This is a very real and very common feeling that we all experience at times. For some, it might be a more common occurrence while for others it might be their first time experiencing it. But the differences come from where the root of the jealousy is. Is it from anger? Betrayal? Fear? It's hard to say.
For me, it comes from fear. I fear a lot of things, some more and less than others. My biggest fears, I think that they arose after Emily. I think I made posts about that when I first started this blog, though really it's a personal (not so personal) online journal for me. Anyways, way back when I dated Emily and she broke up with me and almost immediately started dating someone else, I think that's where these fears started.
The fears being that I'm scared of losing who I am interested in to someone else. That they'll realize they don't like me that way, or that they don't like me that way anymore if they did in the first place. That they'll leave me for someone else, someone more good-looking, funnier, someone they connect with more. Someone better than me. Even thinking about these fears starts making me feel like crap. Like I'm worthless and not good enough. Inferior.
Raven and her family went up to a town farther up the state this weekend, I wasn't able to go with, so that sucked. Although because I wasn't able to go with, I was able to go to a couple of parties. And no, not teenage wild parties, just small bonfire parties, they were chill. So there were some positives.
But Raven met a couple guys up there, made friends with them, which is good for her, but when I found that out, my fear (and therefore jealousy) rose up. Now instead of just bottling these feelings up to deal with them at a later point, I closed my eyes and tried my best to sift through them and figure out what was wrong. Which is how I got to my fears.
Knowing what is wrong helps a lot, but they're still there and I don't know what to do. Do I accept them or reject them? Do I ignore them? I don't know what to do with them at all. I don't like feeling this way, I want to be able to not worry about this stuff. And these aren't from a lack of trust, either, I trust Raven. They're from my own feelings, of course. From my past experiences.
Monday, May 30, 2016
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
Woo! Best! Day! Ever!
Today I found out that Raven likes me too. Which makes me extremely happy. Although the events leading up to me finding that out were agonizing.
It was 4th period and as per usual, I was enjoying talking with Raven when I could, though eventually I had to go to my seat and get my work done. But shortly after I sit down, my friend Nick comes over and tells me that he heard from a friend that Raven likes someone else. This, of course, upset me. I hid it quite well, just politely trying to shoo him away because I needed to think and keep my emotions under control.
Now, I don't trust almost anything unless it's right from the source, but it didn't stop my mind from going on a god damned pessimistic spree of self-torturous events that left me more upset each time. This all going on for almost an hour. But what I did to help it was focus on my work and blast Sleeping With Sirens in my ears for most of that time. It distracted me a bit, but not entirely.
Eventually I went over and started joking and talking with Raven and I kid you not, my mood did a 1 freaking 80 and I was in a decent mood again! I don't know how, but being around her almost always cheers me up without fail.
Class ends and we do our normal thing of walking out of the class and talking, though shortly afterwards I do bring up the question as to whether she likes me back. She questions why I had to bring this up to her, and I explain that I don't want to get super invested in her, only for her to reject me and me be all sad and moody for months. Turns out she is just really awkward when it comes to admitting feelings for someone, but I did get her to answer the question just before she got on her bus. She said yes, she does like me in that way! Fucking made me the happiest person in the school at that moment, and still to this one too!
I was so scared that she wouldn't return my feelings. They're really intense and strong feelings, too. I don't know her level of feelings, but I do know mine. It would have left me extremely devastated if she had rejected me.
But, all in all, great fucking day. Just, freaking brilliant!
It was 4th period and as per usual, I was enjoying talking with Raven when I could, though eventually I had to go to my seat and get my work done. But shortly after I sit down, my friend Nick comes over and tells me that he heard from a friend that Raven likes someone else. This, of course, upset me. I hid it quite well, just politely trying to shoo him away because I needed to think and keep my emotions under control.
Now, I don't trust almost anything unless it's right from the source, but it didn't stop my mind from going on a god damned pessimistic spree of self-torturous events that left me more upset each time. This all going on for almost an hour. But what I did to help it was focus on my work and blast Sleeping With Sirens in my ears for most of that time. It distracted me a bit, but not entirely.
Eventually I went over and started joking and talking with Raven and I kid you not, my mood did a 1 freaking 80 and I was in a decent mood again! I don't know how, but being around her almost always cheers me up without fail.
Class ends and we do our normal thing of walking out of the class and talking, though shortly afterwards I do bring up the question as to whether she likes me back. She questions why I had to bring this up to her, and I explain that I don't want to get super invested in her, only for her to reject me and me be all sad and moody for months. Turns out she is just really awkward when it comes to admitting feelings for someone, but I did get her to answer the question just before she got on her bus. She said yes, she does like me in that way! Fucking made me the happiest person in the school at that moment, and still to this one too!
I was so scared that she wouldn't return my feelings. They're really intense and strong feelings, too. I don't know her level of feelings, but I do know mine. It would have left me extremely devastated if she had rejected me.
But, all in all, great fucking day. Just, freaking brilliant!
(Technically she's not my fish yet, cause I haven't asked her out, but we both like each other, so all you other fish can merrily fuck off :D)
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Magical Safety Dragons For All!
To follow up on the ending of the last post, the reason for this blog was a two-part thing. One: Because I almost never find any blogs on teenagers with Asperger's Syndrome, I wanted to start my own since there weren't any really that I could find. Two: I needed a safe place to vent that wouldn't directly affect my personal life. By that, I mean I wanted to be able to vent without always having to go to a specific person to do so. It's a sanctuary of sorts.
So. I like Raven. Most of you are probably un-surprised, I made it fairly obvious. I'm still not going to ask her out though. I just want to take my time and go at a pace I'm comfortable with. So much in my generation is rushed, we're so impatient, it's crazy. This time though, I'm going to be patient and take my time.
I recently did some research into demisexuality. The word popped into my head the other day, as words tend to do for me, so I looked it up and I felt sort of resonant with it. Here's the definition:" A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone. It's more commonly seen in but by no means confined to romantic relationships. The term demisexual comes from the orientation being "halfway between" sexual and asexual." I don't fall for people that I don't know. Physical beauty only kicks in when I find an emotional connection with them. At least, in most cases.
This would also explain why I usually only find an interest in people I'm friends with, since when you make a friend it's because you're socializing and developing an emotional connection with them, though that is usually in a more platonic sense. I do generally think of my friends in platonic ways. Usually. Some of them are quite beautiful, so... (I mean, they're all beautiful in their own ways, but not all of them appeal to me in the physical sense.)
Anyways, back on topic! I told Raven I liked her yesterday. She didn't really react, well, she did, but not in a way that I interpret as negative nor positive. It was sort of a neutral reaction, so maybe she didn't know how to? I don't know, but as I told one of my best friends last night, I'm just going to play it by ear, see how things pan out. I'm not going to over-think things or worry too much about them, that simply won't help me in this situation.
Here, have a magical safety dragon!
So. I like Raven. Most of you are probably un-surprised, I made it fairly obvious. I'm still not going to ask her out though. I just want to take my time and go at a pace I'm comfortable with. So much in my generation is rushed, we're so impatient, it's crazy. This time though, I'm going to be patient and take my time.
I recently did some research into demisexuality. The word popped into my head the other day, as words tend to do for me, so I looked it up and I felt sort of resonant with it. Here's the definition:" A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone. It's more commonly seen in but by no means confined to romantic relationships. The term demisexual comes from the orientation being "halfway between" sexual and asexual." I don't fall for people that I don't know. Physical beauty only kicks in when I find an emotional connection with them. At least, in most cases.
This would also explain why I usually only find an interest in people I'm friends with, since when you make a friend it's because you're socializing and developing an emotional connection with them, though that is usually in a more platonic sense. I do generally think of my friends in platonic ways. Usually. Some of them are quite beautiful, so... (I mean, they're all beautiful in their own ways, but not all of them appeal to me in the physical sense.)
Anyways, back on topic! I told Raven I liked her yesterday. She didn't really react, well, she did, but not in a way that I interpret as negative nor positive. It was sort of a neutral reaction, so maybe she didn't know how to? I don't know, but as I told one of my best friends last night, I'm just going to play it by ear, see how things pan out. I'm not going to over-think things or worry too much about them, that simply won't help me in this situation.
Here, have a magical safety dragon!
Saturday, April 30, 2016
Self-Harm
When you think of self-harm, you probably think of cutting oneself with a blade or something like that. Or maybe breaking your own bones. Hitting yourself. Well, there are more ways to harm yourself than just cutting, and more ways than the physical.
There's self-harm in the form of mental torture. Going over the worst of the worst possibilities in your mind, the most harmful to your emotions, your self-esteem, your state of mind. That's something I do fairly often and there's very little I can do to prevent it. A line from from the song Can You Feel My Heart by Bring Me The Horizon is very akin to this. It's "I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim"
No matter how hard I try to stop it, they'll always come rushing back up at me until I mentally give up and let it happen. Sometimes I'll even welcome it, because it'll be a way to express the feelings I have to bottle up.
It gets the worst when I have someone I like. Because then I'll torture myself over the smallest things. I wanted to go to the mall today, to go to Hot Topic, with my love interest, but she couldn't go. So the torture for this particular event was that she lied and went on her own, and I found out because she let it slip while we were hanging out in the library. Then I run out, jumping and knocking over computers to get to the door as fast as possible while she calls out and chases me. I get out and just sprint down halls until I get to the Freshman hall. I go into the bathroom and collapse in a relatively clean corner and just freeze, trying to hold in the tears. A school administrator finds me and wants to take me back to class, but I refuse to go because there's a group of people in there who would gladly tear me to shreds if I gave them the right ammunition. Time skips to 4th where I share a class with my love interest. Here, I just sit in my chair, headphones in and volume maxed. It's myself trying to ignore her as she's in tears next to me trying to explain.
