Depression

You may think by the title "Oh, he must have depression," but that isn't it. My girlfriend has depression, is the thing. And last night, it almost killed her. We've been dating for approximately a month now and have really strong feelings for each other. We're in love, to put it simply. But this love has come with a price, so to say. Yesterday, we spent the whole day together, but we spent the last hour of it crying our eyes out because she told me she was going to kill herself that night. Eventually, I told her to take me home. On the way there, we had to stop twice because she couldn't see cause of the tears. Somewhere between the 1st and 2nd stop, my emotions shut down because I couldn't handle them anymore.

The second stop was caused by her feeling like she needed to puke, but not being able to and coughing so much her nose started bleeding. It was at that point that I called my mom to come get us and that I told her everything. Because she hadn't yet known that Hannah had depression or anxiety or any of that, but I knew my family could help her, so I told my mom, which certainly didn't make Hannah happy.

When we got to my house, we decided Hannah was staying the night. One, so she couldn't OD on her stash, which was her plan. Two, so that my mom and brother, who have both dealt with depression before could talk to her and find out what medications she was taking, all the technical details. Once my brother got off of work and got home, we all went to the kitchen and had a chat about it.

Afterwards, I had my mom take a look at Hannah's most recent cutting wounds and clean them. That really pissed Hannah off. She hit me, multiple times, at which point I almost retreated to my room because I will not put up with physical abuse. But she pulled me back and I stayed with the warning of her not to hit me again. She growled at me a lot. So when all is said and done, we just chilled out together for the rest of the night before falling asleep with each other.

Today, we spent more time together. It was fun, for the most part. Had a little excursion out onto the roof for a few minutes, spent some time trying to watch Daredevil, though the show isn't really to my taste. I like Arrow and The Flash better. Anyways, eventually her mom and dad stopped by to pick her and her car up. Honestly, I was feeling extremely overwhelmed with everything and was a little relieved to be separate from her. That was a little short lived though, because then she started messaging me on skype and then texting me. It's not that I don't enjoy talking with her, I do, but sometimes, I want some me time.

And here lies one of the biggest problems, because sometimes I do want me time, but if I tell her that, she's gonna get all sad and shit and I can't handle that. Being the reason she's sad. But the problem right now is that I have no idea how to handle her when she's in a depressed state and it's stressing me out more.

Another big issue is that I can't like tap into my feelings like normal people can, I'm almost always unsure of how I feel about her because those feelings simply rise up whenever they feel like it. I don't have much feeling behind saying "I love you." When I'm with her, I don't feel much more happy or sad. I don't know what my life is right now and I don't know if I need to find a way to escape this relationship or if I should stick it out. More often than not I'm just saying what people want to hear, not what I want to say. Most of the time, I don't really want to say anything.