Just drifting on this sea,
This sea of flames, of destruction, of anger, of hate...
This sea of life, of love, of happiness, of creation...
Are we still friends?
Or are we strangers?
Do you still know me?
Or have you forgotten it all?
We're drifting apart,
Nothing to be done about it.
You can't stop it, I can't stop it.
You say it's inevitable, but what if you try?
What if I try?
Try to save it,
Save us,
Save our friendship!
Or just give up,
Accept it,
Face the facts,
It's the end.
Is it?
My friend feels we have been drifting apart. I didn't even notice. I'm normally kind of distant from my friends, whether that's just me or if I'm sub-consciously trying to avoid something or what, I don't know. I've worked hard, very, very hard, to get friends, to stop being all alone, which is probably why I don't like letting go of anyone I consider a friend, sometimes even if they aren't really my friend and just use me or get a laugh out of making me mad. This friend isn't like that, not really. He's someone I would trust my life with and I simply don't want to lose him as a friend, because in this world, the bad people outnumber the good people, as sad a fact as that is, but when you find the good people, you don't want to let them go, even if you yourself are one of those bad people.
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
I Just Want To Cry
I'm tired of being alone...
Isolated up in my room,
No one to talk to,
No one to hear me.
I just want to cry,
To break down,
Sob and crumble,
To destroy my carefully built wall.
Let my persona go,
Let people see the real me,
Just let it end,
And let me not be abandoned.
Isolated up in my room,
No one to talk to,
No one to hear me.
I just want to cry,
To break down,
Sob and crumble,
To destroy my carefully built wall.
Let my persona go,
Let people see the real me,
Just let it end,
And let me not be abandoned.
Monday, November 23, 2015
Past, Present, and Future
If one loses sight of the now by staring into the past, then they won't be able to see their future.
It's a simple fact that humans have to move forward to survive. We can't dwell on our past in a negative way if we want to improve ourselves and look at our future. We can study our past to find out what we did wrong, so that we may improve ourselves and avoid our past mistakes. But if we continue to obsess over our past, and especially in a negative manner, then we'll just crumble.
I talk about this because for awhile, I was having trouble getting over my ex, and I was doing my best to not dwell on the past because I knew that it would just unravel me if I did so. So I did what I needed to, which was to move past it and look at my future, and Time as my companion in this endeavor, as always.
But what I didn't see in my future, because I didn't believe it could happen to me, was a girl liking me. It's happened once or twice before, but it's so rare that I simply don't expect it, and even believe that it won't happen, but it does, and it has. The girl who likes me is the one I've referred to as 'the girl' in most cases. She's liked me for a while now, and at some point, I started seeing her as more than a friend and started liking her back. A few days ago, I couldn't see her because she had to clean her room and some other stuff, (I had thought this was some bs excuse, but apparently she actually did need to clean her room!) and for the next two days I was really lonely because I couldn't see her, well really I was too scared to go down and see her for fear of being told to go away.
It was quite a miserable time for me, but you know what it helped me realize? It helped me realize how much I liked her and how much I depended on being able to hang out and talk with her to keep from being lonely. The only time I wasn't completely bored and miserable was when I was hanging out with my mom watching TV and reading.
But today, or yesterday, for me at least, as it is 1:15 AM when I am typing this, I went over to the girl's house and knocked on the door, and lo and behold, the girl answers the door. We sit down to talk in her living room and I tell her my feelings for her and she seems pleased that I return her feelings. A lot of the stuff we talked about I can't discuss on here without her permission as it was very private stuff, and even with her permission I wouldn't put it on here, but we did just sit and cuddle for literally hours and I got her on Facebook so that we can talk while not being in the same room and so it is easier to arrange when we can go over to each others houses. We were talking on Facebook later, more private stuff, but one thing we did decide is that we're dating now, so yay!
The overall point of this post, other than to update you on my life so far, is to say this: No matter what happens, Time is your eternal companion and it will guide you through the good and bad, so don't dwell on the past, do not be blind to to present, and do look towards your future.
That's all for now y'all, Alex out!
It's a simple fact that humans have to move forward to survive. We can't dwell on our past in a negative way if we want to improve ourselves and look at our future. We can study our past to find out what we did wrong, so that we may improve ourselves and avoid our past mistakes. But if we continue to obsess over our past, and especially in a negative manner, then we'll just crumble.
I talk about this because for awhile, I was having trouble getting over my ex, and I was doing my best to not dwell on the past because I knew that it would just unravel me if I did so. So I did what I needed to, which was to move past it and look at my future, and Time as my companion in this endeavor, as always.
But what I didn't see in my future, because I didn't believe it could happen to me, was a girl liking me. It's happened once or twice before, but it's so rare that I simply don't expect it, and even believe that it won't happen, but it does, and it has. The girl who likes me is the one I've referred to as 'the girl' in most cases. She's liked me for a while now, and at some point, I started seeing her as more than a friend and started liking her back. A few days ago, I couldn't see her because she had to clean her room and some other stuff, (I had thought this was some bs excuse, but apparently she actually did need to clean her room!) and for the next two days I was really lonely because I couldn't see her, well really I was too scared to go down and see her for fear of being told to go away.
It was quite a miserable time for me, but you know what it helped me realize? It helped me realize how much I liked her and how much I depended on being able to hang out and talk with her to keep from being lonely. The only time I wasn't completely bored and miserable was when I was hanging out with my mom watching TV and reading.
But today, or yesterday, for me at least, as it is 1:15 AM when I am typing this, I went over to the girl's house and knocked on the door, and lo and behold, the girl answers the door. We sit down to talk in her living room and I tell her my feelings for her and she seems pleased that I return her feelings. A lot of the stuff we talked about I can't discuss on here without her permission as it was very private stuff, and even with her permission I wouldn't put it on here, but we did just sit and cuddle for literally hours and I got her on Facebook so that we can talk while not being in the same room and so it is easier to arrange when we can go over to each others houses. We were talking on Facebook later, more private stuff, but one thing we did decide is that we're dating now, so yay!
The overall point of this post, other than to update you on my life so far, is to say this: No matter what happens, Time is your eternal companion and it will guide you through the good and bad, so don't dwell on the past, do not be blind to to present, and do look towards your future.
That's all for now y'all, Alex out!
Saturday, November 21, 2015
Invisible
Sometimes I am invisible,
No one in the world to see,
No thought or feeling for me.
There are times when I am quiet,
Times where I am still,
Times where I'm just not there...
Do you give a second glance,
A second thought,
For the hushed, the reticent,
The ones who feel alone?
I just came up with that. And you know what I realized today? I have two friends who do that, who give that second glance, that second thought, to people like me, people who more often than not, feel alone and invisible, even when they try to speak up, they still go unnoticed. And while most of the time I'm fine with it, there are other times where I just wish people could notice me, times when I really NEED someone to notice and ask me how I'm doing, or if I am alright. And for the past day and a half, I've needed that, and thankfully, people did notice me.
Yesterday after I got home from school, I immediately went over to the girls house, cause I wanted to hang out and talk, but her dad told me she had to clean her room, and that it would take hours to do so. So I accepted that and left. But as I was halfway home, I realized how bullshit that was, cause the day before yesterday, I had been in there and it was practically spotless, and then when I got home and talked with my family about it, I realized it was him basically telling me to fuck off, in a very polite and indirect way. After I realized that, I got embarrassed, angry, and depressed. The first two are obvious, but why would I get depressed? Because I realized how much I liked the girl and how much I wanted to see her and talk to her. And now I really want to tell her that I like her so much.
But I'm staying away for a few days, because I had been going over there a lot and I guess I just need to stay away for a few days. Although, I know of a way I can talk with the girl without having to worry about her family... For now, I'll wait until Monday, and if they give some bs excuse again, I'll confront them about it, and if they won't let me see her, well, then I'll put my R&J plan into action!
I'll add on to that poem if I think up anything else to continue it.
Bye y'all, have a wonderful evening/morning/afternoon, Alex out!
No one in the world to see,
No thought or feeling for me.
There are times when I am quiet,
Times where I am still,
Times where I'm just not there...
Do you give a second glance,
A second thought,
For the hushed, the reticent,
The ones who feel alone?
I just came up with that. And you know what I realized today? I have two friends who do that, who give that second glance, that second thought, to people like me, people who more often than not, feel alone and invisible, even when they try to speak up, they still go unnoticed. And while most of the time I'm fine with it, there are other times where I just wish people could notice me, times when I really NEED someone to notice and ask me how I'm doing, or if I am alright. And for the past day and a half, I've needed that, and thankfully, people did notice me.
Yesterday after I got home from school, I immediately went over to the girls house, cause I wanted to hang out and talk, but her dad told me she had to clean her room, and that it would take hours to do so. So I accepted that and left. But as I was halfway home, I realized how bullshit that was, cause the day before yesterday, I had been in there and it was practically spotless, and then when I got home and talked with my family about it, I realized it was him basically telling me to fuck off, in a very polite and indirect way. After I realized that, I got embarrassed, angry, and depressed. The first two are obvious, but why would I get depressed? Because I realized how much I liked the girl and how much I wanted to see her and talk to her. And now I really want to tell her that I like her so much.
But I'm staying away for a few days, because I had been going over there a lot and I guess I just need to stay away for a few days. Although, I know of a way I can talk with the girl without having to worry about her family... For now, I'll wait until Monday, and if they give some bs excuse again, I'll confront them about it, and if they won't let me see her, well, then I'll put my R&J plan into action!
I'll add on to that poem if I think up anything else to continue it.
Bye y'all, have a wonderful evening/morning/afternoon, Alex out!
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Should I Have Kissed Her? Probably.
So, today was pretty uneventful... not. I woke up to my alarms today, thankfully. The night before I had set my alarms to a bunch of different annoying sounds so that I don't have a chance to get used to a single alarm. It worked.
I get on the bus and the girl has a migraine and is really irritable, so that sucked a bit, but I figured that there would be days like that, and there are bound to be more. My feelings for her are starting to solidify I think. I definitely had the urge to kiss her today, but more on that later.
The school day was fairly boring, 2nd period was 3 hours today, but oh well, such is life. I would like to talk about lunch, though. First, some background on my personality. I like to both be quiet and talk a lot. But since I still have some socializing problems, It's really hard for me to start conversations, so I usually jump into one if I see or hear something interesting. Which leads on to lunch. During lunch, my two friends in front of my were talking about random anime stuff and scrolling through pictures, as usual, when, somehow, I engaged them in conversation about the Maximum Ride books, though I don't remember how. This lead to a lunch-long discussion about Maximum Ride, the books, and the graphic novels of the books, which was a pretty cool conversation. One is even going to let me borrow some of her graphic novels of the books so that I can read them!