That's just one example of my many ways that I can mentally torture myself, or maybe just one instance of what went through my mind while I lay in bed and try not to cry. Similar to right now.
I haven't updated my blog in a while, and the original creation of this was to have a place that I could vent when I needed to, so that's what I'm doing now. Venting. At the very least, it's keeping me from more mental torture since I need to focus on the screen to type. Or was, at least, since I'm done with this post.
There's self-harm in the form of mental torture. Going over the worst of the worst possibilities in your mind, the most harmful to your emotions, your self-esteem, your state of mind. That's something I do fairly often and there's very little I can do to prevent it. A line from from the song Can You Feel My Heart by Bring Me The Horizon is very akin to this. It's "I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim"
No matter how hard I try to stop it, they'll always come rushing back up at me until I mentally give up and let it happen. Sometimes I'll even welcome it, because it'll be a way to express the feelings I have to bottle up.
It gets the worst when I have someone I like. Because then I'll torture myself over the smallest things. I wanted to go to the mall today, to go to Hot Topic, with my love interest, but she couldn't go. So the torture for this particular event was that she lied and went on her own, and I found out because she let it slip while we were hanging out in the library. Then I run out, jumping and knocking over computers to get to the door as fast as possible while she calls out and chases me. I get out and just sprint down halls until I get to the Freshman hall. I go into the bathroom and collapse in a relatively clean corner and just freeze, trying to hold in the tears. A school administrator finds me and wants to take me back to class, but I refuse to go because there's a group of people in there who would gladly tear me to shreds if I gave them the right ammunition. Time skips to 4th where I share a class with my love interest. Here, I just sit in my chair, headphones in and volume maxed. It's myself trying to ignore her as she's in tears next to me trying to explain.
That's just one example of my many ways that I can mentally torture myself, or maybe just one instance of what went through my mind while I lay in bed and try not to cry. Similar to right now.
I haven't updated my blog in a while, and the original creation of this was to have a place that I could vent when I needed to, so that's what I'm doing now. Venting. At the very least, it's keeping me from more mental torture since I need to focus on the screen to type. Or was, at least, since I'm done with this post.
Sunday, April 24, 2016
The Line
One side is a dream,
A fantasy for the hopeful.
Another is reality,
A life for the lonely.
I walk this line,
This line between my lives,
I wonder where I'll fall,
On the left or the right?
The left is filled,
Filled with hate,
With anxiety, sadness,
Emptiness.
The right is filled,
Filled with love,
With contentment, happiness,
Life.
Where will I fall?
Thursday, April 14, 2016
Fear of Being Replaced
Okay, it's been a while. Prom has come and gone, it was fun. I made two new friends. David and Raven, they're siblings. I made a terrible joke on accident concerning them because I didn't have all the information that I needed. But they didn't hold it against me thankfully and I actually got to know them. I'm really enjoying the time I get to talk with them and interact, especially with Raven.
I just smile like a goof when I'm with her, she's fun and interesting, even though she's sort of quiet and introverted like me. I may like her, I may not, it's not something I'm particularly inclined to think about right now, because honestly, I'm still dealing with the after effects of my relationship with Hannah.
I didn't realize it until recently, but she left a sort of psychological/emotional mark on me due to the manipulation that I went through with her and it's just left me feeling like I don't want another relationship for a while. On top of that, I don't want to rush into something again, I want to develop a friendship and get to know the next person I end up with. Whether that person will be Raven has yet to be seen, but for now, I just want a friend.
Though a new fear has popped up and that is my fear of being replaced. I'm scared that she's gonna replace me with someone she shares deeper and more common interests with. Just thinking about it makes me lose motivation and it feels like I need to cry. Because I can honestly and easily imagine it happening.
Yesterday during lunch, we were chilling near the entrance to the library cause there were teachers having a meeting or something by the spot we usually were in, and just talking and chatting about things. One of her other friends comes in and joins in on our conversation, though I can't contribute as much because it's about manga and I don't read much manga, but I still can add something to it.
Then my ex and friend Emily comes in and joins the conversation, and that's the point at which I'm basically ignored and can't add much of anything to the conversation. So I just sit where I had been sitting and watch them get excited and happy and become friends and that's when my fear started.
Because Emily has so much more in common with her and I know firsthand how easy it is to be sucked into her. So now I'm scared that I'm gonna be replaced and that the 1 on 1 time I had talking with her during lunch is going to be lost because Emily is now going to start appearing to talk too. And I can't voice any of these worries to her because 1.) I don't know how to even start and 2.) I'm scared that I'm gonna freak Raven out or something and she won't talk to me anymore.
I just smile like a goof when I'm with her, she's fun and interesting, even though she's sort of quiet and introverted like me. I may like her, I may not, it's not something I'm particularly inclined to think about right now, because honestly, I'm still dealing with the after effects of my relationship with Hannah.
I didn't realize it until recently, but she left a sort of psychological/emotional mark on me due to the manipulation that I went through with her and it's just left me feeling like I don't want another relationship for a while. On top of that, I don't want to rush into something again, I want to develop a friendship and get to know the next person I end up with. Whether that person will be Raven has yet to be seen, but for now, I just want a friend.
Though a new fear has popped up and that is my fear of being replaced. I'm scared that she's gonna replace me with someone she shares deeper and more common interests with. Just thinking about it makes me lose motivation and it feels like I need to cry. Because I can honestly and easily imagine it happening.
Yesterday during lunch, we were chilling near the entrance to the library cause there were teachers having a meeting or something by the spot we usually were in, and just talking and chatting about things. One of her other friends comes in and joins in on our conversation, though I can't contribute as much because it's about manga and I don't read much manga, but I still can add something to it.
Then my ex and friend Emily comes in and joins the conversation, and that's the point at which I'm basically ignored and can't add much of anything to the conversation. So I just sit where I had been sitting and watch them get excited and happy and become friends and that's when my fear started.
Because Emily has so much more in common with her and I know firsthand how easy it is to be sucked into her. So now I'm scared that I'm gonna be replaced and that the 1 on 1 time I had talking with her during lunch is going to be lost because Emily is now going to start appearing to talk too. And I can't voice any of these worries to her because 1.) I don't know how to even start and 2.) I'm scared that I'm gonna freak Raven out or something and she won't talk to me anymore.
Sunday, April 3, 2016
Late Night Update
Okay, here's the deal. On Friday, I was internally freaking out so much about asking Emily to prom, that I was not able to do it in person. Something was holding me back. So I asked her via Facebook messenger and the damn messages did not go through AT ALL. I never got another chance to talk with her after lunch, so yeah.
Prom tickets aren't being sold anymore, so I'm going solo, but that's perfectly fine. I don't get what the stigma is on going alone? I mean, I wanted to go with Emily, but other than that I'm fine with going alone.
I actually spent the whole of Saturday night talking with Emily about various things, but I won't go into that cause that's a conversation between us and I don't think she would appreciate me sharing that with the people of the internet.
I don't think I'm actually going to mention anything about Prom to her to be honest. I'm actually quite happy with how our friendship is right now. The future is fickle and so life will play out how it will. For now, I just want to enjoy what I have and get this school year finished with hopefully passing grades!
Prom tickets aren't being sold anymore, so I'm going solo, but that's perfectly fine. I don't get what the stigma is on going alone? I mean, I wanted to go with Emily, but other than that I'm fine with going alone.
I actually spent the whole of Saturday night talking with Emily about various things, but I won't go into that cause that's a conversation between us and I don't think she would appreciate me sharing that with the people of the internet.
I don't think I'm actually going to mention anything about Prom to her to be honest. I'm actually quite happy with how our friendship is right now. The future is fickle and so life will play out how it will. For now, I just want to enjoy what I have and get this school year finished with hopefully passing grades!
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Events of Importance
Today on the way to school, the bus got in an accident. Someone pulled out in front of the bus abruptly and the driver had to slam on the breaks really hard. We were all jerked around a bit, and a few of the middle schoolers were shaken up, but no one was injured. We were all late to school though. The cops were called and not only did the cops arrive, but so did an ambulance and fire truck.
We were stuck there approximately 30 minutes to an hour. Another bus driver came and picked us up, since ours couldn't leave yet. The middle schoolers were dropped off, then us high schoolers, except for three of us who went to Sims in the morning, we were taken there after the apalachee kids got dropped off.
My 2nd period teacher was being a seriously condescending bitch today.
Didn't eat breakfast or lunch, but I did eat dinner.
Spent lunch reading in the library, at least until Emily arrived, at which point I couldn't concentrate (I'll be honest, I could barely concentrate in the first place,) and decided to put my book down and see what Emily was up to. People are constantly trying to complete puzzles and hang them up on walls, so she was working on the in progress one. I helped out a bit, found some pieces, but didn't really accomplish all too much.
Walked back to class with her and generally acted silly. Can't stop smiling around her, most of the time.
In 4th, I was in a really miserable mood, so instead of doing the work assigned, I worked on a story in my writing notebook. Got a few pages done, which I'm rather proud of! Tried to flesh out the characters a bit, give them their own personalities some more.
Bus ride home uneventful.
Spent the hours after I got home finishing the book Ready Player One, amazing book, second time reading it, still makes me smile. Got the post-book blues though.
Turns out my friend who had wanted (and gotten) my permission to pursue Emily only thinks of her as a friend and has been avoiding her. I let him know about my reemerging feelings for her and he told me to go for it, but that it also seemed like she was playing with my feelings. And she may very well be doing just that. But I'm a glutton for punishment, dense as a rock, and want to trust that she isn't doing that, so my plan is to ask her to Prom tomorrow during lunch.
