Events of Importance

Today on the way to school, the bus got in an accident. Someone pulled out in front of the bus abruptly and the driver had to slam on the breaks really hard. We were all jerked around a bit, and a few of the middle schoolers were shaken up, but no one was injured. We were all late to school though. The cops were called and not only did the cops arrive, but so did an ambulance and fire truck.

We were stuck there approximately 30 minutes to an hour. Another bus driver came and picked us up, since ours couldn't leave yet. The middle schoolers were dropped off, then us high schoolers, except for three of us who went to Sims in the morning, we were taken there after the apalachee kids got dropped off.

My 2nd period teacher was being a seriously condescending bitch today.

Didn't eat breakfast or lunch, but I did eat dinner.

Spent lunch reading in the library, at least until Emily arrived, at which point I couldn't concentrate (I'll be honest, I could barely concentrate in the first place,) and decided to put my book down and see what Emily was up to. People are constantly trying to complete puzzles and hang them up on walls, so she was working on the in progress one. I helped out a bit, found some pieces, but didn't really accomplish all too much.

Walked back to class with her and generally acted silly. Can't stop smiling around her, most of the time.

In 4th, I was in a really miserable mood, so instead of doing the work assigned, I worked on a story in my writing notebook. Got a few pages done, which I'm rather proud of! Tried to flesh out the characters a bit, give them their own personalities some more.

Bus ride home uneventful.

Spent the hours after I got home finishing the book Ready Player One, amazing book, second time reading it, still makes me smile. Got the post-book blues though.

Turns out my friend who had wanted (and gotten) my permission to pursue Emily only thinks of her as a friend and has been avoiding her. I let him know about my reemerging feelings for her and he told me to go for it, but that it also seemed like she was playing with my feelings. And she may very well be doing just that. But I'm a glutton for punishment, dense as a rock, and want to trust that she isn't doing that, so my plan is to ask her to Prom tomorrow during lunch.

It's kind of- okay, a lot eating me up worrying about it, cause I don't want to ruin our friendship, but I also can't just let this perfect opportunity go to waste and pine over the 'what ifs'!

And now I'm going to sleep.

FEELINGS BE LIKE "F*** YOU AND YOUR COMFORT LEVELS"

So, I'm gonna discuss the past two days and something that I'm currently experiencing... Again.

The subject is feelings. Feelings are strange, irrational, they leave you speechless and tongue-tied. Sad or angry. Happy, excited, full of boundless energy! And especially when those feelings are directed towards a person, but we'll get more on that later.

I'm constantly observing this one group of friends at school. I see many of them multiple times throughout the day, although they've never noticed me either looking at them or if they have, they never commented or confronted. It also seems that they haven't noticed that I pass by them every day at some point. I had been observing one serious (seeming) relationship among them for most of the year, except those two broke up a little while ago, couple months I think.

One of those two immediately started seeing someone else among the group and the other one, he didn't seem too distraught, but neither did he immediately move onto someone else. It astounded me how he could be so casual about it. He didn't seem upset or hurt. It might have been a mutual breakup, of course. But more towards yesterday and today.

Yesterday I had decided to wear my jacket to school, no idea why. Either out of habit or just a whim on the wind. (Oh, that's a good line, I'm gonna remember that!) No matter what made me wear it, it came in handy later that day. It was getting hot that day and I decided to take my jacket off, but I don't like to leave anything I own behind, so along with my phone and headphones, I took my jacket with me. Carried it in the crook between my arm and my shirt, while having my hands in my pockets.

Then my first ex, Emily, ran up next to me. We started talking and chatting, some nonsensical stuff, other topics more important. It varied. Anyways, she gets cold really easily, so after offering my body warmth for a moment or two, (Cause who wouldn't want a hot and beautiful girl cuddled up to them?), I gave her my big and warm jacket to where. Shortly after this I departed for the library and told her that's where she would find me if she needed me.

So, a few minutes later I'm sitting in the library in one of the two comfy chairs, reading a newly checked out book... At least that's what I kept telling myself, even though I was looking up at the doors every few minutes or when I heard it open. In reality, I was waiting for Emily or hoping for her, I should say. I couldn't focus on the book, I kept thinking about Emily! She did show up towards the end of lunch.

She sort of looked into the library shyly, seeing if she could spot me. When she did, she came over and sat on the arm of the chair. She was wearing my jacket which, strangely, pleased me. We talked and chatted again, this time with someone else joining in on the conversation too. At some point she slid onto my LAP and I was both unsure of what to do and also happy with this. Even when the bell rang, I didn't comment cause I didn't wanna move or have to get up. Eventually I did though when the librarian roused us from the conversation by yelling that that had been the bell.

