I LIVE!

See, I am alive. Just had a lot on my plate recently and some stuff was too fresh to talk about. But I am feeling a lot better now and I've gotten over a bunch of stuff this winter break.

So first off, I'd like to explain what's been going on in my life recently. On the 18th of December, it was the last day of school for the semester, and thus the second half of the day was cancelled, leaving just first and second period for people to get their exams done. So after screwing around for my first two classes, cause I didn't actually have any exams to take for those, cause we had either gotten them over with already, or no one really cared about them.

Turns out, this girl in my first period who I had thought hated my freaking guts, well, she was actually really competitive and considered me a friend. She told me she got competitive with the smartest people in her classes, specifically. I was kind of dumbstruck for a good ten or so minutes. Here I was thinking that she had honestly hated me. Needless to say, I got her number and got to know her a bit, and it turns out, unsurprisingly actually, that she's a really cool person. She has a boyfriend who's technically not her boyfriend, even though they act like a couple a lot. She's just really cool.

Anyways, my science teacher also brought his dog to school, which was pretty cool to. After getting back to my home high school, I hung out with my Emily, my ex. I think it'll be fine to mention first names, and honestly, it's getting tiring labeling people so you know who I'm talking about, so I'd rather just say their first names, unless they don't want me to, then I'll give them a blog nickname. But onward! I hung out with her for like ten minutes when we got back, then started skipping around the cafeteria, where all the students were being held. Yes, skipping. I skipped like two laps around the place. I got some very funny looks, but I was hyper, so what can I say?

Eventually, they let us into the gym, where they were going to keep people until they were either checked out or the buses came. I was on the bored side, so at first I sat down with Emily and her friends, then I walked around to try to find my friend Elijah, but he was nowhere to be found at that moment. So I went back to Emily and party, but there wasn't anywhere to sit. So I sat in someones lap. "Whose?" You might wonder, and I'll tell you! It was this guy named Jordan whose lap I sat in. And I don't mean on his knee, I mean full on his lap. Sat there for a minute or two before he couldn't handle it anymore XD That was a fun one! I wish I had had a picture taken for memories' sake, and so I could post it on here.

But it wasn't all fun and games. Eventually my super excited feeling ebbed a bit, so I walked off to find a place to sit, charge my phone, and rest. Turns out, the spot I knew of that had the wall outlet also had Elijah in it. He was with his girlfriend and I don't remember if I said hi or not, I think they were having a sweet moment and I didn't want to interrupt, so I walked over to the dark corner and sat down, to wait for my phone to charge, and to observe others. What I observed was a group of people setting up a ping pong table to play on. Emily inevitable went over to play some, and so I had gone from absentmindedly observing others to observing the object of my affections. I kept thinking to myself "Look over here and notice me." I was sad and lonely at this point. I wanted Emily to come over and talk to me, I wished for it, and eventually she did. But as the warning goes, "Be careful what you wish for,"

When she noticed me, she came over and as best I can remember said "Jeeze Alex, you look like a creep." And then walked under the bleachers a bit. After a minute or two she went back to playing Ping Pong or some shit, I don't know, I was too busy sitting there trying to keep myself from falling apart. I know that I can be creepy at times, and don't even mind being creepy on purpose to either entertain others or myself, but when the person you have feelings for calls you a creep, well, it's a whole new ball game

I failed in keeping myself from falling apart, I just slowed it down some. I started crying, plain and simple. I sat there, hiding under my jacket, and I ****ing wept. It hurt being called a creep, and the combined feelings of sadness, loneliness, and hurt overwhelmed me. I have no idea how long I sat there, but eventually my best guy friend in this state, that being Elijah, noticed me under my jacket, so after throwing an orange at me and getting no reaction, he came over and pulled it off me, seeing that I was crying, he forced me to look up at him as he gave me a hug and made me tell him what was wrong.