It's kind of- okay, a lot eating me up worrying about it, cause I don't want to ruin our friendship, but I also can't just let this perfect opportunity go to waste and pine over the 'what ifs'!
And now I'm going to sleep.
We were stuck there approximately 30 minutes to an hour. Another bus driver came and picked us up, since ours couldn't leave yet. The middle schoolers were dropped off, then us high schoolers, except for three of us who went to Sims in the morning, we were taken there after the apalachee kids got dropped off.
My 2nd period teacher was being a seriously condescending bitch today.
Didn't eat breakfast or lunch, but I did eat dinner.
Spent lunch reading in the library, at least until Emily arrived, at which point I couldn't concentrate (I'll be honest, I could barely concentrate in the first place,) and decided to put my book down and see what Emily was up to. People are constantly trying to complete puzzles and hang them up on walls, so she was working on the in progress one. I helped out a bit, found some pieces, but didn't really accomplish all too much.
Walked back to class with her and generally acted silly. Can't stop smiling around her, most of the time.
In 4th, I was in a really miserable mood, so instead of doing the work assigned, I worked on a story in my writing notebook. Got a few pages done, which I'm rather proud of! Tried to flesh out the characters a bit, give them their own personalities some more.
Bus ride home uneventful.
Spent the hours after I got home finishing the book Ready Player One, amazing book, second time reading it, still makes me smile. Got the post-book blues though.
Turns out my friend who had wanted (and gotten) my permission to pursue Emily only thinks of her as a friend and has been avoiding her. I let him know about my reemerging feelings for her and he told me to go for it, but that it also seemed like she was playing with my feelings. And she may very well be doing just that. But I'm a glutton for punishment, dense as a rock, and want to trust that she isn't doing that, so my plan is to ask her to Prom tomorrow during lunch.
It's kind of- okay, a lot eating me up worrying about it, cause I don't want to ruin our friendship, but I also can't just let this perfect opportunity go to waste and pine over the 'what ifs'!
And now I'm going to sleep.
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
FEELINGS BE LIKE "F*** YOU AND YOUR COMFORT LEVELS"
So, I'm gonna discuss the past two days and something that I'm currently experiencing... Again.
The subject is feelings. Feelings are strange, irrational, they leave you speechless and tongue-tied. Sad or angry. Happy, excited, full of boundless energy! And especially when those feelings are directed towards a person, but we'll get more on that later.
I'm constantly observing this one group of friends at school. I see many of them multiple times throughout the day, although they've never noticed me either looking at them or if they have, they never commented or confronted. It also seems that they haven't noticed that I pass by them every day at some point. I had been observing one serious (seeming) relationship among them for most of the year, except those two broke up a little while ago, couple months I think.
One of those two immediately started seeing someone else among the group and the other one, he didn't seem too distraught, but neither did he immediately move onto someone else. It astounded me how he could be so casual about it. He didn't seem upset or hurt. It might have been a mutual breakup, of course. But more towards yesterday and today.
Yesterday I had decided to wear my jacket to school, no idea why. Either out of habit or just a whim on the wind. (Oh, that's a good line, I'm gonna remember that!) No matter what made me wear it, it came in handy later that day. It was getting hot that day and I decided to take my jacket off, but I don't like to leave anything I own behind, so along with my phone and headphones, I took my jacket with me. Carried it in the crook between my arm and my shirt, while having my hands in my pockets.
Then my first ex, Emily, ran up next to me. We started talking and chatting, some nonsensical stuff, other topics more important. It varied. Anyways, she gets cold really easily, so after offering my body warmth for a moment or two, (Cause who wouldn't want a hot and beautiful girl cuddled up to them?), I gave her my big and warm jacket to where. Shortly after this I departed for the library and told her that's where she would find me if she needed me.
So, a few minutes later I'm sitting in the library in one of the two comfy chairs, reading a newly checked out book... At least that's what I kept telling myself, even though I was looking up at the doors every few minutes or when I heard it open. In reality, I was waiting for Emily or hoping for her, I should say. I couldn't focus on the book, I kept thinking about Emily! She did show up towards the end of lunch.
She sort of looked into the library shyly, seeing if she could spot me. When she did, she came over and sat on the arm of the chair. She was wearing my jacket which, strangely, pleased me. We talked and chatted again, this time with someone else joining in on the conversation too. At some point she slid onto my LAP and I was both unsure of what to do and also happy with this. Even when the bell rang, I didn't comment cause I didn't wanna move or have to get up. Eventually I did though when the librarian roused us from the conversation by yelling that that had been the bell.
Emily walked with me back to my class, even though she didn't really need to. Outside it, we hugged and after she crushed my side, I returned the favor with my signature bear hug that usually leaves her holding her boobs and giving me a 'Why?!' look, cause she jokes about that hug popping her boobs XD
Onto the next day, switching back to the people who I observe. The girl who had immediately started dating someone else, she was dating another new one, the old dude nowhere in sight, so maybe not quite a mutual breakup this time? Anyways, the guy from the original relationship with the girl, he was dating one of the other friends now, which I honestly wasn't surprised about, it seemed quite likely to happen. I don't know any of their names though, otherwise keeping them sorted would be so much easier.
On a side note of today: I woke up with a head-splitting headache that I had had just before I went to sleep last night. It affected me up until about lunch time, but basically left me disabled and unable to focus on anything for the first two periods.
Fast forwarding to when the lunch bell rings, I purposely walk slowly out of my classroom because I want Emily to run up to me again. Not even lying to myself at this point. Unfortunately, this does not happen and I get to the lunch table I share with two friends, Maia (my first real crush at this school, but also one of my closest friends (I swear to god any of you who know me at this school you better not ever mention this in real life >:|)) and Melissa, a friend of Maia, mostly acquaintance to me.
After somewhere between five to ten minutes of me mostly just sitting there, I announce that I'm going to the library, where I actually try to concentrate on reading this time to try to get Emily out of my head. Of course, my reason for going there in the first place was to wait for her, so there's that...
I succeed in concentrating on the reading for a while, with an occasional relapse in thinking of Emily here and there. That is, until she herself appears and sits on the arm of the chair again, this time near my head, as I was laying across it. She is again wearing my jacket, which still pleases me. We joke around for a bit, but I can't stop staring at her and keep getting romantic thoughts in my head that I can't say out loud.
She actually leaves me tongue-tied sometimes. Literally all I could do was stare at her. She kept asking why I was staring and she was getting more embarrassed and it just made me stare more. I wanted to pull her down into my arms and hold her, but I couldn't do that either. I literally was left speechless and motionless. No way to abstractly describe it.
So, the main topic being feelings, I am developing feelings for her again, as bad an idea as that is. But feelings are irrational and be like "YOU'RE GONNA LIKE THIS PERSON AND YOU'RE GONNA JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT!" I think that's the best way to describe them.
So yeah, that would be the days' events for me. I'm left in the awkward position of wanting to ask her out again, this time to Prom and wanting to just keep things the way they are now, awkward-less and fun.
The subject is feelings. Feelings are strange, irrational, they leave you speechless and tongue-tied. Sad or angry. Happy, excited, full of boundless energy! And especially when those feelings are directed towards a person, but we'll get more on that later.
I'm constantly observing this one group of friends at school. I see many of them multiple times throughout the day, although they've never noticed me either looking at them or if they have, they never commented or confronted. It also seems that they haven't noticed that I pass by them every day at some point. I had been observing one serious (seeming) relationship among them for most of the year, except those two broke up a little while ago, couple months I think.
One of those two immediately started seeing someone else among the group and the other one, he didn't seem too distraught, but neither did he immediately move onto someone else. It astounded me how he could be so casual about it. He didn't seem upset or hurt. It might have been a mutual breakup, of course. But more towards yesterday and today.
Yesterday I had decided to wear my jacket to school, no idea why. Either out of habit or just a whim on the wind. (Oh, that's a good line, I'm gonna remember that!) No matter what made me wear it, it came in handy later that day. It was getting hot that day and I decided to take my jacket off, but I don't like to leave anything I own behind, so along with my phone and headphones, I took my jacket with me. Carried it in the crook between my arm and my shirt, while having my hands in my pockets.
Then my first ex, Emily, ran up next to me. We started talking and chatting, some nonsensical stuff, other topics more important. It varied. Anyways, she gets cold really easily, so after offering my body warmth for a moment or two, (Cause who wouldn't want a hot and beautiful girl cuddled up to them?), I gave her my big and warm jacket to where. Shortly after this I departed for the library and told her that's where she would find me if she needed me.
So, a few minutes later I'm sitting in the library in one of the two comfy chairs, reading a newly checked out book... At least that's what I kept telling myself, even though I was looking up at the doors every few minutes or when I heard it open. In reality, I was waiting for Emily or hoping for her, I should say. I couldn't focus on the book, I kept thinking about Emily! She did show up towards the end of lunch.
She sort of looked into the library shyly, seeing if she could spot me. When she did, she came over and sat on the arm of the chair. She was wearing my jacket which, strangely, pleased me. We talked and chatted again, this time with someone else joining in on the conversation too. At some point she slid onto my LAP and I was both unsure of what to do and also happy with this. Even when the bell rang, I didn't comment cause I didn't wanna move or have to get up. Eventually I did though when the librarian roused us from the conversation by yelling that that had been the bell.