Yeah, that's it really for the school day. Well, actually, there is 4th period, and it's about one of my sensory issues, which is the one I have problems with less so than touch, but more so than smell, which is sound. I the noises in 4th have been off the charts all week, lots of yelling and talking and it's just not fun for me. So I asked the teacher if I could put my headphones in my ears to dampen the noise a bit, and she said it was fine, so I did it, and it surprisingly helped a lot! So many of the noises that I had had to deal with before were just dampened down or not even audible to me anymore, and the loudest sound for me was my breathing. That also helped me focus more and helped me get my test done.
But yeah, the bus ride home with the girl was pretty funny, she still had a headache, but the people around us were rowdy and the talk was silly, although loud. I'm sure that didn't help her too much, but she had said that she wanted to try to come over to my house today, so I asked her if she wanted me to just go over to her house to get her, and she said yeah. We didn't agree on any specific time, so I waited about half an hour, then went over.
She had been asleep, but she said it was fine since the alarm she had set was about to go off. We actually hung out at her place for a couple hours before heading over to mine. When we got here, we lay down in the living room to watch Big Hero Six. I cuddled up next to her and held hands with her. it was, quite frankly, really enjoyable. Another thing is that, uh, well, for some reason I kept getting aroused with her around, hehe. At the end of the movie, I walked out of the room to let my dad know that I would be walking her home in a moment, and when I walked back in, she was hugging my cat. It was so adorable, I had to lean over and ask her what she was doing XD
And this was where I really wanted to kiss her, as our mouths were really close to each other, but I decided not to and instead pressed a half kiss to her cheek and got up. We did hold hands walking home though. It was already dark by that time, but the half moon tonight lit things up fairly well.
For some reason, I wanted to know how much she liked me, though I knew that she did, so I asked her, and she just said "a lot"
I wasn't entirely sure why I asked the question though. Still am not.
And now I'm sitting here, typing this up and wondering "Should I have kissed her?" And the answer is "Probably."
Well, night y'all, Alex out :3
I get on the bus and the girl has a migraine and is really irritable, so that sucked a bit, but I figured that there would be days like that, and there are bound to be more. My feelings for her are starting to solidify I think. I definitely had the urge to kiss her today, but more on that later.
The school day was fairly boring, 2nd period was 3 hours today, but oh well, such is life. I would like to talk about lunch, though. First, some background on my personality. I like to both be quiet and talk a lot. But since I still have some socializing problems, It's really hard for me to start conversations, so I usually jump into one if I see or hear something interesting. Which leads on to lunch. During lunch, my two friends in front of my were talking about random anime stuff and scrolling through pictures, as usual, when, somehow, I engaged them in conversation about the Maximum Ride books, though I don't remember how. This lead to a lunch-long discussion about Maximum Ride, the books, and the graphic novels of the books, which was a pretty cool conversation. One is even going to let me borrow some of her graphic novels of the books so that I can read them!
Yeah, that's it really for the school day. Well, actually, there is 4th period, and it's about one of my sensory issues, which is the one I have problems with less so than touch, but more so than smell, which is sound. I the noises in 4th have been off the charts all week, lots of yelling and talking and it's just not fun for me. So I asked the teacher if I could put my headphones in my ears to dampen the noise a bit, and she said it was fine, so I did it, and it surprisingly helped a lot! So many of the noises that I had had to deal with before were just dampened down or not even audible to me anymore, and the loudest sound for me was my breathing. That also helped me focus more and helped me get my test done.
But yeah, the bus ride home with the girl was pretty funny, she still had a headache, but the people around us were rowdy and the talk was silly, although loud. I'm sure that didn't help her too much, but she had said that she wanted to try to come over to my house today, so I asked her if she wanted me to just go over to her house to get her, and she said yeah. We didn't agree on any specific time, so I waited about half an hour, then went over.
She had been asleep, but she said it was fine since the alarm she had set was about to go off. We actually hung out at her place for a couple hours before heading over to mine. When we got here, we lay down in the living room to watch Big Hero Six. I cuddled up next to her and held hands with her. it was, quite frankly, really enjoyable. Another thing is that, uh, well, for some reason I kept getting aroused with her around, hehe. At the end of the movie, I walked out of the room to let my dad know that I would be walking her home in a moment, and when I walked back in, she was hugging my cat. It was so adorable, I had to lean over and ask her what she was doing XD
And this was where I really wanted to kiss her, as our mouths were really close to each other, but I decided not to and instead pressed a half kiss to her cheek and got up. We did hold hands walking home though. It was already dark by that time, but the half moon tonight lit things up fairly well.
For some reason, I wanted to know how much she liked me, though I knew that she did, so I asked her, and she just said "a lot"
I wasn't entirely sure why I asked the question though. Still am not.
And now I'm sitting here, typing this up and wondering "Should I have kissed her?" And the answer is "Probably."
Well, night y'all, Alex out :3
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Indescribable feelings on the rise...
I'm gonna forgo the daily description of what happened today since nothing particularly important happened. Instead, I'm gonna talk about my feelings. No, don't leave! I promise it won't be super teenage angsty!
But seriously, feelings are tough for me. I have a hard time describing deeper feelings past the basics. Angry, sad, happy, neutral, that's about as complicated as I can describe things, usually. I occasionally deal with jealousy, but not often enough that it's easily identifiable for me. I have no clue if this is just a me thing, or if many aspies have this issue, but that's how it is for me.
So, with indescribable feelings on the rise for the girl, I am at a bit of a loss. One of my friends thinks I'm starting to like her more, and I agree with her, I am, but what these feelings exactly are is the real mystery for me. How much I like her, in what way exactly do I like her, how do I name these feelings? I have lots of questions about this, and unfortunately, no way for something to help me, which means I'll have to blunder through them until I can discover the names of these feelings on my own.
People may be able to offer advice, but I may not be able to understand or apply it since I'm quite different from most people, and on top of it, a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic (that is really angry at a certain author right now for killing off my favorite character in a certain book, you know who you are *glares*) and having read some peoples definitions for what a hopeless romantic is, I can actually agree that I am one and that that complicates things for me somewhat with these multicolored ball pits of feelings that I've been tossed into with no foreseeable bottom to land on.
I find that I miss the girl when she's not around and I actually really wanted her to come over to my house and hang out with me today, but she never showed up, although I anxiously hoped and waited. It's not a super intense feeling, but it's strong enough that it's noticeable to me. It's sort of scary, to be perfectly honest, the way I am falling for her. With my ex, or anyone previously, actually, it was strong and fast, it burned brighter and hotter than a supergiant class star. (pulled that off of the internet, so sorry if it's not factually accurate!) With this girl, the girl, it's a slow burn, there's a build up, but I have no experience in this, and I'm honestly not sure how to interpret some things that I am feeling and what to do.
I don't know when we should go out on a date, if I'll like her that much by then. She's never gone on a date before, and I've only gone on one, so there's a definite lack of experience for us, which can both be good and bad. Good that we get to experience some things for the first time with each other, possibly. Bad because we might fuck up royally, and since neither of us have experience, we might not be able to repair whatever we do fuck up. I would certainly try my damnedest to fix things when it happens, but stuff like that still worries me.
I know that Time will certainly be my faithful companion for this adventure, but that doesn't mean I can't be impatient or anxious about it. Does Time stay with us when we die though? Tough question, right? We don't know what happens when we die, do we just go into a void, do we go to heaven or hell, or do we wander the Earth for the rest of eternity, and that can sound both good and bad, too. I would personally like to wander the Earth forever, but only if I was at peace with myself and all my past actions.
This is another indescribable feeling, not exactly on the rise, but it's a constant. The feeling of Death. Death is not the same as time, Death isn't a constant companion, but the risk of meeting with Death is. The world isn't a safe place. There isn't a single moment in a persons' life when they are completely and utterly safe. And if you want to look at it more abstractly, there are more types of Death than the physical, there's the emotional and the mental too. And the reason I type Death and Time with capital letters at the beginning, as if they were proper nouns, is because they are so to me. One is my rock in my life, the one there for me through the rough rapids and the smooth shallows. The other is the one I fear the most, that I don't wish to meet until I've lived a long and happy life, until I've done all I can for this world. Maybe it won't be much, maybe it'll be a lot, we don't know yet.
Goodnight all, Alex signing off for now.
But seriously, feelings are tough for me. I have a hard time describing deeper feelings past the basics. Angry, sad, happy, neutral, that's about as complicated as I can describe things, usually. I occasionally deal with jealousy, but not often enough that it's easily identifiable for me. I have no clue if this is just a me thing, or if many aspies have this issue, but that's how it is for me.
So, with indescribable feelings on the rise for the girl, I am at a bit of a loss. One of my friends thinks I'm starting to like her more, and I agree with her, I am, but what these feelings exactly are is the real mystery for me. How much I like her, in what way exactly do I like her, how do I name these feelings? I have lots of questions about this, and unfortunately, no way for something to help me, which means I'll have to blunder through them until I can discover the names of these feelings on my own.
People may be able to offer advice, but I may not be able to understand or apply it since I'm quite different from most people, and on top of it, a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic (that is really angry at a certain author right now for killing off my favorite character in a certain book, you know who you are *glares*) and having read some peoples definitions for what a hopeless romantic is, I can actually agree that I am one and that that complicates things for me somewhat with these multicolored ball pits of feelings that I've been tossed into with no foreseeable bottom to land on.
I find that I miss the girl when she's not around and I actually really wanted her to come over to my house and hang out with me today, but she never showed up, although I anxiously hoped and waited. It's not a super intense feeling, but it's strong enough that it's noticeable to me. It's sort of scary, to be perfectly honest, the way I am falling for her. With my ex, or anyone previously, actually, it was strong and fast, it burned brighter and hotter than a supergiant class star. (pulled that off of the internet, so sorry if it's not factually accurate!) With this girl, the girl, it's a slow burn, there's a build up, but I have no experience in this, and I'm honestly not sure how to interpret some things that I am feeling and what to do.
I don't know when we should go out on a date, if I'll like her that much by then. She's never gone on a date before, and I've only gone on one, so there's a definite lack of experience for us, which can both be good and bad. Good that we get to experience some things for the first time with each other, possibly. Bad because we might fuck up royally, and since neither of us have experience, we might not be able to repair whatever we do fuck up. I would certainly try my damnedest to fix things when it happens, but stuff like that still worries me.
I know that Time will certainly be my faithful companion for this adventure, but that doesn't mean I can't be impatient or anxious about it. Does Time stay with us when we die though? Tough question, right? We don't know what happens when we die, do we just go into a void, do we go to heaven or hell, or do we wander the Earth for the rest of eternity, and that can sound both good and bad, too. I would personally like to wander the Earth forever, but only if I was at peace with myself and all my past actions.
