Fear of Being Replaced

Okay, it's been a while. Prom has come and gone, it was fun. I made two new friends. David and Raven, they're siblings. I made a terrible joke on accident concerning them because I didn't have all the information that I needed. But they didn't hold it against me thankfully and I actually got to know them. I'm really enjoying the time I get to talk with them and interact, especially with Raven.

I just smile like a goof when I'm with her, she's fun and interesting, even though she's sort of quiet and introverted like me. I may like her, I may not, it's not something I'm particularly inclined to think about right now, because honestly, I'm still dealing with the after effects of my relationship with Hannah.

I didn't realize it until recently, but she left a sort of psychological/emotional mark on me due to the manipulation that I went through with her and it's just left me feeling like I don't want another relationship for a while. On top of that, I don't want to rush into something again, I want to develop a friendship and get to know the next person I end up with. Whether that person will be Raven has yet to be seen, but for now, I just want a friend.

Though a new fear has popped up and that is my fear of being replaced. I'm scared that she's gonna replace me with someone she shares deeper and more common interests with. Just thinking about it makes me lose motivation and it feels like I need to cry. Because I can honestly and easily imagine it happening.

Yesterday during lunch, we were chilling near the entrance to the library cause there were teachers having a meeting or something by the spot we usually were in, and just talking and chatting about things. One of her other friends comes in and joins in on our conversation, though I can't contribute as much because it's about manga and I don't read much manga, but I still can add something to it.

Then my ex and friend Emily comes in and joins the conversation, and that's the point at which I'm basically ignored and can't add much of anything to the conversation. So I just sit where I had been sitting and watch them get excited and happy and become friends and that's when my fear started.

Because Emily has so much more in common with her and I know firsthand how easy it is to be sucked into her. So now I'm scared that I'm gonna be replaced and that the 1 on 1 time I had talking with her during lunch is going to be lost because Emily is now going to start appearing to talk too. And I can't voice any of these worries to her because 1.) I don't know how to even start and 2.) I'm scared that I'm gonna freak Raven out or something and she won't talk to me anymore.