Emily walked with me back to my class, even though she didn't really need to. Outside it, we hugged and after she crushed my side, I returned the favor with my signature bear hug that usually leaves her holding her boobs and giving me a 'Why?!' look, cause she jokes about that hug popping her boobs XD
Onto the next day, switching back to the people who I observe. The girl who had immediately started dating someone else, she was dating another new one, the old dude nowhere in sight, so maybe not quite a mutual breakup this time? Anyways, the guy from the original relationship with the girl, he was dating one of the other friends now, which I honestly wasn't surprised about, it seemed quite likely to happen. I don't know any of their names though, otherwise keeping them sorted would be so much easier.
On a side note of today: I woke up with a head-splitting headache that I had had just before I went to sleep last night. It affected me up until about lunch time, but basically left me disabled and unable to focus on anything for the first two periods.
Fast forwarding to when the lunch bell rings, I purposely walk slowly out of my classroom because I want Emily to run up to me again. Not even lying to myself at this point. Unfortunately, this does not happen and I get to the lunch table I share with two friends, Maia (my first real crush at this school, but also one of my closest friends (I swear to god any of you who know me at this school you better not ever mention this in real life >:|)) and Melissa, a friend of Maia, mostly acquaintance to me.
After somewhere between five to ten minutes of me mostly just sitting there, I announce that I'm going to the library, where I actually try to concentrate on reading this time to try to get Emily out of my head. Of course, my reason for going there in the first place was to wait for her, so there's that...
I succeed in concentrating on the reading for a while, with an occasional relapse in thinking of Emily here and there. That is, until she herself appears and sits on the arm of the chair again, this time near my head, as I was laying across it. She is again wearing my jacket, which still pleases me. We joke around for a bit, but I can't stop staring at her and keep getting romantic thoughts in my head that I can't say out loud.
She actually leaves me tongue-tied sometimes. Literally all I could do was stare at her. She kept asking why I was staring and she was getting more embarrassed and it just made me stare more. I wanted to pull her down into my arms and hold her, but I couldn't do that either. I literally was left speechless and motionless. No way to abstractly describe it.
So, the main topic being feelings, I am developing feelings for her again, as bad an idea as that is. But feelings are irrational and be like "YOU'RE GONNA LIKE THIS PERSON AND YOU'RE GONNA JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT!" I think that's the best way to describe them.
So yeah, that would be the days' events for me. I'm left in the awkward position of wanting to ask her out again, this time to Prom and wanting to just keep things the way they are now, awkward-less and fun.
Friday, March 25, 2016
Cold
Walking through the dark, walking through my life.
Who's shining through the window? Who's a shadow?
Void is my heart, steel are my eyes, rock is skin.
Acting out a play, moving to the beat of society.
Solitude and contentment.
All of this weaves together, it tailors the lives of many.
Who's shining through the window? Who's a shadow?
Void is my heart, steel are my eyes, rock is skin.
Acting out a play, moving to the beat of society.
Solitude and contentment.
All of this weaves together, it tailors the lives of many.
Shadow
I like to live in a lie. I hide from the world, upstairs, in my room. I don't want to have to deal with people or things. They're annoying and piss me off. They're all hypocrites, irrational, mean, crazy, stupid, and so many other things. But I have to deal with them anyways. You know why? Because I don't have a choice. If it were up to me, I would be living in a cabin, playing video games on my high end computer for the rest of my life. Eating pizza, drinking soda. No worries about talking with others. No worries about hurting others.
Recently, I told many people that I'm not gonna get into anymore relationships in high school. Too much drama. Well, what I didn't tell them was that I'm not going relationships anymore, period. I'm very much out of place in this world and when I try to find a place, I end up hurting others. That's not worth it to me, to find a place. The price is too high. Which is why I want to live alone, in a cabin, and play video games. No human contact. It's very tiring, interacting with others. But more than anything, I just want to be alone. People would be better off without me. And I don't mean that in a suicidal way, I mean that in a learned way.
I'm the support character in others' stories.
I can fade away and people wouldn't be any the wiser.
When people whom I know look back on their time with friends years later, I won't be remembered in any of that.
How might I know that? Cause it already happens quite often. I can walk by close friends in school without them noticing me. It happens all the time. I'm a very forgetful person, and I don't mean that in a first person sense. I mean it in the third person. One time, as a test, I sat in Writer's Block without saying a word to anyone and just wrote. You know what happened? I got skipped over. No one noticed, not even my friends. Even at the friends' parties that I've gone to, I've easily stood on the outside without anyone noticing for a long time. A lot like someone else I know, not personally, but more as an acquaintance.
His name is Mason, and he utterly hates me. And maybe it's cause I act like a complete fucking idiot. Or maybe cause I don't know shit about politics. It could even be because we're so similar. One of the parties for a friend that I went to, he also went to. It was their birthday party. Like me, he was also sort of on the outside. But like me, he also faded real easy from thought. He left the party early without anyone noticing, for quite a while actually.
So, let's face it, I'm a shadow, and shadows burn away to nothing in the light of others.
Saturday, March 19, 2016
Nightmares and Revelations
It seems I have a semi-recurring nightmare problem. To elaborate, many times in the past I have had nightmares, some bordering on night terrors, of the aliens from Aliens VS Predator. They don't seem to be triggered by any sort of specific event as far as I can tell. They just happen.
It was last night that I had the most recent one and I only remember bits and pieces of it. For instance, it was at one point in the style of a top down twin-stick shooter. Sort of like Dead Ops Arcade from Black Ops 1. I'm deathly afraid of horror games and such, even though I actually love them.
So the next part that I remember was someone asking/encouraging me to go into a room with a Xenomorph somewhere inside it, but the exactly location was unknown. I flat out refused to. I think that that was the point that I started to wake up at.
When I did escape from the clutches of the nightmare, my first action was to go to my phone and start blasting music from it. That was the only way I was able to calm down and go back to sleep. I think the reason the nightmare started in the first place was because my computer went to sleep in the middle of night, stopping Netflix from playing.
Now that I think about it, I tend to get nightmares when there isn't ambient noise like people talking or music with singing going on. Which is usually why I might play Netflix before I got to sleep. Keeps the dreams away. Just figured that out, if you were wondering.
It was last night that I had the most recent one and I only remember bits and pieces of it. For instance, it was at one point in the style of a top down twin-stick shooter. Sort of like Dead Ops Arcade from Black Ops 1. I'm deathly afraid of horror games and such, even though I actually love them.
So the next part that I remember was someone asking/encouraging me to go into a room with a Xenomorph somewhere inside it, but the exactly location was unknown. I flat out refused to. I think that that was the point that I started to wake up at.
When I did escape from the clutches of the nightmare, my first action was to go to my phone and start blasting music from it. That was the only way I was able to calm down and go back to sleep. I think the reason the nightmare started in the first place was because my computer went to sleep in the middle of night, stopping Netflix from playing.
Now that I think about it, I tend to get nightmares when there isn't ambient noise like people talking or music with singing going on. Which is usually why I might play Netflix before I got to sleep. Keeps the dreams away. Just figured that out, if you were wondering.
Friday, March 18, 2016
Expectations
Today and yesterday's topic is expectations. They can be good and they can be bad. Some people expect you to fail miserably, to amount to nothing, to not get anywhere in life. Others expect great things from you, like to be super smart, pass with straight A's, and to be a wealthy businessman (or businesswoman). And then there are the average expectations, like the ones to do house chores or do your homework.
There's a flaw in all of that though. Others expectations shouldn't matter to us, even our families'. We should care about our own expectations and make our decisions based off of those, not others'. When I choose to do my homework or take out the garbage, as examples, I want those to be my expectations about my own character and actions to reflect it. I don't want it to be others expectations I'm acting off of, because those wouldn't be my own uninfluenced choices.
It's impossible to avoid all types of influence. It's gonna happen when you ask for advice or hear about something. But there are some types you can avoid and I'm going to make an effort to avoid those. Because I am fed up with expectations and will act on my own from now on, no more will I listen to others'.
There's a flaw in all of that though. Others expectations shouldn't matter to us, even our families'. We should care about our own expectations and make our decisions based off of those, not others'. When I choose to do my homework or take out the garbage, as examples, I want those to be my expectations about my own character and actions to reflect it. I don't want it to be others expectations I'm acting off of, because those wouldn't be my own uninfluenced choices.
It's impossible to avoid all types of influence. It's gonna happen when you ask for advice or hear about something. But there are some types you can avoid and I'm going to make an effort to avoid those. Because I am fed up with expectations and will act on my own from now on, no more will I listen to others'.
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Late Night Admission
Actually, I want to make a second post today, well, technically it's the next day for me. This time, it's about two things: 1. How much I hate it when I eat too much. and 2. How much of a spoiled brat I am, but how I keep that part of myself locked away.
I'm gonna keep this short and sweet though. I easily over eat because I love food and I can't easily tell when exactly I'm full until a little while after eating or until I have over-eaten. Which leads to me eating too much, too often. The fact that I don't eat any healthy foods doesn't help, either.
For the second part, I need to give a bit of an explanation. When my siblings and I were younger, we basically did get what we asked for, at least based on what I remember. Which isn't a whole lot at times. We got McDonalds a bunch, I remember that, but at some point at a rather early age for this kind of thinking, I realized I shouldn't always be asking for stuff. I wanted stuff, sure, but I did somehow have the rational thought to realize that I couldn't and shouldn't get everything I want.
So I simply stopped asking for most things, except for pizza and video games. I did still ask for those, and occasionally still do. But still, since then, I've very much rarely asked for things. My family isn't rich, so it's not like they could've given us everything we asked for anyways.
My point is that I'm still a spoiled brat though. Too many things have given to me, whether I asked for them or not. I keep it under control in most cases, but today/yesterday was a shining example that that side can easily break out if I don't keep it under control and my defenses up.