Emily walked with me back to my class, even though she didn't really need to. Outside it, we hugged and after she crushed my side, I returned the favor with my signature bear hug that usually leaves her holding her boobs and giving me a 'Why?!' look, cause she jokes about that hug popping her boobs XD

Onto the next day, switching back to the people who I observe. The girl who had immediately started dating someone else, she was dating another new one, the old dude nowhere in sight, so maybe not quite a mutual breakup this time? Anyways, the guy from the original relationship with the girl, he was dating one of the other friends now, which I honestly wasn't surprised about, it seemed quite likely to happen. I don't know any of their names though, otherwise keeping them sorted would be so much easier.

On a side note of today: I woke up with a head-splitting headache that I had had just before I went to sleep last night. It affected me up until about lunch time, but basically left me disabled and unable to focus on anything for the first two periods.

Fast forwarding to when the lunch bell rings, I purposely walk slowly out of my classroom because I want Emily to run up to me again. Not even lying to myself at this point. Unfortunately, this does not happen and I get to the lunch table I share with two friends, Maia (my first real crush at this school, but also one of my closest friends (I swear to god any of you who know me at this school you better not ever mention this in real life >:|)) and Melissa, a friend of Maia, mostly acquaintance to me.

After somewhere between five to ten minutes of me mostly just sitting there, I announce that I'm going to the library, where I actually try to concentrate on reading this time to try to get Emily out of my head. Of course, my reason for going there in the first place was to wait for her, so there's that...

I succeed in concentrating on the reading for a while, with an occasional relapse in thinking of Emily here and there. That is, until she herself appears and sits on the arm of the chair again, this time near my head, as I was laying across it. She is again wearing my jacket, which still pleases me. We joke around for a bit, but I can't stop staring at her and keep getting romantic thoughts in my head that I can't say out loud.

She actually leaves me tongue-tied sometimes. Literally all I could do was stare at her. She kept asking why I was staring and she was getting more embarrassed and it just made me stare more. I wanted to pull her down into my arms and hold her, but I couldn't do that either. I literally was left speechless and motionless. No way to abstractly describe it.

So, the main topic being feelings, I am developing feelings for her again, as bad an idea as that is. But feelings are irrational and be like "YOU'RE GONNA LIKE THIS PERSON AND YOU'RE GONNA JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT!" I think that's the best way to describe them.

So yeah, that would be the days' events for me. I'm left in the awkward position of wanting to ask her out again, this time to Prom and wanting to just keep things the way they are now, awkward-less and fun.

Cold

Walking through the dark, walking through my life.
Who's shining through the window? Who's a shadow?
Void is my heart, steel are my eyes, rock is skin.
Acting out a play, moving to the beat of society.
Solitude and contentment.
All of this weaves together, it tailors the lives of many.

Shadow

I like to live in a lie. I hide from the world, upstairs, in my room. I don't want to have to deal with people or things. They're annoying and piss me off. They're all hypocrites, irrational, mean, crazy, stupid, and so many other things. But I have to deal with them anyways. You know why? Because I don't have a choice. If it were up to me, I would be living in a cabin, playing video games on my high end computer for the rest of my life. Eating pizza, drinking soda. No worries about talking with others. No worries about hurting others.

Recently, I told many people that I'm not gonna get into anymore relationships in high school. Too much drama. Well, what I didn't tell them was that I'm not going relationships anymore, period. I'm very much out of place in this world and when I try to find a place, I end up hurting others. That's not worth it to me, to find a place. The price is too high. Which is why I want to live alone, in a cabin, and play video games. No human contact. It's very tiring, interacting with others. But more than anything, I just want to be alone. People would be better off without me. And I don't mean that in a suicidal way, I mean that in a learned way.

I'm the support character in others' stories.

I can fade away and people wouldn't be any the wiser.

When people whom I know look back on their time with friends years later, I won't be remembered in any of that.

How might I know that? Cause it already happens quite often. I can walk by close friends in school without them noticing me. It happens all the time. I'm a very forgetful person, and I don't mean that in a first person sense. I mean it in the third person. One time, as a test, I sat in Writer's Block without saying a word to anyone and just wrote. You know what happened? I got skipped over. No one noticed, not even my friends. Even at the friends' parties that I've gone to, I've easily stood on the outside without anyone noticing for a long time. A lot like someone else I know, not personally, but more as an acquaintance.