This is another indescribable feeling, not exactly on the rise, but it's a constant. The feeling of Death. Death is not the same as time, Death isn't a constant companion, but the risk of meeting with Death is. The world isn't a safe place. There isn't a single moment in a persons' life when they are completely and utterly safe. And if you want to look at it more abstractly, there are more types of Death than the physical, there's the emotional and the mental too. And the reason I type Death and Time with capital letters at the beginning, as if they were proper nouns, is because they are so to me. One is my rock in my life, the one there for me through the rough rapids and the smooth shallows. The other is the one I fear the most, that I don't wish to meet until I've lived a long and happy life, until I've done all I can for this world. Maybe it won't be much, maybe it'll be a lot, we don't know yet.
Goodnight all, Alex signing off for now.
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
"Time escapes me..."
It's been six days since my last post... I'm sorry, really, I am. I can't really remember what happened past last friday, but I do know this. Time escapes me rather often, during the summer I can go a week or two without really understanding how much time has passed. And so that is how the last week has been for me, time is flying and I just can't keep up.
I'll give a brief summary of each day unless important moments pop up in my memory.
So, Friday I had woken up at the exact moment that the lunch bell usually rings for me. And it took me exactly one second after I woke up to realize I had overslept, and another second after seeing the time to know that I had already missed over half the school day. So I got up, went downstairs, and played Fallout 4. Yup, didn't have a ride to school, so there was nothing for me to have done about that!
On Saturday, I woke up feeling restless, because this was the day that I had planned on going to the girl's house to see if she could hang out. I spent the first half of the day restlessly doing whatever I could to entertain myself, until at about 1 P.M. I got up and left the house to walk down the street to her house. Turns out, she was doing yard work, and had to get it done before she could come over. So me and one of her other friends hung about and helped her with her yard work. It was genuinely fun, talking with her, joking around, but at some point I focused on the work and got it done as quickly as possible so that she could come over. I was that excited!
When she did come over, we went up to my room and played Fallout 3 and talked. It was just plain enjoyable. At some point, I ended up holding her hands because they were so cold, and we talked while I held them. It was comforting and nice in an almost indescribable way. It was a way in which I haven't felt in a long time, I didn't even feel that way with my ex. Later, her aunt invited me to go with them to church on Sunday, and I'm agnostic, although I really lean closer to the atheist side, but without solid proof of existence or lack thereof of a God, I can't be sure. But yeah, I'm agnostic, and don't much care for organized religion, but for the girl, since it would make her happy, I accepted.
Sunday appears over the horizon as I slept, I wake up early so that I don't miss their car when it comes to pick me up. The ride takes something like half an hour to forty five minutes, but when we get there, I see that it's a really big church. I start to really dread it when I see how many people there are, but oh well, I was in it and there wasn't any backing out. I wouldn't back out even if I could though, because I wasn't going to go back on my word. Entering the church, we start to go up to our seats after one of our group gets some coffee. On the way, I start a mini theological debate with the girl, which didn't turn into an argument, thankfully. The entire thing though wasn't that bad, but it's just not to my tastes.
On Monday, I miss the bus by a few minutes, but thankfully catch my dad just as he is leaving for work and I manage to get to school at about the same time the buses are letting off, so that turned out alright. But I did pass right by the girl without her even noticing me. She looked really tired and less than half there, so it didn't bother me too much that she didn't notice me.
It was around this time I started to slack off a bit from my school work, and fast forwarding to earlier today, I realized that focusing so heavily on my school work has been what's allowed me to move past my old feelings for my ex. I was feeling really emotional today during my classes, except for the time that I was focusing solely on my work. So yeah, focusing on my work actually helps me a lot, it's sort of therapeutic for me.
Honestly, I've found myself starting to miss the girl's presence lately. Sometimes I miss the bus in the morning, or other times I won't be able to ride home in the afternoon, and it's hard to explain. I like the habit of sitting next to the girl and listening to music while talking with her, or listening to her and all my friends talk, or just sitting in silence. There's not really a way for me to define it, it just is. Hopefully some of you out there understand what I'm trying to say and maybe can better put into words what I am talking about?
That's all for now, I just wanted to make sure I got a post out today, I'm really sorry, again, time escapes me easily, but also I'm just naturally lazy, and was too lazy to post XD
Bye bye y'all, Alex out!
I'll give a brief summary of each day unless important moments pop up in my memory.
So, Friday I had woken up at the exact moment that the lunch bell usually rings for me. And it took me exactly one second after I woke up to realize I had overslept, and another second after seeing the time to know that I had already missed over half the school day. So I got up, went downstairs, and played Fallout 4. Yup, didn't have a ride to school, so there was nothing for me to have done about that!
On Saturday, I woke up feeling restless, because this was the day that I had planned on going to the girl's house to see if she could hang out. I spent the first half of the day restlessly doing whatever I could to entertain myself, until at about 1 P.M. I got up and left the house to walk down the street to her house. Turns out, she was doing yard work, and had to get it done before she could come over. So me and one of her other friends hung about and helped her with her yard work. It was genuinely fun, talking with her, joking around, but at some point I focused on the work and got it done as quickly as possible so that she could come over. I was that excited!
When she did come over, we went up to my room and played Fallout 3 and talked. It was just plain enjoyable. At some point, I ended up holding her hands because they were so cold, and we talked while I held them. It was comforting and nice in an almost indescribable way. It was a way in which I haven't felt in a long time, I didn't even feel that way with my ex. Later, her aunt invited me to go with them to church on Sunday, and I'm agnostic, although I really lean closer to the atheist side, but without solid proof of existence or lack thereof of a God, I can't be sure. But yeah, I'm agnostic, and don't much care for organized religion, but for the girl, since it would make her happy, I accepted.
Sunday appears over the horizon as I slept, I wake up early so that I don't miss their car when it comes to pick me up. The ride takes something like half an hour to forty five minutes, but when we get there, I see that it's a really big church. I start to really dread it when I see how many people there are, but oh well, I was in it and there wasn't any backing out. I wouldn't back out even if I could though, because I wasn't going to go back on my word. Entering the church, we start to go up to our seats after one of our group gets some coffee. On the way, I start a mini theological debate with the girl, which didn't turn into an argument, thankfully. The entire thing though wasn't that bad, but it's just not to my tastes.
On Monday, I miss the bus by a few minutes, but thankfully catch my dad just as he is leaving for work and I manage to get to school at about the same time the buses are letting off, so that turned out alright. But I did pass right by the girl without her even noticing me. She looked really tired and less than half there, so it didn't bother me too much that she didn't notice me.
It was around this time I started to slack off a bit from my school work, and fast forwarding to earlier today, I realized that focusing so heavily on my school work has been what's allowed me to move past my old feelings for my ex. I was feeling really emotional today during my classes, except for the time that I was focusing solely on my work. So yeah, focusing on my work actually helps me a lot, it's sort of therapeutic for me.
Honestly, I've found myself starting to miss the girl's presence lately. Sometimes I miss the bus in the morning, or other times I won't be able to ride home in the afternoon, and it's hard to explain. I like the habit of sitting next to the girl and listening to music while talking with her, or listening to her and all my friends talk, or just sitting in silence. There's not really a way for me to define it, it just is. Hopefully some of you out there understand what I'm trying to say and maybe can better put into words what I am talking about?
That's all for now, I just wanted to make sure I got a post out today, I'm really sorry, again, time escapes me easily, but also I'm just naturally lazy, and was too lazy to post XD
Bye bye y'all, Alex out!
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Time
Time, my loyal companion
My first ally, one who never lies to me
My first enemy, one who forces me to endure
A healer of the broken ones
The first to promise me more
The last to give it
But always there
Whether for good or ill
I came up with that pretty much in the past 15 minutes. Just, out of the blue. It may not be the most profound or deep poem, but it's from my heart.
So, today was... well, it was mostly shitty. I woke up late, having missed the bus, and had an inside moral debate with myself on if I wanted to go back to sleep and stay home or go to school. So, of course, ignoring whatever instinct or though had compelled me to stay home, I went to bloody school. Which, in the end, was probably the best choice, but I could have avoided some serious embarrassment if I had stayed home, and some shame too. But I'm getting a bit ahead of myself.
So, my brother drove me to school, and while he was doing that, he told me about a girl with symptoms similar to that of Asperger's that he had met, though she wasn't diagnosed with it, officially. Only about a year or so older than me, she sounded interesting. I'm gonna see if I can meet her sometime :p
So, he dropped me off at school, and during second, there were more tours, as we had been giving tours to middle and elementary schoolers all week, but my teacher was getting tired of constantly saying the same thing over again, so he handed it off to us, and as it's still a business class, we were sort of required to do it. I went first, and I gotta say, even though they were elementary kids, it was tough. It's tough just speaking normally, as I like to think through what I say usually, and not just blunder through, but I had to blunder through this. And when they were leaving, I didn't really know what to say, so I just said "Have a good day, children." and promptly got called a creep by my classmates and teacher. While I know it was all in good fun, it still stings just a bit. I don't mean to be creepy in my mannerisms or speech, but more often than not I come off that way.
Speed forward a bit, bus ride home I'm listening to music, still doing my best to avoid Emily and thoughts about her, and surprisingly, it's working. Time and avoidance are allowing me to move past her. I'm having less thoughts about her, and when I do, they're more often just idle wonderings I have about most people, rather than specific thoughts about her. So things are going better. I don't really try to talk to her anymore either. Whatever feelings I had for her burned high and bright, but went out just as fast.
In 3rd is where shit really hit the fan for me. We're reading The Great Gatsby and we had to get with our character groups. I got with my group, the character is Nick. We were to draw Gatsby's mansion and write quotes that represented him. Well, when I found them, I was extremely intimidated by them. They were these two girls, B and A. I won't mention names, so that they can stay anonymous.
Well, anyways, they intimidated me like no other person before. I don't even really understand why they intimidated me, but it just made me feel small and awkward, and so I just kinda meekly sat there without knowing what to do. I contributed a couple quotes, but I honestly wasn't needed and felt that I would just get in the way if I tried to do much. One was an amazing artist and didn't need help at all with that. The other was amazing with writing, and didn't need help with that at all. I got to write down my two quotes, but they felt sloppy and inadequate compared to the two girls' work. And at the end of class, I felt even more embarrassed, and especially ashamed, because I should have, and could have contributed more. I also slept through most of 4th, but that's of little consequence, since I got the notes down and understood what we were doing, and got the work done.
A little upside was that I finally got to start on conditioning for track today. The rain had stopped and it was bright and sunny. I wasn't hydrated very well, which made it a bit harder, but I pulled through, and didn't die, so it's all good.