I'm gonna keep this short and sweet though. I easily over eat because I love food and I can't easily tell when exactly I'm full until a little while after eating or until I have over-eaten. Which leads to me eating too much, too often. The fact that I don't eat any healthy foods doesn't help, either.
For the second part, I need to give a bit of an explanation. When my siblings and I were younger, we basically did get what we asked for, at least based on what I remember. Which isn't a whole lot at times. We got McDonalds a bunch, I remember that, but at some point at a rather early age for this kind of thinking, I realized I shouldn't always be asking for stuff. I wanted stuff, sure, but I did somehow have the rational thought to realize that I couldn't and shouldn't get everything I want.
So I simply stopped asking for most things, except for pizza and video games. I did still ask for those, and occasionally still do. But still, since then, I've very much rarely asked for things. My family isn't rich, so it's not like they could've given us everything we asked for anyways.
My point is that I'm still a spoiled brat though. Too many things have given to me, whether I asked for them or not. I keep it under control in most cases, but today/yesterday was a shining example that that side can easily break out if I don't keep it under control and my defenses up.
Ashamed
So, it's probably well known that people with Asperger's Syndrome have meltdowns sometimes. Our emotions can easily get the better of us and we can throw fits, whether they be crying or angry yelling/hitting or we might just shut down entirely. The way I've always seen shutdowns is me being a turtle who needs to hide in the safety of his shell.
Today, I had a meltdown. My defenses were down and I hadn't even noticed it. I wish I had, because I really am ashamed of what I did today. And not just because of my meltdown, but because I've also become fluent in straight-faced lying. It was lunch time and I hadn't brought my own lunch with me today, but I was hoping they would let me charge it on my account and I could bring money the next day. Unfortunately, due to a board policy that I actually did not know about at the time, charging wasn't allowed. (Just in case you don't know what I mean when I say "charging," I mean charging the amount owed on my account so that I could pay it at a later date.) I was at the back of the line and literally the second to last person in line, so when I got up to the register, I wanted to just go sit down and eat.
Unfortunately, that's now how it went. When I put my lunch number in, the lunch lady told me that I didn't have any money in my account, which I already knew, but I lied and said that I didn't know or forgot that I didn't have any money left, due to me bringing my lunch for a few days prior to today based on personal reasons. The lunch lady was apologetic, but told me I had to give my tray back. I was upset and still pissed because of something that had happened earlier in the day, less than half an hour before lunch in fact. As I turned and walked back through the line area, I muttered "bitch" under my breath, which is one of the things I'm extremely ashamed about. It wasn't the lunch lady's fault and even though I didn't know about the school board policy yet, I still shouldn't have taken that out on her, whether she knew I was or not.
So I gave my lunch tray back and felt like crying while also wanting to vent my anger by hitting something. On my way out the doorway of the line, I slammed the book I had been carrying with me into the doorway to vent some of my frustration and anger in a controlled manner, and as I did that the lunch lady called me over and explained the board policy to me. She offered me an alternative lunch, which I knew wouldn't really be lunch, just something to eat, so I refused. Before I left though, the very last person that had been in the line recognized me and gave me two dollars to pay for my lunch.
I tried to refuse, but it was a half-hearted refusal at best. The next point at which I'm ashamed is that he remembered my name, but I, for the life of me, could not remember his. I recognized him, but I did not remember who he was. I really wanted to give him a hug for his act of kindness, but I didn't want to freak him out. So I took the money and got my lunch back, paid for it, and ate it happily.
I hate how much of a liar I am though. It's effortless sometimes and that actually freaks me out. I know when I'm lying too, I don't delude myself into thinking that it's the truth. It should not be this easy to lie. Ever. So yup, that's my post for today, even though there is a lot more I could talk about.
Today, I had a meltdown. My defenses were down and I hadn't even noticed it. I wish I had, because I really am ashamed of what I did today. And not just because of my meltdown, but because I've also become fluent in straight-faced lying. It was lunch time and I hadn't brought my own lunch with me today, but I was hoping they would let me charge it on my account and I could bring money the next day. Unfortunately, due to a board policy that I actually did not know about at the time, charging wasn't allowed. (Just in case you don't know what I mean when I say "charging," I mean charging the amount owed on my account so that I could pay it at a later date.) I was at the back of the line and literally the second to last person in line, so when I got up to the register, I wanted to just go sit down and eat.
Unfortunately, that's now how it went. When I put my lunch number in, the lunch lady told me that I didn't have any money in my account, which I already knew, but I lied and said that I didn't know or forgot that I didn't have any money left, due to me bringing my lunch for a few days prior to today based on personal reasons. The lunch lady was apologetic, but told me I had to give my tray back. I was upset and still pissed because of something that had happened earlier in the day, less than half an hour before lunch in fact. As I turned and walked back through the line area, I muttered "bitch" under my breath, which is one of the things I'm extremely ashamed about. It wasn't the lunch lady's fault and even though I didn't know about the school board policy yet, I still shouldn't have taken that out on her, whether she knew I was or not.
So I gave my lunch tray back and felt like crying while also wanting to vent my anger by hitting something. On my way out the doorway of the line, I slammed the book I had been carrying with me into the doorway to vent some of my frustration and anger in a controlled manner, and as I did that the lunch lady called me over and explained the board policy to me. She offered me an alternative lunch, which I knew wouldn't really be lunch, just something to eat, so I refused. Before I left though, the very last person that had been in the line recognized me and gave me two dollars to pay for my lunch.
I tried to refuse, but it was a half-hearted refusal at best. The next point at which I'm ashamed is that he remembered my name, but I, for the life of me, could not remember his. I recognized him, but I did not remember who he was. I really wanted to give him a hug for his act of kindness, but I didn't want to freak him out. So I took the money and got my lunch back, paid for it, and ate it happily.
I hate how much of a liar I am though. It's effortless sometimes and that actually freaks me out. I know when I'm lying too, I don't delude myself into thinking that it's the truth. It should not be this easy to lie. Ever. So yup, that's my post for today, even though there is a lot more I could talk about.
Monday, March 14, 2016
High School is Immature
Okay, to start off, I broke up with my girlfriend. Through events I will detail in future posts and reasons that I figured out on my own, I stopped having feelings for her. They just went away. It was after some serious shit happened. So yeah, Hannah is now my ex-girlfriend and honestly, I'm glad. She was flipping crazy. Not just because she had depression or anxiety, I mean she was actually insane, in an immature way. I should have listened to my friend Maia's advice and never gotten involved with her.
But, that's not the point to this post. "What is?" You might ask. Well, I don't know. I need to get thoughts organized in my head; while I don't like intense order and discipline, like that of the military, I do need some of it to get things done.
I suppose I should vent on the fact that I'm many assignments behind in two classes and it feels like I can't catch up. Which might be why I'm playing video games and not getting the assignments done. Similar to last year, when I got behind on assignments, it became hard to catch up and keep up with the new ones, so I just gave up. That's a terrible habit, to give up when the going gets rough. It's something I need to stop doing. And before anyone mentions it, no, that is not what happened with Hannah. My feelings for her actually did leave.
Anyways, back onto the topic, which is actually school. I'm failing two of my classes because of those assignments that I am behind on. I need to get them done, but I just keep getting sucked into the world of video games. Especially games like Dragon Age: Inquisition. Of course, I am very self-aware and consciously made the decision to play the game in the first place, knowing I would lose hours of my time because I started playing it. I could have easily refused to play and just gone upstairs and done my homework. But I didn't. I chose the easy way out, which was to ignore the issue and play video games.
I really need to keep up with things better. For example, I need to get supplies for another art project that we're going to be started very soon, but I don't have any of the materials yet. I also don't have assignments done that I need done for my financial literacy class, which, by the way, has a higher workload than my AP World History class last year had. I also need to talk to a teacher about classes for next year and need to update this blog more.
So, overall, I have things to work on, but getting into the habit of doing homework and updating my blog frequently is my first step. I'm sorry I've been so inactive, but I'm definitely going to do it more. Got spring break coming up next week, so when it hits, I'm going to finish all the past updates that I've missed out on if I haven't already got them done by then. Oh, and shout out to my most dedicated reader RickyPine (that's his name on Wattpad, go look him up, he's awesome) for always reading my posts :)
But, that's not the point to this post. "What is?" You might ask. Well, I don't know. I need to get thoughts organized in my head; while I don't like intense order and discipline, like that of the military, I do need some of it to get things done.
I suppose I should vent on the fact that I'm many assignments behind in two classes and it feels like I can't catch up. Which might be why I'm playing video games and not getting the assignments done. Similar to last year, when I got behind on assignments, it became hard to catch up and keep up with the new ones, so I just gave up. That's a terrible habit, to give up when the going gets rough. It's something I need to stop doing. And before anyone mentions it, no, that is not what happened with Hannah. My feelings for her actually did leave.
Anyways, back onto the topic, which is actually school. I'm failing two of my classes because of those assignments that I am behind on. I need to get them done, but I just keep getting sucked into the world of video games. Especially games like Dragon Age: Inquisition. Of course, I am very self-aware and consciously made the decision to play the game in the first place, knowing I would lose hours of my time because I started playing it. I could have easily refused to play and just gone upstairs and done my homework. But I didn't. I chose the easy way out, which was to ignore the issue and play video games.
I really need to keep up with things better. For example, I need to get supplies for another art project that we're going to be started very soon, but I don't have any of the materials yet. I also don't have assignments done that I need done for my financial literacy class, which, by the way, has a higher workload than my AP World History class last year had. I also need to talk to a teacher about classes for next year and need to update this blog more.
