Fear Equals Jealousy (At Least For Me)

This is a very real and very common feeling that we all experience at times. For some, it might be a more common occurrence while for others it might be their first time experiencing it. But the differences come from where the root of the jealousy is. Is it from anger? Betrayal? Fear? It's hard to say.

For me, it comes from fear. I fear a lot of things, some more and less than others. My biggest fears, I think that they arose after Emily. I think I made posts about that when I first started this blog, though really it's a personal (not so personal) online journal for me. Anyways, way back when I dated Emily and she broke up with me and almost immediately started dating someone else, I think that's where these fears started.

The fears being that I'm scared of losing who I am interested in to someone else. That they'll realize they don't like me that way, or that they don't like me that way anymore if they did in the first place. That they'll leave me for someone else, someone more good-looking, funnier, someone they connect with more. Someone better than me. Even thinking about these fears starts making me feel like crap. Like I'm worthless and not good enough. Inferior.

Raven and her family went up to a town farther up the state this weekend, I wasn't able to go with, so that sucked. Although because I wasn't able to go with, I was able to go to a couple of parties. And no, not teenage wild parties, just small bonfire parties, they were chill. So there were some positives.

But Raven met a couple guys up there, made friends with them, which is good for her, but when I found that out, my fear (and therefore jealousy) rose up. Now instead of just bottling these feelings up to deal with them at a later point, I closed my eyes and tried my best to sift through them and figure out what was wrong. Which is how I got to my fears.

Knowing what is wrong helps a lot, but they're still there and I don't know what to do. Do I accept them or reject them? Do I ignore them? I don't know what to do with them at all. I don't like feeling this way, I want to be able to not worry about this stuff. And these aren't from a lack of trust, either, I trust Raven. They're from my own feelings, of course. From my past experiences.