On the ride home, as my friend was dropping me off, we passed the girl's house, as she lives on my street, and I'm pretty sure I saw her outside with a kid, though I wasn't sure because we passed by so fast. But when we did pass, and I saw her, for a split second, I felt my heart do a strange little flutter that I haven't felt before. I'm still not sure what my feelings for her are, but only Time will tell.
Oh, and the deathclaws in Fallout 4 are fucking scary.
That's all for today, bye y'all, Alex out.
My first ally, one who never lies to me
My first enemy, one who forces me to endure
A healer of the broken ones
The first to promise me more
The last to give it
But always there
Whether for good or ill
I came up with that pretty much in the past 15 minutes. Just, out of the blue. It may not be the most profound or deep poem, but it's from my heart.
So, today was... well, it was mostly shitty. I woke up late, having missed the bus, and had an inside moral debate with myself on if I wanted to go back to sleep and stay home or go to school. So, of course, ignoring whatever instinct or though had compelled me to stay home, I went to bloody school. Which, in the end, was probably the best choice, but I could have avoided some serious embarrassment if I had stayed home, and some shame too. But I'm getting a bit ahead of myself.
So, my brother drove me to school, and while he was doing that, he told me about a girl with symptoms similar to that of Asperger's that he had met, though she wasn't diagnosed with it, officially. Only about a year or so older than me, she sounded interesting. I'm gonna see if I can meet her sometime :p
So, he dropped me off at school, and during second, there were more tours, as we had been giving tours to middle and elementary schoolers all week, but my teacher was getting tired of constantly saying the same thing over again, so he handed it off to us, and as it's still a business class, we were sort of required to do it. I went first, and I gotta say, even though they were elementary kids, it was tough. It's tough just speaking normally, as I like to think through what I say usually, and not just blunder through, but I had to blunder through this. And when they were leaving, I didn't really know what to say, so I just said "Have a good day, children." and promptly got called a creep by my classmates and teacher. While I know it was all in good fun, it still stings just a bit. I don't mean to be creepy in my mannerisms or speech, but more often than not I come off that way.
Speed forward a bit, bus ride home I'm listening to music, still doing my best to avoid Emily and thoughts about her, and surprisingly, it's working. Time and avoidance are allowing me to move past her. I'm having less thoughts about her, and when I do, they're more often just idle wonderings I have about most people, rather than specific thoughts about her. So things are going better. I don't really try to talk to her anymore either. Whatever feelings I had for her burned high and bright, but went out just as fast.
In 3rd is where shit really hit the fan for me. We're reading The Great Gatsby and we had to get with our character groups. I got with my group, the character is Nick. We were to draw Gatsby's mansion and write quotes that represented him. Well, when I found them, I was extremely intimidated by them. They were these two girls, B and A. I won't mention names, so that they can stay anonymous.
Well, anyways, they intimidated me like no other person before. I don't even really understand why they intimidated me, but it just made me feel small and awkward, and so I just kinda meekly sat there without knowing what to do. I contributed a couple quotes, but I honestly wasn't needed and felt that I would just get in the way if I tried to do much. One was an amazing artist and didn't need help at all with that. The other was amazing with writing, and didn't need help with that at all. I got to write down my two quotes, but they felt sloppy and inadequate compared to the two girls' work. And at the end of class, I felt even more embarrassed, and especially ashamed, because I should have, and could have contributed more. I also slept through most of 4th, but that's of little consequence, since I got the notes down and understood what we were doing, and got the work done.
A little upside was that I finally got to start on conditioning for track today. The rain had stopped and it was bright and sunny. I wasn't hydrated very well, which made it a bit harder, but I pulled through, and didn't die, so it's all good.
On the ride home, as my friend was dropping me off, we passed the girl's house, as she lives on my street, and I'm pretty sure I saw her outside with a kid, though I wasn't sure because we passed by so fast. But when we did pass, and I saw her, for a split second, I felt my heart do a strange little flutter that I haven't felt before. I'm still not sure what my feelings for her are, but only Time will tell.
Oh, and the deathclaws in Fallout 4 are fucking scary.
That's all for today, bye y'all, Alex out.
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
I'm Sorry, I'm Tired, and I'm Hungry
So, I missed yesterday's post, and now I don't really remember much that happened yesterday, except for the important things. But I've gotten permission to talk about one of the events, so I shall.
I was bored during lunch yesterday, and so I went up to a friend and acquaintance, whom I shall refer to as R and S. So, R was telling me about how this fucking prick in one of her classes is always making crude and mean jokes about her body in this class. I mean, physically, she's attractive, that's obvious, but her personality is what is more attractive, and if that prick can't see that, well he can go rot in hell. I can guarantee all of you that R is fucking awesome and you should all totally be friends with her and stuff! So at the time, I didn't really know how to respond, so I just sort of agreed with her that that sucked.
Fast forwarding a little bit to the evening, I looked back on this and started to get enraged. Like actually enraged. I wanted to go and beat the living shit out of this dude and make him regret ever being a jerk to my friend. I'm extremely loyal to my friends, maybe to a fault, but it's how I am. But this wasn't to a fault, this was me being royally pissed off. I cherish the friends I have, respect them, and want to protect them however I can, even if they don't need it.
I don't have a younger sibling, I am the youngest in my sibling group, but if I did, I think the protectiveness I have for some of my friends, including R, would be that of an older brother. I think I explained that correctly. I don't want to see my friends hurt. So I told her that I really wanted to beat the shit out of the dude, and she told me that she was gonna file a report against him since he's sexually harassing her. I hope he gets expelled, fucking human scum. So yeah, R is a really cool person, you all should totally be her friends if you ever meet her! Not that you know who she is, of course :)
So yeah, yesterday was interesting, but again, I don't really remember much.
ON TO TODAY!
Today was tiring. Still is tiring. Fallout 4 came out today, woo! But I can't play it yet cause my dad has been playing it. I will tomorrow.
I actually didn't fall asleep until late into 1AM last night, so today I was left very tired and grumpy. I just wanted to sleep, in fact I did fall asleep a few times, but at very inopportune times. Like just as the bus was arriving at the school, or while we were being given instructions in 3rd. I was also really hungry, which didn't help. I hadn't had any money for lunch, and so I went hungry for a few hours. But when I got home, after leaf blowing the driveway, I went inside, grabbed two packets of poptarts, and went upstairs to eat both of them and fall asleep.
Nothing truly exciting happened today, other than riding home. The bus ride home, hmm. Well, I sat next to C, as per usual, and sort of talked to her for a bit, but I didn't really know how to conduct myself today. I didn't know what to do or what to talk about. Then the people around me, including her, started up in a category game where they shouted what they could about the category, like colors or types of drinks. I tried to be silly and make her laugh or something, but I sort of failed at that. Sometimes I really just don't know what to do with myself, so I just listened to the music I had playing and sung along softly under my breath at times in which a song I liked came on, usually love songs.
I really like love songs. I'm a hopeful romantic. Notice how I didn't say 'hopeless romantic'. Well that's because I'm actually hopeful that I will find a meaningful relationship one day. Maybe it will be with C, maybe it will be far in my future, but all I can do is hope right now. I've read a lot about various aspies in their marriages, a few from the Aspies POV, but mostly from the NT partners POV, and it makes me wonder if we can actually have a successful relationship and marriage with NTs. I obviously won't know the answer to that for many years, but it's something I rarely contemplate.
That's all for tonight, I'll see y'all tomorrow, Alex out!
I was bored during lunch yesterday, and so I went up to a friend and acquaintance, whom I shall refer to as R and S. So, R was telling me about how this fucking prick in one of her classes is always making crude and mean jokes about her body in this class. I mean, physically, she's attractive, that's obvious, but her personality is what is more attractive, and if that prick can't see that, well he can go rot in hell. I can guarantee all of you that R is fucking awesome and you should all totally be friends with her and stuff! So at the time, I didn't really know how to respond, so I just sort of agreed with her that that sucked.
Fast forwarding a little bit to the evening, I looked back on this and started to get enraged. Like actually enraged. I wanted to go and beat the living shit out of this dude and make him regret ever being a jerk to my friend. I'm extremely loyal to my friends, maybe to a fault, but it's how I am. But this wasn't to a fault, this was me being royally pissed off. I cherish the friends I have, respect them, and want to protect them however I can, even if they don't need it.
I don't have a younger sibling, I am the youngest in my sibling group, but if I did, I think the protectiveness I have for some of my friends, including R, would be that of an older brother. I think I explained that correctly. I don't want to see my friends hurt. So I told her that I really wanted to beat the shit out of the dude, and she told me that she was gonna file a report against him since he's sexually harassing her. I hope he gets expelled, fucking human scum. So yeah, R is a really cool person, you all should totally be her friends if you ever meet her! Not that you know who she is, of course :)
So yeah, yesterday was interesting, but again, I don't really remember much.
ON TO TODAY!
Today was tiring. Still is tiring. Fallout 4 came out today, woo! But I can't play it yet cause my dad has been playing it. I will tomorrow.
I actually didn't fall asleep until late into 1AM last night, so today I was left very tired and grumpy. I just wanted to sleep, in fact I did fall asleep a few times, but at very inopportune times. Like just as the bus was arriving at the school, or while we were being given instructions in 3rd. I was also really hungry, which didn't help. I hadn't had any money for lunch, and so I went hungry for a few hours. But when I got home, after leaf blowing the driveway, I went inside, grabbed two packets of poptarts, and went upstairs to eat both of them and fall asleep.
Nothing truly exciting happened today, other than riding home. The bus ride home, hmm. Well, I sat next to C, as per usual, and sort of talked to her for a bit, but I didn't really know how to conduct myself today. I didn't know what to do or what to talk about. Then the people around me, including her, started up in a category game where they shouted what they could about the category, like colors or types of drinks. I tried to be silly and make her laugh or something, but I sort of failed at that. Sometimes I really just don't know what to do with myself, so I just listened to the music I had playing and sung along softly under my breath at times in which a song I liked came on, usually love songs.
I really like love songs. I'm a hopeful romantic. Notice how I didn't say 'hopeless romantic'. Well that's because I'm actually hopeful that I will find a meaningful relationship one day. Maybe it will be with C, maybe it will be far in my future, but all I can do is hope right now. I've read a lot about various aspies in their marriages, a few from the Aspies POV, but mostly from the NT partners POV, and it makes me wonder if we can actually have a successful relationship and marriage with NTs. I obviously won't know the answer to that for many years, but it's something I rarely contemplate.
That's all for tonight, I'll see y'all tomorrow, Alex out!