So, overall, I have things to work on, but getting into the habit of doing homework and updating my blog frequently is my first step. I'm sorry I've been so inactive, but I'm definitely going to do it more. Got spring break coming up next week, so when it hits, I'm going to finish all the past updates that I've missed out on if I haven't already got them done by then. Oh, and shout out to my most dedicated reader RickyPine (that's his name on Wattpad, go look him up, he's awesome) for always reading my posts :)
This is an unfinished building near Central Florida by I-4. (I think that stands for Interstate 4?) It's been unfinished for probably close to a decade. That's my procrastination level.
Sunday, February 21, 2016
A Sacred Place
Here's something. This place is my secret retreat. My meditation room. My sacred place of peace. And you know, there are things in my head that I want to enter into this place, but I'm scared to. Because they are things from the monster inside me. We all have that monster, you know? For some, like me, it lies close to the surface, just behind the veil. If you look hard enough, you'll see it. No one has yet to.
What am I supposed to think about myself when I have thoughts like "Go kill yourself." and "I hate you." and "Leave me the fuck alone." rolling through my brain? I barely keep them contained. Of course, I also only ever say what people want and expect me to say, so it's not like I have to actually worry about saying the cruel, the evil, the nasty things that pop into my head.
There's a side of me that wants to just curl up and die, let the monster take over. Another that wants to break off all contact with all friends, live the life of a pure recluse and just be alone. Yet another piece of my soul doesn't want to do any of these things. It wants to be happy and socialize with others, to get out in the world... I'm still up at 1:24 AM typing this up, because I don't want to go to sleep, I don't want to go to school tomorrow, I don't want to deal with my depressed girlfriend, or my friends and school, or my own life. I want to sit here, play video games, sink into their world and not have to deal with the shit that is going on right now.
But I can't. No one will let me and I wouldn't even let myself. I kind of want to cry, but I cried way too much Saturday night, and i really don't want ot have to deal with that again. Honestly, I"m tired of crying and just want my walls to come back up. I want my heart to be stone cold and don't want to love or feel or be conscious or anything.
I'm not talking about suicide either, I don't want to not feel that kind of anything. I just don't want to feel my emotions right now. I want to close my eyes and lose myself in the world of my mind. In fact when I'm closing my eyes right now, it feels like I'm floating away and spinning. It feels so disconnected from the world. My hands feel like the size of boulders, but at the same time it feels like they are hundreds of feet away from me. I feel like a giant and a mouse at the same time. It's a glorious feeling that i don't get to feel often. I can't force the feeling, ever, it just comes and goes whenever it wants to.
You, being the readers, probably think I'm high or something, but I have actually never done drugs before. I did take my first shot of whiskey last night, or the night before I guess I should say at this point. I wonder if having drugs in my system, like weed, would improve this disconnected feeling that I'm getting right now? Probably, but I still have no interest in smoking it.
Oh well, I'm done for the night. This was just a general vent night. Time to go cry over the 0 on the art project I'm gonna get tomorrow, and my shitty grades in all my other classes except for the hardest class I have, which is the class I have the highest grade in. Also, fun fact, the two paragraphs before this one I typed with my eyes close, with very minimal error fixes, mostly just capitalization. But this one I fucked up a lot, even though my eyes were open. I type better with my eyes closed.
What am I supposed to think about myself when I have thoughts like "Go kill yourself." and "I hate you." and "Leave me the fuck alone." rolling through my brain? I barely keep them contained. Of course, I also only ever say what people want and expect me to say, so it's not like I have to actually worry about saying the cruel, the evil, the nasty things that pop into my head.
There's a side of me that wants to just curl up and die, let the monster take over. Another that wants to break off all contact with all friends, live the life of a pure recluse and just be alone. Yet another piece of my soul doesn't want to do any of these things. It wants to be happy and socialize with others, to get out in the world... I'm still up at 1:24 AM typing this up, because I don't want to go to sleep, I don't want to go to school tomorrow, I don't want to deal with my depressed girlfriend, or my friends and school, or my own life. I want to sit here, play video games, sink into their world and not have to deal with the shit that is going on right now.
But I can't. No one will let me and I wouldn't even let myself. I kind of want to cry, but I cried way too much Saturday night, and i really don't want ot have to deal with that again. Honestly, I"m tired of crying and just want my walls to come back up. I want my heart to be stone cold and don't want to love or feel or be conscious or anything.
I'm not talking about suicide either, I don't want to not feel that kind of anything. I just don't want to feel my emotions right now. I want to close my eyes and lose myself in the world of my mind. In fact when I'm closing my eyes right now, it feels like I'm floating away and spinning. It feels so disconnected from the world. My hands feel like the size of boulders, but at the same time it feels like they are hundreds of feet away from me. I feel like a giant and a mouse at the same time. It's a glorious feeling that i don't get to feel often. I can't force the feeling, ever, it just comes and goes whenever it wants to.
You, being the readers, probably think I'm high or something, but I have actually never done drugs before. I did take my first shot of whiskey last night, or the night before I guess I should say at this point. I wonder if having drugs in my system, like weed, would improve this disconnected feeling that I'm getting right now? Probably, but I still have no interest in smoking it.
Oh well, I'm done for the night. This was just a general vent night. Time to go cry over the 0 on the art project I'm gonna get tomorrow, and my shitty grades in all my other classes except for the hardest class I have, which is the class I have the highest grade in. Also, fun fact, the two paragraphs before this one I typed with my eyes close, with very minimal error fixes, mostly just capitalization. But this one I fucked up a lot, even though my eyes were open. I type better with my eyes closed.
Depression
You may think by the title "Oh, he must have depression," but that isn't it. My girlfriend has depression, is the thing. And last night, it almost killed her. We've been dating for approximately a month now and have really strong feelings for each other. We're in love, to put it simply. But this love has come with a price, so to say. Yesterday, we spent the whole day together, but we spent the last hour of it crying our eyes out because she told me she was going to kill herself that night. Eventually, I told her to take me home. On the way there, we had to stop twice because she couldn't see cause of the tears. Somewhere between the 1st and 2nd stop, my emotions shut down because I couldn't handle them anymore.
The second stop was caused by her feeling like she needed to puke, but not being able to and coughing so much her nose started bleeding. It was at that point that I called my mom to come get us and that I told her everything. Because she hadn't yet known that Hannah had depression or anxiety or any of that, but I knew my family could help her, so I told my mom, which certainly didn't make Hannah happy.
When we got to my house, we decided Hannah was staying the night. One, so she couldn't OD on her stash, which was her plan. Two, so that my mom and brother, who have both dealt with depression before could talk to her and find out what medications she was taking, all the technical details. Once my brother got off of work and got home, we all went to the kitchen and had a chat about it.
Afterwards, I had my mom take a look at Hannah's most recent cutting wounds and clean them. That really pissed Hannah off. She hit me, multiple times, at which point I almost retreated to my room because I will not put up with physical abuse. But she pulled me back and I stayed with the warning of her not to hit me again. She growled at me a lot. So when all is said and done, we just chilled out together for the rest of the night before falling asleep with each other.
Today, we spent more time together. It was fun, for the most part. Had a little excursion out onto the roof for a few minutes, spent some time trying to watch Daredevil, though the show isn't really to my taste. I like Arrow and The Flash better. Anyways, eventually her mom and dad stopped by to pick her and her car up. Honestly, I was feeling extremely overwhelmed with everything and was a little relieved to be separate from her. That was a little short lived though, because then she started messaging me on skype and then texting me. It's not that I don't enjoy talking with her, I do, but sometimes, I want some me time.
And here lies one of the biggest problems, because sometimes I do want me time, but if I tell her that, she's gonna get all sad and shit and I can't handle that. Being the reason she's sad. But the problem right now is that I have no idea how to handle her when she's in a depressed state and it's stressing me out more.
Another big issue is that I can't like tap into my feelings like normal people can, I'm almost always unsure of how I feel about her because those feelings simply rise up whenever they feel like it. I don't have much feeling behind saying "I love you." When I'm with her, I don't feel much more happy or sad. I don't know what my life is right now and I don't know if I need to find a way to escape this relationship or if I should stick it out. More often than not I'm just saying what people want to hear, not what I want to say. Most of the time, I don't really want to say anything.
The second stop was caused by her feeling like she needed to puke, but not being able to and coughing so much her nose started bleeding. It was at that point that I called my mom to come get us and that I told her everything. Because she hadn't yet known that Hannah had depression or anxiety or any of that, but I knew my family could help her, so I told my mom, which certainly didn't make Hannah happy.
When we got to my house, we decided Hannah was staying the night. One, so she couldn't OD on her stash, which was her plan. Two, so that my mom and brother, who have both dealt with depression before could talk to her and find out what medications she was taking, all the technical details. Once my brother got off of work and got home, we all went to the kitchen and had a chat about it.
Afterwards, I had my mom take a look at Hannah's most recent cutting wounds and clean them. That really pissed Hannah off. She hit me, multiple times, at which point I almost retreated to my room because I will not put up with physical abuse. But she pulled me back and I stayed with the warning of her not to hit me again. She growled at me a lot. So when all is said and done, we just chilled out together for the rest of the night before falling asleep with each other.
Today, we spent more time together. It was fun, for the most part. Had a little excursion out onto the roof for a few minutes, spent some time trying to watch Daredevil, though the show isn't really to my taste. I like Arrow and The Flash better. Anyways, eventually her mom and dad stopped by to pick her and her car up. Honestly, I was feeling extremely overwhelmed with everything and was a little relieved to be separate from her. That was a little short lived though, because then she started messaging me on skype and then texting me. It's not that I don't enjoy talking with her, I do, but sometimes, I want some me time.
