Here's something. This place is my secret retreat. My meditation room. My sacred place of peace. And you know, there are things in my head that I want to enter into this place, but I'm scared to. Because they are things from the monster inside me. We all have that monster, you know? For some, like me, it lies close to the surface, just behind the veil. If you look hard enough, you'll see it. No one has yet to.
What am I supposed to think about myself when I have thoughts like "Go kill yourself." and "I hate you." and "Leave me the fuck alone." rolling through my brain? I barely keep them contained. Of course, I also only ever say what people want and expect me to say, so it's not like I have to actually worry about saying the cruel, the evil, the nasty things that pop into my head.
There's a side of me that wants to just curl up and die, let the monster take over. Another that wants to break off all contact with all friends, live the life of a pure recluse and just be alone. Yet another piece of my soul doesn't want to do any of these things. It wants to be happy and socialize with others, to get out in the world... I'm still up at 1:24 AM typing this up, because I don't want to go to sleep, I don't want to go to school tomorrow, I don't want to deal with my depressed girlfriend, or my friends and school, or my own life. I want to sit here, play video games, sink into their world and not have to deal with the shit that is going on right now.
But I can't. No one will let me and I wouldn't even let myself. I kind of want to cry, but I cried way too much Saturday night, and i really don't want ot have to deal with that again. Honestly, I"m tired of crying and just want my walls to come back up. I want my heart to be stone cold and don't want to love or feel or be conscious or anything.
I'm not talking about suicide either, I don't want to not feel that kind of anything. I just don't want to feel my emotions right now. I want to close my eyes and lose myself in the world of my mind. In fact when I'm closing my eyes right now, it feels like I'm floating away and spinning. It feels so disconnected from the world. My hands feel like the size of boulders, but at the same time it feels like they are hundreds of feet away from me. I feel like a giant and a mouse at the same time. It's a glorious feeling that i don't get to feel often. I can't force the feeling, ever, it just comes and goes whenever it wants to.
You, being the readers, probably think I'm high or something, but I have actually never done drugs before. I did take my first shot of whiskey last night, or the night before I guess I should say at this point. I wonder if having drugs in my system, like weed, would improve this disconnected feeling that I'm getting right now? Probably, but I still have no interest in smoking it.
Oh well, I'm done for the night. This was just a general vent night. Time to go cry over the 0 on the art project I'm gonna get tomorrow, and my shitty grades in all my other classes except for the hardest class I have, which is the class I have the highest grade in. Also, fun fact, the two paragraphs before this one I typed with my eyes close, with very minimal error fixes, mostly just capitalization. But this one I fucked up a lot, even though my eyes were open. I type better with my eyes closed.
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