Sunday, November 8, 2015
A Dreary Sunday of Fun
To start off this night's post, I gotta say, it's a tad disconcerting that while I'm getting a decent amount of page views, I'm not getting any comments or followers either. I mean, I have one follower, but that's it. There's no way for me to know if there are things I need to improve upon or do differently or if there are things you readers specifically want me to talk about. Please, make an account, even if temporary, and comment your thoughts about each post? I don't care about follows, really, I just want to talk to you guys :)
Anyways, today wasn't very eventful. I woke up at 12 PM from dreaming about someone I haven't even though about in a long time. But I won't talk about it, as it's pretty personal. I mean, I know I've talked about some fairly personal stuff on here before, but some stuff is more personal than other stuff, to me at least.
But yeah, I pretty much spent the whole day in front of my computer screen. And before you tell me to "Go outside." It was rainy and wet all day, so ha! It's still rainy and shit, actually. As I type this, my cat is burrowing into a really cozy and warm blanket in my room... and my hands are cold and slightly numb. That's right, I'm risking my fingers here to type this out to you guys, so you better appreciate it! :p
I don't really have anything to talk about tonight, and it's late and my melatonin is kicking in, so I'm gonna be heading to bed shortly. In fact, after this post, I'm gonna be laying down to sleep!
Really, that's it. Goodnight folks, Alex out!
Anyways, today wasn't very eventful. I woke up at 12 PM from dreaming about someone I haven't even though about in a long time. But I won't talk about it, as it's pretty personal. I mean, I know I've talked about some fairly personal stuff on here before, but some stuff is more personal than other stuff, to me at least.
But yeah, I pretty much spent the whole day in front of my computer screen. And before you tell me to "Go outside." It was rainy and wet all day, so ha! It's still rainy and shit, actually. As I type this, my cat is burrowing into a really cozy and warm blanket in my room... and my hands are cold and slightly numb. That's right, I'm risking my fingers here to type this out to you guys, so you better appreciate it! :p
I don't really have anything to talk about tonight, and it's late and my melatonin is kicking in, so I'm gonna be heading to bed shortly. In fact, after this post, I'm gonna be laying down to sleep!
Really, that's it. Goodnight folks, Alex out!
Saturday, November 7, 2015
A Day Late And A Day On Time
I'm sorry, this is a day late, and I was way too tired yesterday to blog. So I'll tell you about yesterday.
Yesterday, when I woke up, it was raining. I found this out by locking myself out of the house without a jacket on, but with my backpack. Now, I have a house key, but honestly I was too lazy to go back in and grab one. So, I ran to the bus stop, which was under a tree, thankfully, and it wasn't too long before the bus arrived. When I got on it, I went to my usual seat, although I half wanted to go sit with the girl and talk with her. But I didn't, regrettably. I wish I had though.
So, after sitting in my usual seat, after a little bit I got bored, so I turned around and made a silly face at my friend. Eventually he looked up and immediately slapped me, saying "I'm not in the mood." To say I was shocked would be an understatement. To say I was outraged would also be an understatement. I was just trying to joke around and have fun and unprovoked, he slapped me. And not the friendly playful slap between friends either, but an honest to god actual slap that were the bus not running, people would have heard and probably turned to look what happened. As it was, it was dark and the bus was running and loud, so no one noticed, not even the girl. I muttered at him, saying "You're lucky your my friend, else I would slam my backpack on you." I was still too shocked to really come up with a comeback or to have a reaction to him slapping me. But I knew one thing, and it was that I was pissed.
I had quite a few scenarios running through my head of how to get revenge on him, but I really needed to think levelly, so I put in my headphones, maxed the volume, and threw on some Three Days Grace to drown out my thoughts so that I could cool down. What I concluded though was that since this friend has been a good friend in the past, I'm giving him a second chance, but if he does something like this to me again, without me intentionally provoking him and him physically assaulting me, that's it. I'm not gonna be friends with him after that. I may press charges if he does it a second time, if I'm allowed to do that, because seriously, I won't stand for that shit. I can understand wanting to be left alone, and I would have, if he had just told me to, but you don't just fucking hit people when they've done absolutely nothing to you. You just don't. I do understand playfully hitting or smacking someone, someone you are friends with. This wasn't a playful slap though.
Anyways, I blasted my music and simmered until I cooled to a level at which I could think clearly. That didn't happen until around after 2nd. I tried to blast music again, but at that point I was getting a headache, so I had to just deal with it. That day went fairly well, with some ups and downs after 2nd. Still hate even seeing my ex. I really try to not look at her. And it's not like I hate her, or her personality, I just can't handle it, looking at her. I don't know why. But nevertheless, I'm gonna force myself to move on, even if that means just not being around her at all. I'll deal with ten minutes of sitting alone every day.
I want to move on. I woke up this morning wanting to move on and be happy. I want to date this girl that likes me, and I want to try at dating. I just want to be happy and in a relationship. The closeness, physically and emotionally, in a relationship is something I crave, and want. Not necessarily sex, just physical closeness, like holding hands and cuddling. I especially like cuddling :3
I really just played video games all day today and I vacuumed a bit, wanna clean my room up just in case I have guests over at some point, friends to hang out and such!
That's all really, if I come up with anything I wanna talk about, I will make another post. Night y'all, Alex out!
Yesterday, when I woke up, it was raining. I found this out by locking myself out of the house without a jacket on, but with my backpack. Now, I have a house key, but honestly I was too lazy to go back in and grab one. So, I ran to the bus stop, which was under a tree, thankfully, and it wasn't too long before the bus arrived. When I got on it, I went to my usual seat, although I half wanted to go sit with the girl and talk with her. But I didn't, regrettably. I wish I had though.
So, after sitting in my usual seat, after a little bit I got bored, so I turned around and made a silly face at my friend. Eventually he looked up and immediately slapped me, saying "I'm not in the mood." To say I was shocked would be an understatement. To say I was outraged would also be an understatement. I was just trying to joke around and have fun and unprovoked, he slapped me. And not the friendly playful slap between friends either, but an honest to god actual slap that were the bus not running, people would have heard and probably turned to look what happened. As it was, it was dark and the bus was running and loud, so no one noticed, not even the girl. I muttered at him, saying "You're lucky your my friend, else I would slam my backpack on you." I was still too shocked to really come up with a comeback or to have a reaction to him slapping me. But I knew one thing, and it was that I was pissed.
I had quite a few scenarios running through my head of how to get revenge on him, but I really needed to think levelly, so I put in my headphones, maxed the volume, and threw on some Three Days Grace to drown out my thoughts so that I could cool down. What I concluded though was that since this friend has been a good friend in the past, I'm giving him a second chance, but if he does something like this to me again, without me intentionally provoking him and him physically assaulting me, that's it. I'm not gonna be friends with him after that. I may press charges if he does it a second time, if I'm allowed to do that, because seriously, I won't stand for that shit. I can understand wanting to be left alone, and I would have, if he had just told me to, but you don't just fucking hit people when they've done absolutely nothing to you. You just don't. I do understand playfully hitting or smacking someone, someone you are friends with. This wasn't a playful slap though.
Anyways, I blasted my music and simmered until I cooled to a level at which I could think clearly. That didn't happen until around after 2nd. I tried to blast music again, but at that point I was getting a headache, so I had to just deal with it. That day went fairly well, with some ups and downs after 2nd. Still hate even seeing my ex. I really try to not look at her. And it's not like I hate her, or her personality, I just can't handle it, looking at her. I don't know why. But nevertheless, I'm gonna force myself to move on, even if that means just not being around her at all. I'll deal with ten minutes of sitting alone every day.
I want to move on. I woke up this morning wanting to move on and be happy. I want to date this girl that likes me, and I want to try at dating. I just want to be happy and in a relationship. The closeness, physically and emotionally, in a relationship is something I crave, and want. Not necessarily sex, just physical closeness, like holding hands and cuddling. I especially like cuddling :3
I really just played video games all day today and I vacuumed a bit, wanna clean my room up just in case I have guests over at some point, friends to hang out and such!
That's all really, if I come up with anything I wanna talk about, I will make another post. Night y'all, Alex out!
Thursday, November 5, 2015
Nuclear Meltdown Imminent in 3... 2... 1...
Today was bad. Just straight up, it was bad. I woke up late, I was tired, my feelings are all over the place, and I was just overloaded from the moment I woke up. I just didn't know it yet.
So, yeah, I woke up late. two hours late. I had to have my dad take me to school, though I did get a sausage biscuit from McDonalds, so I guess it wasn't all bad. It took me a while to get my wits together though. I still need to finish something for 2nd *sigh* and do my math homework. But yeah, today.
I missed 1st period completely, but did get into 2nd just as it started, and I hadn't missed anything in there, so that was good. I walk in to the class not really doing anything, actually. Just screwing around. I walk to the back to eat my breakfast, and see two classmates whispering about something, and so I ask them what the hell they're doing. They said they were trying to guess who had stolen two iPhone 4's from the teacher a few days ago. I told them it was probably one of the kids who had been pulled aside last week because their bags smelled like drugs. We had had a K9 unit do random searches at the school that day. Anyways, they agreed, and proceeded to tell me how the phones were found. Wanna know how? No? Okay.
So, I got nothing done in 2nd. I find it very hard to concentrate in that class. Probably because of how crazy it is. Sometime during it I had to leave to use the restroom, and when I was walking out, I saw someone I knew, and they looked quite startled to see me at school. We exchanged greetings and continued on our separate ways. After class, I saw said person again walking by, and my thoughts started to get riled up, because, did I mention, this person was my ex, and I'm still dealing with shit in my own head concerning her. So, I got on the bus and tried to calm down, but my thoughts wouldn't shut down or at least settle, and so by the time we got back to the normal school, I had to stop and breathe in the cold air for a minute to try to ease the burning in my chest. It barely helped. So when I sat down to wait for the bell to go to third, I couldn't handle hearing my ex and friend anymore. It was causing too many feelings and a mosh pit of emotions in my chest. I did the only thing I could do in that situation. I plugged in my headphones and blasted music at max volume to blow out the world.
I'm not sure how to explain it, doing what I do should cause me more pain than help, because of sensory issues, but in a way it numbs things a bit. It helps me cope by something being so loud right in my ears that it stops me from thinking too deeply or too much. Even now thinking back on today is causing things to go badly again in my mind. But yeah, I just sat there, put my head down, closed my eyes, and focused on the music. Unfortunately, I could still feel, and what I felt were the vibrations from the table. They piqued my interest, making me want to turn and see who was making them and why. I knew the who already, but I still wanted to know the why. But I resisted, because I couldn't handle any more pain of looking at her.
Some of you are probably wondering something along the lines of "Then why don't you just get up and find another table, walk away, stop being around her so much." Because her and another dude, I shall refer to him as L, are the only two friends I can be around for the first half of the day, and while it's painful, it's more painful to be alone. I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't. I went through enough loneliness in elementary and middle. I don't want to go back, and no amount of pain now will make me go back to that pain. It's scary, thinking about being all alone again. I think that that scares me more than dying. L, if you are continuously reading my blog, please don't talk to E about any of this. This is private, even if it's on the web, it's still an anonymous thing, so I don't want this affecting real life.
