to get away from them. I blasted my music as long as I could before I had to put it away. I had to get through the next two classes without music and without breaking. Not breaking down, but breaking. To put it abstractly, my ability to keep my anger under control, and not release it on people that don't realize how pissed I am, it's like a piece of metal. A metal pipe or beam, whichever you prefer. It bends, bends some more, and bends some more, but I have to keep adding counter pressure to keep it from snapping, and for all that pent up potential energy to turn into very destructive kinetic energy, I have to keep my cool until I can put on my headphones. I mostly managed to get through the two classes accident free, except for 3rd.
One of my classmates saw how angry I was looking and asked me what was wrong, and I responded in a short and clipped tone for him to leave me alone, that it would be better that way. Instead of just understanding and accepting this, he got upset with me. When I made a comment later in class, he responded in an angry voice "I thought you just want to be left alone, Alex?" It was then I realized I needed to apologize, even if I didn't do anything wrong except warn someone that to avoid me hurting them in any way, they should leave me alone. So I swallowed my pride, and apologized to him, and he seemed to calm down towards me some after that.
I got through 4th with no issue other than concentrating on my work, but I still got my work done, so it was all cool. When 4th ended, I pretty much bolted towards my bus. I was looking forward to sitting next to and talking with the girl who liked me. I run to the bus almost every day, actually, looking back on it. Even though I haven't really examined my feelings for awhile, (it's dangerous for me, cause I could quite honestly break down crying if I do so) maybe I'm fond of this girl, or even like her. I don't know. I'll try to examine my feelings a bit this weekend.
So, bus ride home involved more blaring music, because someone was already sitting next to the girl. I'm just gonna refer to her as the girl, k? k. I kinda wanted to ask the person to move, but I just decided to sit in my normal seat and try to connect to spotify so I could blast more music. When I finally connected, I proceeded to stare out the window blankly for my entire bus ride with headphones in and volume at max. After I got off, I walked inside, found the place trashed by the dogs, with shit everywhere, and then walked up to my room, put spotify on on my computer, turned my speakers up, maxed spotify volume, and played Binding of Isaac: Afterbirth for hours.
Video games and music are my coping mechanisms, but they don't really fix the issue, just mute it. Stimming does the same thing, but on a smaller scale, and it's a lot less potent. The only way I've been able to really cope is by sleeping out the feelings and such. I'm usually feeling better by then.
So, when my dad came home, he had me help him clean up the mess downstairs, and after that, I went back to the world of gaming for a few more hours.
Today's volatile mood was surprising for me. I actually don't have these too often. Sure, I do have to deal with my anxiety, feelings, and sensory issues on a daily basis, but usually I keep them under control enough that I don't have to resort to what I did today. Hopefully, today will be a one-time thing for a while.
That's all for now, night y'all, Alex out. *Jumps through Stargate*
No comments:
Post a Comment