Self-Harm

When you think of self-harm, you probably think of cutting oneself with a blade or something like that. Or maybe breaking your own bones. Hitting yourself. Well, there are more ways to harm yourself than just cutting, and more ways than the physical.

There's self-harm in the form of mental torture. Going over the worst of the worst possibilities in your mind, the most harmful to your emotions, your self-esteem, your state of mind. That's something I do fairly often and there's very little I can do to prevent it. A line from from the song Can You Feel My Heart by Bring Me The Horizon is very akin to this. It's "I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim"

No matter how hard I try to stop it, they'll always come rushing back up at me until I mentally give up and let it happen. Sometimes I'll even welcome it, because it'll be a way to express the feelings I have to bottle up.

It gets the worst when I have someone I like. Because then I'll torture myself over the smallest things. I wanted to go to the mall today, to go to Hot Topic, with my love interest, but she couldn't go. So the torture for this particular event was that she lied and went on her own, and I found out because she let it slip while we were hanging out in the library. Then I run out, jumping and knocking over computers to get to the door as fast as possible while she calls out and chases me. I get out and just sprint down halls until I get to the Freshman hall. I go into the bathroom and collapse in a relatively clean corner and just freeze, trying to hold in the tears. A school administrator finds me and wants to take me back to class, but I refuse to go because there's a group of people in there who would gladly tear me to shreds if I gave them the right ammunition. Time skips to 4th where I share a class with my love interest. Here, I just sit in my chair, headphones in and volume maxed. It's myself trying to ignore her as she's in tears next to me trying to explain.

That's just one example of my many ways that I can mentally torture myself, or maybe just one instance of what went through my mind while I lay in bed and try not to cry. Similar to right now.

I haven't updated my blog in a while, and the original creation of this was to have a place that I could vent when I needed to, so that's what I'm doing now. Venting. At the very least, it's keeping me from more mental torture since I need to focus on the screen to type. Or was, at least, since I'm done with this post.