So, when the bell finally rang, I practically ran out of there, barreling through most people to get away from them. I blasted my music as long as I could before I had to put it away. I had to get through the next two classes without music and without breaking. Not breaking down, but breaking. To put it abstractly, my ability to keep my anger under control, and not release it on people that don't realize how pissed I am, it's like a piece of metal. A metal pipe or beam, whichever you prefer. It bends, bends some more, and bends some more, but I have to keep adding counter pressure to keep it from snapping, and for all that pent up potential energy to turn into very destructive kinetic energy, I have to keep my cool until I can put on my headphones. I mostly managed to get through the two classes accident free, except for 3rd.
One of my classmates saw how angry I was looking and asked me what was wrong, and I responded in a short and clipped tone for him to leave me alone, that it would be better that way. Instead of just understanding and accepting this, he got upset with me. When I made a comment later in class, he responded in an angry voice "I thought you just want to be left alone, Alex?" It was then I realized I needed to apologize, even if I didn't do anything wrong except warn someone that to avoid me hurting them in any way, they should leave me alone. So I swallowed my pride, and apologized to him, and he seemed to calm down towards me some after that.
I got through 4th with no issue other than concentrating on my work, but I still got my work done, so it was all cool. When 4th ended, I pretty much bolted towards my bus. I was looking forward to sitting next to and talking with the girl who liked me. I run to the bus almost every day, actually, looking back on it. Even though I haven't really examined my feelings for awhile, (it's dangerous for me, cause I could quite honestly break down crying if I do so) maybe I'm fond of this girl, or even like her. I don't know. I'll try to examine my feelings a bit this weekend.
So, bus ride home involved more blaring music, because someone was already sitting next to the girl. I'm just gonna refer to her as the girl, k? k. I kinda wanted to ask the person to move, but I just decided to sit in my normal seat and try to connect to spotify so I could blast more music. When I finally connected, I proceeded to stare out the window blankly for my entire bus ride with headphones in and volume at max. After I got off, I walked inside, found the place trashed by the dogs, with shit everywhere, and then walked up to my room, put spotify on on my computer, turned my speakers up, maxed spotify volume, and played Binding of Isaac: Afterbirth for hours.
Video games and music are my coping mechanisms, but they don't really fix the issue, just mute it. Stimming does the same thing, but on a smaller scale, and it's a lot less potent. The only way I've been able to really cope is by sleeping out the feelings and such. I'm usually feeling better by then.
So, when my dad came home, he had me help him clean up the mess downstairs, and after that, I went back to the world of gaming for a few more hours.
Today's volatile mood was surprising for me. I actually don't have these too often. Sure, I do have to deal with my anxiety, feelings, and sensory issues on a daily basis, but usually I keep them under control enough that I don't have to resort to what I did today. Hopefully, today will be a one-time thing for a while.
That's all for now, night y'all, Alex out. *Jumps through Stargate*
So, yeah, I woke up late. two hours late. I had to have my dad take me to school, though I did get a sausage biscuit from McDonalds, so I guess it wasn't all bad. It took me a while to get my wits together though. I still need to finish something for 2nd *sigh* and do my math homework. But yeah, today.
I missed 1st period completely, but did get into 2nd just as it started, and I hadn't missed anything in there, so that was good. I walk in to the class not really doing anything, actually. Just screwing around. I walk to the back to eat my breakfast, and see two classmates whispering about something, and so I ask them what the hell they're doing. They said they were trying to guess who had stolen two iPhone 4's from the teacher a few days ago. I told them it was probably one of the kids who had been pulled aside last week because their bags smelled like drugs. We had had a K9 unit do random searches at the school that day. Anyways, they agreed, and proceeded to tell me how the phones were found. Wanna know how? No? Okay.
So, I got nothing done in 2nd. I find it very hard to concentrate in that class. Probably because of how crazy it is. Sometime during it I had to leave to use the restroom, and when I was walking out, I saw someone I knew, and they looked quite startled to see me at school. We exchanged greetings and continued on our separate ways. After class, I saw said person again walking by, and my thoughts started to get riled up, because, did I mention, this person was my ex, and I'm still dealing with shit in my own head concerning her. So, I got on the bus and tried to calm down, but my thoughts wouldn't shut down or at least settle, and so by the time we got back to the normal school, I had to stop and breathe in the cold air for a minute to try to ease the burning in my chest. It barely helped. So when I sat down to wait for the bell to go to third, I couldn't handle hearing my ex and friend anymore. It was causing too many feelings and a mosh pit of emotions in my chest. I did the only thing I could do in that situation. I plugged in my headphones and blasted music at max volume to blow out the world.
I'm not sure how to explain it, doing what I do should cause me more pain than help, because of sensory issues, but in a way it numbs things a bit. It helps me cope by something being so loud right in my ears that it stops me from thinking too deeply or too much. Even now thinking back on today is causing things to go badly again in my mind. But yeah, I just sat there, put my head down, closed my eyes, and focused on the music. Unfortunately, I could still feel, and what I felt were the vibrations from the table. They piqued my interest, making me want to turn and see who was making them and why. I knew the who already, but I still wanted to know the why. But I resisted, because I couldn't handle any more pain of looking at her.
Some of you are probably wondering something along the lines of "Then why don't you just get up and find another table, walk away, stop being around her so much." Because her and another dude, I shall refer to him as L, are the only two friends I can be around for the first half of the day, and while it's painful, it's more painful to be alone. I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't. I went through enough loneliness in elementary and middle. I don't want to go back, and no amount of pain now will make me go back to that pain. It's scary, thinking about being all alone again. I think that that scares me more than dying. L, if you are continuously reading my blog, please don't talk to E about any of this. This is private, even if it's on the web, it's still an anonymous thing, so I don't want this affecting real life.
So, when the bell finally rang, I practically ran out of there, barreling through most people to get away from them. I blasted my music as long as I could before I had to put it away. I had to get through the next two classes without music and without breaking. Not breaking down, but breaking. To put it abstractly, my ability to keep my anger under control, and not release it on people that don't realize how pissed I am, it's like a piece of metal. A metal pipe or beam, whichever you prefer. It bends, bends some more, and bends some more, but I have to keep adding counter pressure to keep it from snapping, and for all that pent up potential energy to turn into very destructive kinetic energy, I have to keep my cool until I can put on my headphones. I mostly managed to get through the two classes accident free, except for 3rd.
One of my classmates saw how angry I was looking and asked me what was wrong, and I responded in a short and clipped tone for him to leave me alone, that it would be better that way. Instead of just understanding and accepting this, he got upset with me. When I made a comment later in class, he responded in an angry voice "I thought you just want to be left alone, Alex?" It was then I realized I needed to apologize, even if I didn't do anything wrong except warn someone that to avoid me hurting them in any way, they should leave me alone. So I swallowed my pride, and apologized to him, and he seemed to calm down towards me some after that.
I got through 4th with no issue other than concentrating on my work, but I still got my work done, so it was all cool. When 4th ended, I pretty much bolted towards my bus. I was looking forward to sitting next to and talking with the girl who liked me. I run to the bus almost every day, actually, looking back on it. Even though I haven't really examined my feelings for awhile, (it's dangerous for me, cause I could quite honestly break down crying if I do so) maybe I'm fond of this girl, or even like her. I don't know. I'll try to examine my feelings a bit this weekend.
So, bus ride home involved more blaring music, because someone was already sitting next to the girl. I'm just gonna refer to her as the girl, k? k. I kinda wanted to ask the person to move, but I just decided to sit in my normal seat and try to connect to spotify so I could blast more music. When I finally connected, I proceeded to stare out the window blankly for my entire bus ride with headphones in and volume at max. After I got off, I walked inside, found the place trashed by the dogs, with shit everywhere, and then walked up to my room, put spotify on on my computer, turned my speakers up, maxed spotify volume, and played Binding of Isaac: Afterbirth for hours.
Video games and music are my coping mechanisms, but they don't really fix the issue, just mute it. Stimming does the same thing, but on a smaller scale, and it's a lot less potent. The only way I've been able to really cope is by sleeping out the feelings and such. I'm usually feeling better by then.
So, when my dad came home, he had me help him clean up the mess downstairs, and after that, I went back to the world of gaming for a few more hours.
Today's volatile mood was surprising for me. I actually don't have these too often. Sure, I do have to deal with my anxiety, feelings, and sensory issues on a daily basis, but usually I keep them under control enough that I don't have to resort to what I did today. Hopefully, today will be a one-time thing for a while.
That's all for now, night y'all, Alex out. *Jumps through Stargate*
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Girls Are Confusing
So. I would talk about yesterday, but yesterday is kinda private. I know, I know, I've talked about some serious stuff on here, and stuff that would be considered really private by normal people. But for one, I'm not normal, and two, I'm seriously not normal. But that's besides the point, I talk about stuff relating to me, but not private family matters. Which is why I won't talk about yesterday. Suffice to say, yesterday was depressing.
But today. Man, I don't know about today. Today was surprising, shocking, and strange. I woke up to my cat doing the claw thing cats do when they're happy and comfortable, but he was doing it on my head. So I rolled around a lot to get him to stop, but he wouldn't. Eventually I just gave in to what he wanted, which was to get under my blankets and lay next to me. He's weird like that. But shortly after that I had to get up and get ready for the day, and so I did.
The strangeness doesn't end there, though. It's just getting started. I get on the bus and sit in my normal seat. It's chilly and wet, cause of rain, and the heat vent under my seat isn't on, which is strange cause it's usually on when it's cold. But I brush it off and just chill on the ride to school, when all of a sudden, something lands on my head. Now, the only person behind me that morning was a friend two seats back, so I turn and look at her and ask her why she threw something at me. She said she was trying to get my attention, then holds out a note on a scrap of paper. Wondering what the heck was going on, I take it and read it. It was a folded note, and on the front, it said "I'm still grounded." Thinking there had to be more, I flipped it open and, I gotta say, I was honestly astonished when it read on the inside "I like you." And it also had her name and number. This literally shocked me into a state where my face was frozen on an dumbfounded look mixed with a questioning one. I kept looking back at her and the note. When I finally got my wits back, I hopped back to her seat to talk with her.
Now, here's the thing, I've not really thought seriously about if I liked another girl after my ex broke up with me. I've had thoughts, but not serious, mind delving, soul searching thoughts about whether I like a girl or not, but thoughts nonetheless. (still don't understand how that's a word) But I hadn't thought about this girl that way, or thought to think of her that way. So, I went back to talk with her, and I told her I didn't know how I felt, so I would think on it for the day. She was alright with this, and I went back to my seat, but there wasn't an awkward air or anything, thankfully. Things still seemed normal.
