So, I'm gonna discuss the past two days and something that I'm currently experiencing... Again.
The subject is feelings. Feelings are strange, irrational, they leave you speechless and tongue-tied. Sad or angry. Happy, excited, full of boundless energy! And especially when those feelings are directed towards a person, but we'll get more on that later.
I'm constantly observing this one group of friends at school. I see many of them multiple times throughout the day, although they've never noticed me either looking at them or if they have, they never commented or confronted. It also seems that they haven't noticed that I pass by them every day at some point. I had been observing one serious (seeming) relationship among them for most of the year, except those two broke up a little while ago, couple months I think.
One of those two immediately started seeing someone else among the group and the other one, he didn't seem too distraught, but neither did he immediately move onto someone else. It astounded me how he could be so casual about it. He didn't seem upset or hurt. It might have been a mutual breakup, of course. But more towards yesterday and today.
Yesterday I had decided to wear my jacket to school, no idea why. Either out of habit or just a whim on the wind. (Oh, that's a good line, I'm gonna remember that!) No matter what made me wear it, it came in handy later that day. It was getting hot that day and I decided to take my jacket off, but I don't like to leave anything I own behind, so along with my phone and headphones, I took my jacket with me. Carried it in the crook between my arm and my shirt, while having my hands in my pockets.
Then my first ex, Emily, ran up next to me. We started talking and chatting, some nonsensical stuff, other topics more important. It varied. Anyways, she gets cold really easily, so after offering my body warmth for a moment or two, (Cause who wouldn't want a hot and beautiful girl cuddled up to them?), I gave her my big and warm jacket to where. Shortly after this I departed for the library and told her that's where she would find me if she needed me.
So, a few minutes later I'm sitting in the library in one of the two comfy chairs, reading a newly checked out book... At least that's what I kept telling myself, even though I was looking up at the doors every few minutes or when I heard it open. In reality, I was waiting for Emily or hoping for her, I should say. I couldn't focus on the book, I kept thinking about Emily! She did show up towards the end of lunch.
She sort of looked into the library shyly, seeing if she could spot me. When she did, she came over and sat on the arm of the chair. She was wearing my jacket which, strangely, pleased me. We talked and chatted again, this time with someone else joining in on the conversation too. At some point she slid onto my LAP and I was both unsure of what to do and also happy with this. Even when the bell rang, I didn't comment cause I didn't wanna move or have to get up. Eventually I did though when the librarian roused us from the conversation by yelling that that had been the bell.
Emily walked with me back to my class, even though she didn't really need to. Outside it, we hugged and after she crushed my side, I returned the favor with my signature bear hug that usually leaves her holding her boobs and giving me a 'Why?!' look, cause she jokes about that hug popping her boobs XD
Onto the next day, switching back to the people who I observe. The girl who had immediately started dating someone else, she was dating another new one, the old dude nowhere in sight, so maybe not quite a mutual breakup this time? Anyways, the guy from the original relationship with the girl, he was dating one of the other friends now, which I honestly wasn't surprised about, it seemed quite likely to happen. I don't know any of their names though, otherwise keeping them sorted would be so much easier.
On a side note of today: I woke up with a head-splitting headache that I had had just before I went to sleep last night. It affected me up until about lunch time, but basically left me disabled and unable to focus on anything for the first two periods.
Fast forwarding to when the lunch bell rings, I purposely walk slowly out of my classroom because I want Emily to run up to me again. Not even lying to myself at this point. Unfortunately, this does not happen and I get to the lunch table I share with two friends, Maia (my first real crush at this school, but also one of my closest friends (I swear to god any of you who know me at this school you better not ever mention this in real life >:|)) and Melissa, a friend of Maia, mostly acquaintance to me.
After somewhere between five to ten minutes of me mostly just sitting there, I announce that I'm going to the library, where I actually try to concentrate on reading this time to try to get Emily out of my head. Of course, my reason for going there in the first place was to wait for her, so there's that...
I succeed in concentrating on the reading for a while, with an occasional relapse in thinking of Emily here and there. That is, until she herself appears and sits on the arm of the chair again, this time near my head, as I was laying across it. She is again wearing my jacket, which still pleases me. We joke around for a bit, but I can't stop staring at her and keep getting romantic thoughts in my head that I can't say out loud.
She actually leaves me tongue-tied sometimes. Literally all I could do was stare at her. She kept asking why I was staring and she was getting more embarrassed and it just made me stare more. I wanted to pull her down into my arms and hold her, but I couldn't do that either. I literally was left speechless and motionless. No way to abstractly describe it.
So, the main topic being feelings, I am developing feelings for her again, as bad an idea as that is. But feelings are irrational and be like "YOU'RE GONNA LIKE THIS PERSON AND YOU'RE GONNA JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT!" I think that's the best way to describe them.
So yeah, that would be the days' events for me. I'm left in the awkward position of wanting to ask her out again, this time to Prom and wanting to just keep things the way they are now, awkward-less and fun.
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