Ashamed

So, it's probably well known that people with Asperger's Syndrome have meltdowns sometimes. Our emotions can easily get the better of us and we can throw fits, whether they be crying or angry yelling/hitting or we might just shut down entirely. The way I've always seen shutdowns is me being a turtle who needs to hide in the safety of his shell.

Today, I had a meltdown. My defenses were down and I hadn't even noticed it. I wish I had, because I really am ashamed of what I did today. And not just because of my meltdown, but because I've also become fluent in straight-faced lying. It was lunch time and I hadn't brought my own lunch with me today, but I was hoping they would let me charge it on my account and I could bring money the next day. Unfortunately, due to a board policy that I actually did not know about at the time, charging wasn't allowed. (Just in case you don't know what I mean when I say "charging," I mean charging the amount owed on my account so that I could pay it at a later date.) I was at the back of the line and literally the second to last person in line, so when I got up to the register, I wanted to just go sit down and eat.

Unfortunately, that's now how it went. When I put my lunch number in, the lunch lady told me that I didn't have any money in my account, which I already knew, but I lied and said that I didn't know or forgot that I didn't have any money left, due to me bringing my lunch for a few days prior to today based on personal reasons. The lunch lady was apologetic, but told me I had to give my tray back. I was upset and still pissed because of something that had happened earlier in the day, less than half an hour before lunch in fact. As I turned and walked back through the line area, I muttered "bitch" under my breath, which is one of the things I'm extremely ashamed about. It wasn't the lunch lady's fault and even though I didn't know about the school board policy yet, I still shouldn't have taken that out on her, whether she knew I was or not.

So I gave my lunch tray back and felt like crying while also wanting to vent my anger by hitting something. On my way out the doorway of the line, I slammed the book I had been carrying with me into the doorway to vent some of my frustration and anger in a controlled manner, and as I did that the lunch lady called me over and explained the board policy to me. She offered me an alternative lunch, which I knew wouldn't really be lunch, just something to eat, so I refused. Before I left though, the very last person that had been in the line recognized me and gave me two dollars to pay for my lunch.

I tried to refuse, but it was a half-hearted refusal at best. The next point at which I'm ashamed is that he remembered my name, but I, for the life of me, could not remember his. I recognized him, but I did not remember who he was. I really wanted to give him a hug for his act of kindness, but I didn't want to freak him out. So I took the money and got my lunch back, paid for it, and ate it happily.

I hate how much of a liar I am though. It's effortless sometimes and that actually freaks me out. I know when I'm lying too, I don't delude myself into thinking that it's the truth. It should not be this easy to lie. Ever. So yup, that's my post for today, even though there is a lot more I could talk about.