So the day went on, I was shocked for about a quarter of it. I did eventually get over my shock, though I was still surprised, because, let's face it, us aspies are queer as hell, and I know that I myself am not that attractive, so I think I had resigned myself to never having a girl like me, always having to chase after a girl myself. I think that's why I was so astonished. Anyways, I talk with some of my friends, get conflicting advice, decide to ignore all of it and think about what to do myself. Went through the day. Dealt with crap. Nothing new, really. Unless you want me to go over my classes extensively, of course. I think the most exciting thing today was going to sleep in math class. No, I'm not a slacker, (anymore) being sick makes me really extra fatigued, so twice now I've fallen asleep in math. The other time was yesterday, actually.
So, near the end of the day, on my way to 4th, I stop by a friend to get my mostly daily hug from her, (she gives good hugs) but she was looking sad, and didn't hug me. So, I did what I do best. I threw off my facade for a moment, and acted like myself. I think I managed to make her smile a bit and comfort her, but I couldn't for too long because 1) I had to get to class and 2) She has incredibly soft hands, so soft that they set off my sensory issues with light touches, which I usually have a fairly high tolerance of. I hope I helped her, but I don't think it did much, if at all really. Tomorrow, I'm gonna give her one of my signature hugs, which, if you ask anyone who's gotten a real hug from me, they'll tell you to not let me hug them, as they hurt :p
Okay, end of the school day, I rush to the bus because I'm excited, and it's what I always do when I'm excited and nervous. I get on the bus, and I'm like one of the only high schoolers on it at the moment in time, I got there so fast. I wait for the girl who gave me the note to get on the bus, and when she does, I type out to her that I would like to go on a couple dates with her to see how I feel, and she said okay to that. I had to type it out cause there were people around and I didn't want to talk out loud for people to hear our conversation.
So, I get home, had to do some chores, which involved taking out the trash, doing the litter box for the cats, and picking up the dog shit in the house. Fun. Then I got the DLC for Binding of Isaac: Rebirth, which is called Binding of Isaac: Afterbirth, and spent most of my day playing that, after doing my homework of course!
You know, the thing I'm wondering is, how are people liking this blog? Do you readers feel like my point of view as a teen with Asperger's Syndrome is helping? Is it just fun to read about my strange days and strange past? Please, someone comment and tell me. Eight or so posts, and no comments is strange!
Well, that's it for now, peace y'all, Alex out.
But today. Man, I don't know about today. Today was surprising, shocking, and strange. I woke up to my cat doing the claw thing cats do when they're happy and comfortable, but he was doing it on my head. So I rolled around a lot to get him to stop, but he wouldn't. Eventually I just gave in to what he wanted, which was to get under my blankets and lay next to me. He's weird like that. But shortly after that I had to get up and get ready for the day, and so I did.
The strangeness doesn't end there, though. It's just getting started. I get on the bus and sit in my normal seat. It's chilly and wet, cause of rain, and the heat vent under my seat isn't on, which is strange cause it's usually on when it's cold. But I brush it off and just chill on the ride to school, when all of a sudden, something lands on my head. Now, the only person behind me that morning was a friend two seats back, so I turn and look at her and ask her why she threw something at me. She said she was trying to get my attention, then holds out a note on a scrap of paper. Wondering what the heck was going on, I take it and read it. It was a folded note, and on the front, it said "I'm still grounded." Thinking there had to be more, I flipped it open and, I gotta say, I was honestly astonished when it read on the inside "I like you." And it also had her name and number. This literally shocked me into a state where my face was frozen on an dumbfounded look mixed with a questioning one. I kept looking back at her and the note. When I finally got my wits back, I hopped back to her seat to talk with her.
Now, here's the thing, I've not really thought seriously about if I liked another girl after my ex broke up with me. I've had thoughts, but not serious, mind delving, soul searching thoughts about whether I like a girl or not, but thoughts nonetheless. (still don't understand how that's a word) But I hadn't thought about this girl that way, or thought to think of her that way. So, I went back to talk with her, and I told her I didn't know how I felt, so I would think on it for the day. She was alright with this, and I went back to my seat, but there wasn't an awkward air or anything, thankfully. Things still seemed normal.
So the day went on, I was shocked for about a quarter of it. I did eventually get over my shock, though I was still surprised, because, let's face it, us aspies are queer as hell, and I know that I myself am not that attractive, so I think I had resigned myself to never having a girl like me, always having to chase after a girl myself. I think that's why I was so astonished. Anyways, I talk with some of my friends, get conflicting advice, decide to ignore all of it and think about what to do myself. Went through the day. Dealt with crap. Nothing new, really. Unless you want me to go over my classes extensively, of course. I think the most exciting thing today was going to sleep in math class. No, I'm not a slacker, (anymore) being sick makes me really extra fatigued, so twice now I've fallen asleep in math. The other time was yesterday, actually.
So, near the end of the day, on my way to 4th, I stop by a friend to get my mostly daily hug from her, (she gives good hugs) but she was looking sad, and didn't hug me. So, I did what I do best. I threw off my facade for a moment, and acted like myself. I think I managed to make her smile a bit and comfort her, but I couldn't for too long because 1) I had to get to class and 2) She has incredibly soft hands, so soft that they set off my sensory issues with light touches, which I usually have a fairly high tolerance of. I hope I helped her, but I don't think it did much, if at all really. Tomorrow, I'm gonna give her one of my signature hugs, which, if you ask anyone who's gotten a real hug from me, they'll tell you to not let me hug them, as they hurt :p
Okay, end of the school day, I rush to the bus because I'm excited, and it's what I always do when I'm excited and nervous. I get on the bus, and I'm like one of the only high schoolers on it at the moment in time, I got there so fast. I wait for the girl who gave me the note to get on the bus, and when she does, I type out to her that I would like to go on a couple dates with her to see how I feel, and she said okay to that. I had to type it out cause there were people around and I didn't want to talk out loud for people to hear our conversation.
So, I get home, had to do some chores, which involved taking out the trash, doing the litter box for the cats, and picking up the dog shit in the house. Fun. Then I got the DLC for Binding of Isaac: Rebirth, which is called Binding of Isaac: Afterbirth, and spent most of my day playing that, after doing my homework of course!
You know, the thing I'm wondering is, how are people liking this blog? Do you readers feel like my point of view as a teen with Asperger's Syndrome is helping? Is it just fun to read about my strange days and strange past? Please, someone comment and tell me. Eight or so posts, and no comments is strange!
Well, that's it for now, peace y'all, Alex out.
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Tired. So Tired.
Okay, long day, really late and really tired.
I am going to give a brief description of today, and will go in more in depth tomorrow, because tonight I need to sleep, and I'm really tired.
Basically, some feelings appeared and some stuff happened, so today has been really, really, really sad. I won't talk about some of it because it's private family stuff, but I'll talk about the stuff directly related to me in the next post. Sorry people who were looking forward to today's post.
Night y'all, Alex out.
I am going to give a brief description of today, and will go in more in depth tomorrow, because tonight I need to sleep, and I'm really tired.
Basically, some feelings appeared and some stuff happened, so today has been really, really, really sad. I won't talk about some of it because it's private family stuff, but I'll talk about the stuff directly related to me in the next post. Sorry people who were looking forward to today's post.
Night y'all, Alex out.
Monday, November 2, 2015
I Hate Being Sick And Cute Cat Pictures
Hey guys and gals, sorry for the late night post, I should have posted earlier, but eh, I was being lazy :p (and I'm re-addicted to Bloons Tower Defense 5)
So, I have noticed that I start most of my sentences with "so". I don't know why, but that's just how I do.
Okay, today wasn't fun. At all. I woke up at 2:30 something A.M. to dogs barking, a baby screaming, and my music playing on my phone way too loud. Oh and I was choking on my own mucus. Yeah, best way to wake up, eh? Anyways, I have to lean over my bed almost immediately and force myself to cough the blockage out, and then I'm sitting there not wanting to go back to sleep because I didn't want to die from choking in my sleep, so I texted my friend and we talked for a bit before she told me to go to sleep cause I needed the rest. So I did, but I stayed home from school because I was just that sick.
I woke up a few hours later with a pounding headache, feeling lightheaded, throat hurting, having to cough up another blockage, and clogged nostrils, so I dealt with this for a few hours before I was told to take my temperature and take some migraine relief. My temp was 97.4 at the time and the migraine relief helped immensely, but I was told to lay back down, which I did... for about fifteen minutes before I got too bored and got on my computer and gamed.
I've gone through most of a roll of toilet paper today with having to blow my nose. In my opinion, using rolls of toilet paper is more cost efficient than tissues, but that's just me.
I've still coughed up a bunch of crap through out the day, but hopefully it won't be as bad tomorrow, otherwise I'll stay home again. That is if my throat is clogging up and all the stuff from today happens again.
So, story time. Last I left off, I talked about school life in my first elementary school, but I didn't finish off my home life of before I moved. I'm gonna try to keep it brief because I really don't like dwelling on certain parts of this.
I lived in a double couldesac neighborhood. By that, I mean you turned onto one street, then it branched off in a fork, each street leading to a couldesac circle thingy. There were only a few kids in my side of the neighborhood, one took advantage of my naivety and intense want for friends and often blamed things on me, or had me do really stupid stuff and then blamed it all on me. Another was sort of neutral towards me, sort of my friend until just before I moved, in which I had gotten into a fight with her.
At some point, probably half way through 3rd grade, a new kid had moved into the neighborhood, he was in 6th grade I think, so I idolized him, as little kids do the older ones. But again, my naivety and intense want and need for friends screwed me over, and blinded me to the fact that this kid was an asshole. The proof of this was when I went to a high school football game with him and his older brother and when I walked away for a few minutes to chat with some classmates (my classmates weren't nasty and mean to me all the time, just most of the time) I went back and they weren't where they had said they were gonna be, and after panicking for a few minutes, I did what I was told to do in such situations. I went and got a police officer to help me out. He took me home, though how I managed to remember my address at that age, I don't know, since I still manage to forget it even now.
I didn't learn until last year that they had left me there on purpose, though. One of my sisters had run into them and they had laughed and told her how they left me there on purpose. So yeah, grade A asshole right there. One shouldn't hold grudges or go out of their way for revenge, but if I ever run into that dude, I will immediately punch him in the mouth and promptly walk away.
I'm gonna finish off 3rd grade home life in tomorrows post, because there are a lot of details to talk about, and I don't want to drag this post on for too long.
Well, this is Alex, signing out, peace y'all (here's a special treat for those who stick around to read all my posts)
So, I have noticed that I start most of my sentences with "so". I don't know why, but that's just how I do.
