Broken Inside

So, yesterday was depressing.

I woke up and I was fairly upbeat, lazed around until I had about half an hour to get ready, and then so I did. School was eh, I was sorta anxious and hyper, which are both the same thing for me, really. Still getting these god damned stupid moments of something when I see my ex. They're really annoying, because I just want to move on and get over her. Sometime before 1st and after 2nd, I was thinking to myself "I wish I was more obviously broken." Skipping forward, 3rd period was... interesting, to say the least. We have lots of weird conversations in our group. I think at least half of it was about sex, and what constitutes as sex, and then two of them debated on whether you can lose your virginity in lesbian sex. Lots of weirdness. Anyways, 4th was uneventful, had a quiz, was easy. Then came Writers Block.

So, Writers Block. This is a writing club I got to every Friday, where we write about various things, and they are sometimes stories, other times poems. This time, it was a poem. We looked at some poems and then wrote our own. I wrote one. I didn't share it at the end, like I usually do. For two reason, 1) I don't have a way with words like some of the others do, so it wasn't that good and 2) It's extremely personal and related to my daily life. Which is why I'm gonna post it on here. Maybe some of you random internet peoples will understand. Oh, I shared it with two people there.

Here it is:

What I Want by Alex

I want others to see.
To look past my persona.
To notice how broken I am.

I want to be real.
To cry when I feel like it.
To break down when I need to.

I don't want to be fake.
To act around my friends.
To ignore my feelings.

I want to be happy.
To have a life.
To be more than I am.

I don't want to be ignored...
To be forgotten...
To be left behind...

I want someone to look,
And see me.
Understand me.
Like me.
Not a persona...
Not an act...
Me.

And then I went home and sulked. I think I sat in the shower for like, 2 hours. Yeah, yesterday, I was very depressed. One of my friends thought I was gonna commit suicide, which I wasn't, and I'm not going to. But I just want to meet someone who can look past my facade, and see the real me, not the act I put up in front of others. And in the next post, I'll talk about why I have to put up a facade.

That's all for now, sorry for the day late post, bye y'all.