And here lies one of the biggest problems, because sometimes I do want me time, but if I tell her that, she's gonna get all sad and shit and I can't handle that. Being the reason she's sad. But the problem right now is that I have no idea how to handle her when she's in a depressed state and it's stressing me out more.
Another big issue is that I can't like tap into my feelings like normal people can, I'm almost always unsure of how I feel about her because those feelings simply rise up whenever they feel like it. I don't have much feeling behind saying "I love you." When I'm with her, I don't feel much more happy or sad. I don't know what my life is right now and I don't know if I need to find a way to escape this relationship or if I should stick it out. More often than not I'm just saying what people want to hear, not what I want to say. Most of the time, I don't really want to say anything.
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Life Stuff
So, here's some life update for y'all. Things are going good between me and my girlfriend. I have really strong feelings for her. Like, "in love" feelings for her. Of course, we have our ups and downs, but really, things are good right now.
Last Friday, I went out to eat dinner with her family for her mother's birthday dinner. I got to meet her parents, general family, and her moms' side of the family. That was... an interesting dinner. It was fun, that was for sure. There was an uncle that everyone was warning me about and stuff and I didn't know what to expect when I met him. And let me tell you, there is no experience quite like talking to that dude. He's funny and cool as hell and will never say your name, he'll always use other peoples' names when addressing you! Seriously, that was a fun night. Then I got to have Hannah, my girlfriend, drive me home and we hung out at my house for a bit. That was also fun. She got to meet some of my family and all our cats and dogs XD She's been over a few times since, though I won't go into detail on any of it. I think the only member of my family that she hasn't directly met is my sister that goes to college. She hasn't been around any of the times my sister is able to make it down here.
Today has been a rough day for her, so right now, as I'm typing this, I'm trying my best to comfort her through text.
There's not much to say, really. So I guess I'll just leave it at this, for now. Peace y'all (Oh and she has this sexy as fuck southern accent.)
Last Friday, I went out to eat dinner with her family for her mother's birthday dinner. I got to meet her parents, general family, and her moms' side of the family. That was... an interesting dinner. It was fun, that was for sure. There was an uncle that everyone was warning me about and stuff and I didn't know what to expect when I met him. And let me tell you, there is no experience quite like talking to that dude. He's funny and cool as hell and will never say your name, he'll always use other peoples' names when addressing you! Seriously, that was a fun night. Then I got to have Hannah, my girlfriend, drive me home and we hung out at my house for a bit. That was also fun. She got to meet some of my family and all our cats and dogs XD She's been over a few times since, though I won't go into detail on any of it. I think the only member of my family that she hasn't directly met is my sister that goes to college. She hasn't been around any of the times my sister is able to make it down here.
Today has been a rough day for her, so right now, as I'm typing this, I'm trying my best to comfort her through text.
There's not much to say, really. So I guess I'll just leave it at this, for now. Peace y'all (Oh and she has this sexy as fuck southern accent.)
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Hidden Heart
Flippant words,
Sinking down,
A wounded heart,
Fallen foe.
Sometimes, I really, truly wonder if other people realize how thin-skinned I am. Flippant and offhand remarks can really hurt me, yet people still seem to make them. Maybe it's cause I'm so good at hiding that hurt.
A hidden heart,
Deep in the void,
Locked in chains.
She has the key,
Unknown to her,
Unbeknownst to Them.
A slow movement,
Turning around,
A click,
And the chains fall to the ground.
Sinking down,
A wounded heart,
Fallen foe.
Sometimes, I really, truly wonder if other people realize how thin-skinned I am. Flippant and offhand remarks can really hurt me, yet people still seem to make them. Maybe it's cause I'm so good at hiding that hurt.
A hidden heart,
Deep in the void,
Locked in chains.
She has the key,
Unknown to her,
Unbeknownst to Them.
A slow movement,
Turning around,
A click,
And the chains fall to the ground.
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Filling in Up to Today
Okay, so you want to know what happened with the girl in my 1st? Nothing. She crushed my crush for her and got back together with her ex, who she is still with to this day :p I'm glad she did though, because I met this amazing girl named Hannah a couple of weeks after school started back up who is actually now my girlfriend. Wanna know how I met Hannah? With a kiss. Yup, a kiss. She was complaining to her friend that her lip hurt and for her to kiss it better. Her friend refused to, so I raised my hand up and said "I'll kiss it better!" And she said okay and leaned over with a kissy face. I was actually stunned and asked her friend if she was serious. Her friend said yes, she was serious. So I leaned over and kissed her. Now mind you, it was just a peck, but still, this immediately did something to me, and boom, insta-crush.
Even though one of my friends warned me not to get invested in Hannah, I ignored her and got to know Hannah. Turns out she got back together with one of her exes the next day or so after our kiss, but I still wanted to be her friend at least, because she seemed like a cool girl. After really getting to know her and learning some serious stuff about her, I still wasn't dissuaded in my feelings for her, but got confused a few times about stuff happening, which is where my "Time to Become a Monk" post came from. Now after the event that inspired that, a similar one happened the next weekend, but this time I went through it the right way and she broke up with her ex to give me a chance. Over the next week, she wanted to do a trial run thing and we acted like any normal couple, although we weren't officially dating until the Thursday of last week. Today being 2/4/2016, Thursday. I don't really care about "1 week anniversary" bullcrap, though if we make it to a month, then I'll be more excited.
We've gone on one date so far (and boy, what memorable date that is (get your minds out of the gutter)) and that was plenty fun, saw Ride Along 2. I'll be honest, we spent at least half the movie run time kissing in the back corner. :p
Things were going pretty good, up until today. Today, I felt like being silly and doing little jokes, but it seems every time I made a little joke, she didn't get it or just straight up took it too seriously. Now, as it turns out, during lunch I tried to make a joking face and use a over the top offended tone as a joke when she called me lame, and I didn't find this out until after school when me and Hannah were fighting over my attitude today, that the tone came out a lot less joking than what was intended. So, I hurt Hannah with that, and I think I did some other things too that hurt her, though honest to fucking god I have no god shitting clue what those are, but apparently I "wasn't there for" her and shit, so I'm still, as is quite obvious, kind of peeved over that. I'm a blunt person people. You can't play around the problem and fucking expect me to get it. It doesn't fucking work like that in my brain. This turned PG-13 really quickly. Anyways, I apologized to her and stuff, so we'll see how things are tomorrow. I hope this has helped catch things up with everyone. (On a side note, I'm failing Art 1)
Peace y'all!
Even though one of my friends warned me not to get invested in Hannah, I ignored her and got to know Hannah. Turns out she got back together with one of her exes the next day or so after our kiss, but I still wanted to be her friend at least, because she seemed like a cool girl. After really getting to know her and learning some serious stuff about her, I still wasn't dissuaded in my feelings for her, but got confused a few times about stuff happening, which is where my "Time to Become a Monk" post came from. Now after the event that inspired that, a similar one happened the next weekend, but this time I went through it the right way and she broke up with her ex to give me a chance. Over the next week, she wanted to do a trial run thing and we acted like any normal couple, although we weren't officially dating until the Thursday of last week. Today being 2/4/2016, Thursday. I don't really care about "1 week anniversary" bullcrap, though if we make it to a month, then I'll be more excited.
We've gone on one date so far (and boy, what memorable date that is (get your minds out of the gutter)) and that was plenty fun, saw Ride Along 2. I'll be honest, we spent at least half the movie run time kissing in the back corner. :p
Things were going pretty good, up until today. Today, I felt like being silly and doing little jokes, but it seems every time I made a little joke, she didn't get it or just straight up took it too seriously. Now, as it turns out, during lunch I tried to make a joking face and use a over the top offended tone as a joke when she called me lame, and I didn't find this out until after school when me and Hannah were fighting over my attitude today, that the tone came out a lot less joking than what was intended. So, I hurt Hannah with that, and I think I did some other things too that hurt her, though honest to fucking god I have no god shitting clue what those are, but apparently I "wasn't there for" her and shit, so I'm still, as is quite obvious, kind of peeved over that. I'm a blunt person people. You can't play around the problem and fucking expect me to get it. It doesn't fucking work like that in my brain. This turned PG-13 really quickly. Anyways, I apologized to her and stuff, so we'll see how things are tomorrow. I hope this has helped catch things up with everyone. (On a side note, I'm failing Art 1)
Peace y'all!
Winter Break Story
So, I'm lazy as fuck. My friend on Wattpad (and one of my favorite authors too), RickyPine, wanted to hear the whole story about what happened in the TL;DR post, and I've been super lazy about it and hadn't even started writing on that yet, so I'm gonna do that now, since I don't feel like gaming and don't feel like doing homework.
At the start of the break, I had two events quickly coming up, and there was much trial and tribulation concerning those two events, because they were both on the same day. One of them started earlier than the other, but after a couple of hours, the time at which one is going on and the other starts and happens intersect. So my choices were 1. Go to one event, but not the other or 2. Try to go to both. After much discussing with friends and thinking things over, I, at first, decided on option 1, but after being guilt tripped for a while by the host of the other event, I eventually just told her I would go to her event, but in reality I went with option 2. Getting the ride to and from these events involved some begging and stuff, and although I felt really guilty for making people drive me around so much, (because the two events were so far apart from each other) I managed to get to the first event.