Okay, today wasn't fun. At all. I woke up at 2:30 something A.M. to dogs barking, a baby screaming, and my music playing on my phone way too loud. Oh and I was choking on my own mucus. Yeah, best way to wake up, eh? Anyways, I have to lean over my bed almost immediately and force myself to cough the blockage out, and then I'm sitting there not wanting to go back to sleep because I didn't want to die from choking in my sleep, so I texted my friend and we talked for a bit before she told me to go to sleep cause I needed the rest. So I did, but I stayed home from school because I was just that sick.
I woke up a few hours later with a pounding headache, feeling lightheaded, throat hurting, having to cough up another blockage, and clogged nostrils, so I dealt with this for a few hours before I was told to take my temperature and take some migraine relief. My temp was 97.4 at the time and the migraine relief helped immensely, but I was told to lay back down, which I did... for about fifteen minutes before I got too bored and got on my computer and gamed.
I've gone through most of a roll of toilet paper today with having to blow my nose. In my opinion, using rolls of toilet paper is more cost efficient than tissues, but that's just me.
I've still coughed up a bunch of crap through out the day, but hopefully it won't be as bad tomorrow, otherwise I'll stay home again. That is if my throat is clogging up and all the stuff from today happens again.
So, story time. Last I left off, I talked about school life in my first elementary school, but I didn't finish off my home life of before I moved. I'm gonna try to keep it brief because I really don't like dwelling on certain parts of this.
I lived in a double couldesac neighborhood. By that, I mean you turned onto one street, then it branched off in a fork, each street leading to a couldesac circle thingy. There were only a few kids in my side of the neighborhood, one took advantage of my naivety and intense want for friends and often blamed things on me, or had me do really stupid stuff and then blamed it all on me. Another was sort of neutral towards me, sort of my friend until just before I moved, in which I had gotten into a fight with her.
At some point, probably half way through 3rd grade, a new kid had moved into the neighborhood, he was in 6th grade I think, so I idolized him, as little kids do the older ones. But again, my naivety and intense want and need for friends screwed me over, and blinded me to the fact that this kid was an asshole. The proof of this was when I went to a high school football game with him and his older brother and when I walked away for a few minutes to chat with some classmates (my classmates weren't nasty and mean to me all the time, just most of the time) I went back and they weren't where they had said they were gonna be, and after panicking for a few minutes, I did what I was told to do in such situations. I went and got a police officer to help me out. He took me home, though how I managed to remember my address at that age, I don't know, since I still manage to forget it even now.
I didn't learn until last year that they had left me there on purpose, though. One of my sisters had run into them and they had laughed and told her how they left me there on purpose. So yeah, grade A asshole right there. One shouldn't hold grudges or go out of their way for revenge, but if I ever run into that dude, I will immediately punch him in the mouth and promptly walk away.
I'm gonna finish off 3rd grade home life in tomorrows post, because there are a lot of details to talk about, and I don't want to drag this post on for too long.
Well, this is Alex, signing out, peace y'all (here's a special treat for those who stick around to read all my posts)
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Boy Like A Shadow and Elementary: Heaven or Hell?
So, today was rather boring. It's a weekend, and I don't do much on weekends. I spent the day playing video games, well, a video game, really. League of Legends. Fun game, but I'm terrible at it.
Okay, so here's a thing about me. If I just sit quietly, don't do a thing, most people will ignore me, forget about me, not even notice me. I don't really know why. I don't know if it's just something in my physical appearance, or if I'm giving off a non verbal signal that people just pick up and it tells them to leave me alone. I don't know. So I could probably go an entire week without any of my friends seeing me, and they most likely wouldn't notice. You would think that having patches of silver hair would make me more noticeable too, ya know? And no, it isn't dyed, my hair is naturally going grey/silver. If I want to talk to anyone, I often have to initiate a conversation, no one ever initiates conversations with me in person. Through texting, a few people try to talk to me, but in real life, in the real world, it simply doesn't happen as far as I can remember. And after some of my past, you would think "Oh, this is just what you wanted." Or "Now people won't bother you." But really, I wanted the jerks to leave me alone, but not the people I actually wanted to converse with. I guess I'll elaborate more on my past.
I think in this post, I'll elaborate on school life, though in the next one I'll talk about home life some more.
In 3rd grade, I moved to an entirely different neighborhood, far away from the one from 1st and 2nd grade. Same school though. Now, school for me was just plain torture. Hell. Not, in any way, healthy for me. Due to my undiagnosed Asperger's Syndrome (at the time) I was pretty much what the school would consider a trouble maker. I had, as I mentioned in the last post, one 'friend' and nothing else. Kindergarten wasn't really any issue, most of us were too young to like or dislike each other. But in 1st grade, that's where my exile started. Due to all the stuff AS causes, I couldn't socialize very well. I was quickly turned into the black sheep in the herd of white sheep. The odd one out. The scapegoat for all the problems, the outlet for all the bullys to practice their insults and hazing on, then act like angels when I lost my cool. And believe me, I did lose my cool a lot. I was an easy target, and even easier to blame things on, so I spent a lot of time in the principals office during recess, or standing on a hill, as during 3rd grade, that was the punishment.
One incident I remember fairly vividly is that I was playing tag with the other kids (they weren't so cruel as to leave me out of the playground games (at first at least)) and I went down this big blue swirly slide after another kid and when I got to the bottom he was still there and my foot connected with his head. Now of course I was extremely sorry, but that didn't matter to the other kids, all that mattered to them was that I hurt their friend, and they were saying I did it on purpose. At which point I lost it and tackled the biggest one and took his ass down. I of course got in trouble while the other kids didn't, but that doesn't matter. I think it was at this point that I started to get excluded from the playground games by the other kids.
There was this one other time I was playing around on the playground and I tried to slide down this pole, but I completely missed it and fell down, and it went by so fast I didn't even have time to react, I was knocked out cold for a few minutes (I think) when a random girl I had never seen before checked to see if I was alright. She woke me up, then walked off.
I despised going to school so much that I often faked a cough or tried to puke so that I wouldn't have to go. Elementary was not a happy time for me.
At some point, I was completely ignored and excluded from playground games, and I always just sort of wandered around aimlessly while waiting for the day to end. I really don't remember much of elementary. The way I see it, I wasn't truly aware of my actions and really rational thought until around 6th grade, and before then I was sort of on an auto pilot, slowly getting more aware up until previously stated 6th grade. Side philosophical topic aside, shortly before I moved away, and just before the school year ended, a new kid arrived.
Imagine my excitement when I see this new kid, who has no preconceived opinions of me, be friendly to me. This kid, whose name I think was Tanner or something like that. It had a T in it. Anyways, this kid was my first true friend. I was only friends with him for a week or two, and maybe he forgot about me really easily, but this kid was one of the reasons that I found hope that I could make friends.
Just as 3rd grade ends, I move to a new state, Florida. I'll continue talking about Elementary in tomorrow's post, unless something happens in which I need to talk about. I'll get around to home life more, don't worry ;)
Alright, that's all for now y'all, Alex out.
Okay, so here's a thing about me. If I just sit quietly, don't do a thing, most people will ignore me, forget about me, not even notice me. I don't really know why. I don't know if it's just something in my physical appearance, or if I'm giving off a non verbal signal that people just pick up and it tells them to leave me alone. I don't know. So I could probably go an entire week without any of my friends seeing me, and they most likely wouldn't notice. You would think that having patches of silver hair would make me more noticeable too, ya know? And no, it isn't dyed, my hair is naturally going grey/silver. If I want to talk to anyone, I often have to initiate a conversation, no one ever initiates conversations with me in person. Through texting, a few people try to talk to me, but in real life, in the real world, it simply doesn't happen as far as I can remember. And after some of my past, you would think "Oh, this is just what you wanted." Or "Now people won't bother you." But really, I wanted the jerks to leave me alone, but not the people I actually wanted to converse with. I guess I'll elaborate more on my past.
I think in this post, I'll elaborate on school life, though in the next one I'll talk about home life some more.
In 3rd grade, I moved to an entirely different neighborhood, far away from the one from 1st and 2nd grade. Same school though. Now, school for me was just plain torture. Hell. Not, in any way, healthy for me. Due to my undiagnosed Asperger's Syndrome (at the time) I was pretty much what the school would consider a trouble maker. I had, as I mentioned in the last post, one 'friend' and nothing else. Kindergarten wasn't really any issue, most of us were too young to like or dislike each other. But in 1st grade, that's where my exile started. Due to all the stuff AS causes, I couldn't socialize very well. I was quickly turned into the black sheep in the herd of white sheep. The odd one out. The scapegoat for all the problems, the outlet for all the bullys to practice their insults and hazing on, then act like angels when I lost my cool. And believe me, I did lose my cool a lot. I was an easy target, and even easier to blame things on, so I spent a lot of time in the principals office during recess, or standing on a hill, as during 3rd grade, that was the punishment.
One incident I remember fairly vividly is that I was playing tag with the other kids (they weren't so cruel as to leave me out of the playground games (at first at least)) and I went down this big blue swirly slide after another kid and when I got to the bottom he was still there and my foot connected with his head. Now of course I was extremely sorry, but that didn't matter to the other kids, all that mattered to them was that I hurt their friend, and they were saying I did it on purpose. At which point I lost it and tackled the biggest one and took his ass down. I of course got in trouble while the other kids didn't, but that doesn't matter. I think it was at this point that I started to get excluded from the playground games by the other kids.
There was this one other time I was playing around on the playground and I tried to slide down this pole, but I completely missed it and fell down, and it went by so fast I didn't even have time to react, I was knocked out cold for a few minutes (I think) when a random girl I had never seen before checked to see if I was alright. She woke me up, then walked off.
I despised going to school so much that I often faked a cough or tried to puke so that I wouldn't have to go. Elementary was not a happy time for me.
At some point, I was completely ignored and excluded from playground games, and I always just sort of wandered around aimlessly while waiting for the day to end. I really don't remember much of elementary. The way I see it, I wasn't truly aware of my actions and really rational thought until around 6th grade, and before then I was sort of on an auto pilot, slowly getting more aware up until previously stated 6th grade. Side philosophical topic aside, shortly before I moved away, and just before the school year ended, a new kid arrived.
Imagine my excitement when I see this new kid, who has no preconceived opinions of me, be friendly to me. This kid, whose name I think was Tanner or something like that. It had a T in it. Anyways, this kid was my first true friend. I was only friends with him for a week or two, and maybe he forgot about me really easily, but this kid was one of the reasons that I found hope that I could make friends.
Just as 3rd grade ends, I move to a new state, Florida. I'll continue talking about Elementary in tomorrow's post, unless something happens in which I need to talk about. I'll get around to home life more, don't worry ;)
Alright, that's all for now y'all, Alex out.
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