His name is Mason, and he utterly hates me. And maybe it's cause I act like a complete fucking idiot. Or maybe cause I don't know shit about politics. It could even be because we're so similar. One of the parties for a friend that I went to, he also went to. It was their birthday party. Like me, he was also sort of on the outside. But like me, he also faded real easy from thought. He left the party early without anyone noticing, for quite a while actually.

So, let's face it, I'm a shadow, and shadows burn away to nothing in the light of others.

Nightmares and Revelations

It seems I have a semi-recurring nightmare problem. To elaborate, many times in the past I have had nightmares, some bordering on night terrors, of the aliens from Aliens VS Predator. They don't seem to be triggered by any sort of specific event as far as I can tell. They just happen.

It was last night that I had the most recent one and I only remember bits and pieces of it. For instance, it was at one point in the style of a top down twin-stick shooter. Sort of like Dead Ops Arcade from Black Ops 1. I'm deathly afraid of horror games and such, even though I actually love them.

So the next part that I remember was someone asking/encouraging me to go into a room with a Xenomorph somewhere inside it, but the exactly location was unknown. I flat out refused to. I think that that was the point that I started to wake up at.

When I did escape from the clutches of the nightmare, my first action was to go to my phone and start blasting music from it. That was the only way I was able to calm down and go back to sleep. I think the reason the nightmare started in the first place was because my computer went to sleep in the middle of night, stopping Netflix from playing.

Now that I think about it, I tend to get nightmares when there isn't ambient noise like people talking or music with singing going on. Which is usually why I might play Netflix before I got to sleep. Keeps the dreams away. Just figured that out, if you were wondering.

Expectations

Today and yesterday's topic is expectations. They can be good and they can be bad. Some people expect you to fail miserably, to amount to nothing, to not get anywhere in life. Others expect great things from you, like to be super smart, pass with straight A's, and to be a wealthy businessman (or businesswoman). And then there are the average expectations, like the ones to do house chores or do your homework.

There's a flaw in all of that though. Others expectations shouldn't matter to us, even our families'. We should care about our own expectations and make our decisions based off of those, not others'. When I choose to do my homework or take out the garbage, as examples, I want those to be my expectations about my own character and actions to reflect it. I don't want it to be others expectations I'm acting off of, because those wouldn't be my own uninfluenced choices.

It's impossible to avoid all types of influence. It's gonna happen when you ask for advice or hear about something. But there are some types you can avoid and I'm going to make an effort to avoid those. Because I am fed up with expectations and will act on my own from now on, no more will I listen to others'.

Late Night Admission

Actually, I want to make a second post today, well, technically it's the next day for me. This time, it's about two things: 1. How much I hate it when I eat too much. and 2. How much of a spoiled brat I am, but how I keep that part of myself locked away.

I'm gonna keep this short and sweet though. I easily over eat because I love food and I can't easily tell when exactly I'm full until a little while after eating or until I have over-eaten. Which leads to me eating too much, too often. The fact that I don't eat any healthy foods doesn't help, either.

For the second part, I need to give a bit of an explanation. When my siblings and I were younger, we basically did get what we asked for, at least based on what I remember. Which isn't a whole lot at times. We got McDonalds a bunch, I remember that, but at some point at a rather early age for this kind of thinking, I realized I shouldn't always be asking for stuff. I wanted stuff, sure, but I did somehow have the rational thought to realize that I couldn't and shouldn't get everything I want.

So I simply stopped asking for most things, except for pizza and video games. I did still ask for those, and occasionally still do. But still, since then, I've very much rarely asked for things. My family isn't rich, so it's not like they could've given us everything we asked for anyways.

My point is that I'm still a spoiled brat though. Too many things have given to me, whether I asked for them or not. I keep it under control in most cases, but today/yesterday was a shining example that that side can easily break out if I don't keep it under control and my defenses up.

Ashamed

So, it's probably well known that people with Asperger's Syndrome have meltdowns sometimes. Our emotions can easily get the better of us and we can throw fits, whether they be crying or angry yelling/hitting or we might just shut down entirely. The way I've always seen shutdowns is me being a turtle who needs to hide in the safety of his shell.