The first event was Emily's (my ex) birthday party. It was her sweet sixteen and actually her first party ever in all her years of living, so I really wanted to go and make it fun for her. It was a lot more fun and definitely more low key than I thought it would be, and I'm glad I went. But alas, I had to leave about two hours after arriving because of the other event. While I worked out my ride situation, because that wasn't set in stone and was constantly changing, we played scrabble. When my sister arrived to pick me up and take me to the other event, I said my goodbyes and half an hour later, I was late to the other event, but I was there.
This event was a secret Santa party. This was also fun and I'm glad I went to this too. Not a whole lot happened, other than the gift getting/receiving, with which I got a gift card and a bag of chocolates (which were tasty as fuck). We hung out for a few hours, and then my dad picked me up and that was that for the night.
Over the rest of the winter break, I spent time trying to talk with Emily, but she kept getting annoyed with me trying to talk and be friendly, so I eventually gave up and thought about it like this: "Screw these feelings, screw her, screw it all." and thus, was officially ready to move on from her. But just before school started back up, I had this strange ass dream that gave me the name, age, and gender of a person. The name I almost immediately forgot, because I'm terrible with those, but I remembered the age and gender. It also gave me a sort of vague and general description of them. Turns out the dream was prophetic, because the person it was about is in my 1st period, I find out the next day. But yeah, that's my Winter Break Story. I'll continue filling everyone in on the next post, which will be leading up to present time stuff.
Peace y'all.
At the start of the break, I had two events quickly coming up, and there was much trial and tribulation concerning those two events, because they were both on the same day. One of them started earlier than the other, but after a couple of hours, the time at which one is going on and the other starts and happens intersect. So my choices were 1. Go to one event, but not the other or 2. Try to go to both. After much discussing with friends and thinking things over, I, at first, decided on option 1, but after being guilt tripped for a while by the host of the other event, I eventually just told her I would go to her event, but in reality I went with option 2. Getting the ride to and from these events involved some begging and stuff, and although I felt really guilty for making people drive me around so much, (because the two events were so far apart from each other) I managed to get to the first event.
The first event was Emily's (my ex) birthday party. It was her sweet sixteen and actually her first party ever in all her years of living, so I really wanted to go and make it fun for her. It was a lot more fun and definitely more low key than I thought it would be, and I'm glad I went. But alas, I had to leave about two hours after arriving because of the other event. While I worked out my ride situation, because that wasn't set in stone and was constantly changing, we played scrabble. When my sister arrived to pick me up and take me to the other event, I said my goodbyes and half an hour later, I was late to the other event, but I was there.
This event was a secret Santa party. This was also fun and I'm glad I went to this too. Not a whole lot happened, other than the gift getting/receiving, with which I got a gift card and a bag of chocolates (which were tasty as fuck). We hung out for a few hours, and then my dad picked me up and that was that for the night.
Over the rest of the winter break, I spent time trying to talk with Emily, but she kept getting annoyed with me trying to talk and be friendly, so I eventually gave up and thought about it like this: "Screw these feelings, screw her, screw it all." and thus, was officially ready to move on from her. But just before school started back up, I had this strange ass dream that gave me the name, age, and gender of a person. The name I almost immediately forgot, because I'm terrible with those, but I remembered the age and gender. It also gave me a sort of vague and general description of them. Turns out the dream was prophetic, because the person it was about is in my 1st period, I find out the next day. But yeah, that's my Winter Break Story. I'll continue filling everyone in on the next post, which will be leading up to present time stuff.
Peace y'all.
Friday, January 22, 2016
Time to Become a Monk
I don't know why I even talk anymore. Anything I say just causes pain and suffering. People listen too much to what I say and I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I should just talk as little as possible now. That way, I won't hurt people, because I'll have said nothing for them to be hurt or caused pain by. I feel like I'm gonna cry, because I'm causing pain to someone I care about even as I type this. I have feelings for her and I both just want to be her friend and to be something more. Right now, I don't think it's healthy for her to be even around me though. I'm ruining her life with just a few words like "You're my friend." or "I care about you." I should just shut up and say as little as possible, because words are too powerful. Almost everyone says "Actions speak louder than words." Well, I think I've proven them wrong, not that I ever fucking wanted to. Fuck. That's all. Just... just fuck.
Monday, January 18, 2016
Routine
Okay, so school has been back up for two to three weeks now, and one of my biggest issues is that I haven't been following my routine. My routine is extremely important because it keeps me on track and not distracted by video games, girls, shows, etc. And it helps keep me calm and in functioning order.
So, this post I'm gonna do a TLDR;
Over the break, got over remnant feelings for ex. Fed up with this or that, yadayada. Have dream before school starts, sort of prophetic, sort of random shit. Gives me name, age, and gender of someone. First day of school, meet person that dream told me about, got feelings for her. She has complicated relationship with ex. Gets back together with ex. Feelings get crushed. Spends next two weeks floundering about. Finally realizes (today) that I need to get shit together. Starts to get shit together.
So that's the TLDR; Tell me in the comments if you want the full story in a post, and I will provide, but until that happens, this is what y'all get.
Of course, this blog also became part of my routine, and so it shall be again, cause honestly, having a place to vent is extremely helpful. No judgement or opinion can intrude on this eternal solace, cause no one comments. People may read, but no one comments, and that's fine. Honestly, that's fine with me.
I think that's all for tonight, comment if you want, or don't, whatever is fine. Night and Day y'all.
So, this post I'm gonna do a TLDR;
Over the break, got over remnant feelings for ex. Fed up with this or that, yadayada. Have dream before school starts, sort of prophetic, sort of random shit. Gives me name, age, and gender of someone. First day of school, meet person that dream told me about, got feelings for her. She has complicated relationship with ex. Gets back together with ex. Feelings get crushed. Spends next two weeks floundering about. Finally realizes (today) that I need to get shit together. Starts to get shit together.
So that's the TLDR; Tell me in the comments if you want the full story in a post, and I will provide, but until that happens, this is what y'all get.
Of course, this blog also became part of my routine, and so it shall be again, cause honestly, having a place to vent is extremely helpful. No judgement or opinion can intrude on this eternal solace, cause no one comments. People may read, but no one comments, and that's fine. Honestly, that's fine with me.
I think that's all for tonight, comment if you want, or don't, whatever is fine. Night and Day y'all.
Panicking
Burning in my chest,
Swiftly look left,
Look right,
Panicking and flight.
Do this and that,
Follow the pattern,
Exercise the routine,
Simmering in my chest.
Fold the clothes,
Take the dishes,
Listen to music,
Dull throb in my chest.
Breathe deeply,
Breathe evenly.
Chest returns to normal,
Everything is fine.
Everything is fine...
Is it?
Swiftly look left,
Look right,
Panicking and flight.
Do this and that,
Follow the pattern,
Exercise the routine,
Simmering in my chest.
Fold the clothes,
Take the dishes,
Listen to music,
Dull throb in my chest.
Breathe deeply,
Breathe evenly.
Chest returns to normal,
Everything is fine.
Everything is fine...
Is it?
Thursday, January 7, 2016
In Pieces
A feeling deep inside,
Something lost and scared,
Crushed too many times,
It shivers in fear,
Of another time.
It hides in my heart,
Beneath the shards,
Through the shreds,
Stuck with shrapnel.
Can someone repair it?
Bring it back,
Help me to feel again,
To love again?
I feel so apathetic at times now. I worry about whether or not I am actually going to like someone else again, after Emily. Even now, after I'm moving past Emily, I still always notice her if she is entering or in a room. I wish I didn't. I wish i could just ignore her. She broke my heart, and I don't know if someone else will be able to repair it or not. "You're still young. You'll find someone else. There is someone out there for you." I hear this from people so often, but the thing is, I'm different from most people. I'm not a neurotypical, things don't work for me the same way they work for others, so how can you expect love to be the same too? Now, most people don't actually know that I'm an Aspie, it's not something I tell everyone. But still, what am I to do? I can't figure out my feelings worth a damn, other than anger and sadness. The best I've ever done with them is bottle them up, and the cork only comes out when it can't deal with the pressure any more. But after some of it is released, it just goes right back on, until it builds up again to an unbearable point again. It's a never ending cycle for me. I write this blog so people will understand what I go through somewhat better, but also so people might help me. I'm still a kid in some aspects, I still have growing up to do. In other aspects, I'm quite mature, more so than some of my generation. But all in all, I really am still a scared kid waiting for some help.
Something lost and scared,
Crushed too many times,
It shivers in fear,
Of another time.
It hides in my heart,
Beneath the shards,
Through the shreds,
Stuck with shrapnel.
Can someone repair it?
Bring it back,
Help me to feel again,
To love again?
I feel so apathetic at times now. I worry about whether or not I am actually going to like someone else again, after Emily. Even now, after I'm moving past Emily, I still always notice her if she is entering or in a room. I wish I didn't. I wish i could just ignore her. She broke my heart, and I don't know if someone else will be able to repair it or not. "You're still young. You'll find someone else. There is someone out there for you." I hear this from people so often, but the thing is, I'm different from most people. I'm not a neurotypical, things don't work for me the same way they work for others, so how can you expect love to be the same too? Now, most people don't actually know that I'm an Aspie, it's not something I tell everyone. But still, what am I to do? I can't figure out my feelings worth a damn, other than anger and sadness. The best I've ever done with them is bottle them up, and the cork only comes out when it can't deal with the pressure any more. But after some of it is released, it just goes right back on, until it builds up again to an unbearable point again. It's a never ending cycle for me. I write this blog so people will understand what I go through somewhat better, but also so people might help me. I'm still a kid in some aspects, I still have growing up to do. In other aspects, I'm quite mature, more so than some of my generation. But all in all, I really am still a scared kid waiting for some help.
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