Today, I had a meltdown. My defenses were down and I hadn't even noticed it. I wish I had, because I really am ashamed of what I did today. And not just because of my meltdown, but because I've also become fluent in straight-faced lying. It was lunch time and I hadn't brought my own lunch with me today, but I was hoping they would let me charge it on my account and I could bring money the next day. Unfortunately, due to a board policy that I actually did not know about at the time, charging wasn't allowed. (Just in case you don't know what I mean when I say "charging," I mean charging the amount owed on my account so that I could pay it at a later date.) I was at the back of the line and literally the second to last person in line, so when I got up to the register, I wanted to just go sit down and eat.

Unfortunately, that's now how it went. When I put my lunch number in, the lunch lady told me that I didn't have any money in my account, which I already knew, but I lied and said that I didn't know or forgot that I didn't have any money left, due to me bringing my lunch for a few days prior to today based on personal reasons. The lunch lady was apologetic, but told me I had to give my tray back. I was upset and still pissed because of something that had happened earlier in the day, less than half an hour before lunch in fact. As I turned and walked back through the line area, I muttered "bitch" under my breath, which is one of the things I'm extremely ashamed about. It wasn't the lunch lady's fault and even though I didn't know about the school board policy yet, I still shouldn't have taken that out on her, whether she knew I was or not.

So I gave my lunch tray back and felt like crying while also wanting to vent my anger by hitting something. On my way out the doorway of the line, I slammed the book I had been carrying with me into the doorway to vent some of my frustration and anger in a controlled manner, and as I did that the lunch lady called me over and explained the board policy to me. She offered me an alternative lunch, which I knew wouldn't really be lunch, just something to eat, so I refused. Before I left though, the very last person that had been in the line recognized me and gave me two dollars to pay for my lunch.

I tried to refuse, but it was a half-hearted refusal at best. The next point at which I'm ashamed is that he remembered my name, but I, for the life of me, could not remember his. I recognized him, but I did not remember who he was. I really wanted to give him a hug for his act of kindness, but I didn't want to freak him out. So I took the money and got my lunch back, paid for it, and ate it happily.

I hate how much of a liar I am though. It's effortless sometimes and that actually freaks me out. I know when I'm lying too, I don't delude myself into thinking that it's the truth. It should not be this easy to lie. Ever. So yup, that's my post for today, even though there is a lot more I could talk about.

High School is Immature

Okay, to start off, I broke up with my girlfriend. Through events I will detail in future posts and reasons that I figured out on my own, I stopped having feelings for her. They just went away. It was after some serious shit happened. So yeah, Hannah is now my ex-girlfriend and honestly, I'm glad. She was flipping crazy. Not just because she had depression or anxiety, I mean she was actually insane, in an immature way. I should have listened to my friend Maia's advice and never gotten involved with her.

But, that's not the point to this post. "What is?" You might ask. Well, I don't know. I need to get thoughts organized in my head; while I don't like intense order and discipline, like that of the military, I do need some of it to get things done.

I suppose I should vent on the fact that I'm many assignments behind in two classes and it feels like I can't catch up. Which might be why I'm playing video games and not getting the assignments done. Similar to last year, when I got behind on assignments, it became hard to catch up and keep up with the new ones, so I just gave up. That's a terrible habit, to give up when the going gets rough. It's something I need to stop doing. And before anyone mentions it, no, that is not what happened with Hannah. My feelings for her actually did leave.

Anyways, back onto the topic, which is actually school. I'm failing two of my classes because of those assignments that I am behind on. I need to get them done, but I just keep getting sucked into the world of video games. Especially games like Dragon Age: Inquisition. Of course, I am very self-aware and consciously made the decision to play the game in the first place, knowing I would lose hours of my time because I started playing it. I could have easily refused to play and just gone upstairs and done my homework. But I didn't. I chose the easy way out, which was to ignore the issue and play video games.

I really need to keep up with things better. For example, I need to get supplies for another art project that we're going to be started very soon, but I don't have any of the materials yet. I also don't have assignments done that I need done for my financial literacy class, which, by the way, has a higher workload than my AP World History class last year had. I also need to talk to a teacher about classes for next year and need to update this blog more.

So, overall, I have things to work on, but getting into the habit of doing homework and updating my blog frequently is my first step. I'm sorry I've been so inactive, but I'm definitely going to do it more. Got spring break coming up next week, so when it hits, I'm going to finish all the past updates that I've missed out on if I haven't already got them done by then. Oh, and shout out to my most dedicated reader RickyPine (that's his name on Wattpad, go look him up, he's awesome) for always reading my posts :)

This is an unfinished building near Central Florida by I-4. (I think that stands for Interstate 4?) It's been unfinished for probably close to a decade. That's my procrastination level.