After telling him what was wrong, he had me (or I decided so myself, can't remember which) go to the restroom to get my face cleaned up. After wiping my face up as best I could, I went to the restroom, which in the gym was also the boy's locker room, to splash water on my face, blow my nose, and generally clean up. This guy from my math class who I had a general disdain for happened to be in there, getting changed for some sport or something, and he noticed that I was crying. He went from talking with his friends to being concerned for me so fast that it kind of stunned me. After telling him that the girl I liked had called me a creep, he was like "I'm sorry, I can't beat up a girl for you." Like, if it was a guy that had been the reason I was crying, he was completely prepared to go beat them up for me. I felt and feel ashamed for judging Dalton the way I had been. After chuckling a bit, I thanked him for his concern (I'm pretty sure I did, at least.) and proceeded to wash my face off and clean up.

After exiting the locker room, I go over and play some ping pong myself for a bit, but the other person leaves and since I'm left alone there, I just set the paddle down and try to find something to do. Everything after exiting the locker room is kind of a blur, and I can't chronologically place a certain event either. At some point in this whole mess of things, I had been around Emily and her friends, and wanted to tell them about something really embarrassing that I did to Emily a week or so before, but Emily threatened to fight me if I did so, so I wrapped my arms around her and forcefully held her in a playful way while I tried to start my story. But she thrashed, bit, and eventually screamed, and that was when I realized she was actually freaking out. I immediately let her go and walked away, waiting until my dad arrived to check me out. As I was walking towards the exit to the gym, I found Emily and apologized to her. I hadn't realized until she screamed that she wasn't just playing around. You might think the biting would have been the tell, but she usually likes to bite anyways, so that's why I couldn't tell from that. Anyways, she forgave me and that was that for the day.

I'll continue this in another post tomorrow night, because at this point this is kinda long!

Night y'all, Alex out!

Trapped

Trapped by my own heart,

My feelings a prison,

The walls of my emotions,

Built like steel.

The warden is she,

Locked me up,

Swallowed the key,

Laughed merrily at my pleas.

Yeah, So Love Sucks and Rocks, Oh, and Night Terrors

I said in a comment on one of my favorite authors' stories on Wattpad (I'll leave a link at the end of the post leading to his Wattpad, he's awesome!) that I was actually jealous of his characters who had developing relationships or ones that were deepening, and it's true, I am. I'm also jealous of my friends with relationships and deepening ones. Why? Because I long for that, but the girl who I fell in love with, and never fully got over, and who I'm probably stupidly falling for again, through my own decision and fault, too, never reciprocated my feelings the first time. And probably won't this time! But I'm a glutton for punishment it seems, and a hopeless romantic to boot.

I mean I fell in love with her, to put it simply. It wasn't spontaneous either, I literally fell for her over a year and a half, approximately. She's fun to be around, the only person I can truly come out of my shell with. I don't have to be like I have been with her. I can be hyper and talkative, silly, mischievous, all the things I used to be, before shit like Florida happened. You should all have seen me as a kid, I always had something to say, always wanted to do something. Active and happy I was. But over time, I lost those qualities and became more of how I am normally.

Today, it was actually quite tiring to be so exuberant and upbeat, but incredibly fun too. I wish I was like that all the time. Although, I was remarkably more confident acting today than other days previously, which is strange, but not altogether a bad thing. I need some confidence in myself, now more than ever.

On another note, I had a night terror today, while I was napping after school. I won't go into details, cause I don't want to start crying, but let's discuss how I woke up.

I woke up in a cold sweat, with a pins in needles feeling along my body, except multiplied by a hundred and every little touch and movement made it worse. Since aspies tend to have sensitive to touch skin in the first place, this was just borderline painful for me. Instead of sitting up and screaming or yelling, when I have the rare night terror, I lock up in the fetal position and go dead silent. It takes a few minutes for me to unlock and move, but I didn't get up for probably a solid ten to thirty minutes. I just lay there quietly.

Now, I can probably count the amount of night terrors I've had on one hand, but those are just the ones I remember. I may have had plenty more, but I've just forgotten them, who knows? I tend to forget a lot of the stuff I dream, so it's fairly plausible.

I don't really have much to say right now about this. Maybe I'll be able to talk about this at some later point, but for now, there's only a few people I can talk about this with.

Night y'all. Hope you all have non night terror filled nights.

Author is RickyPine @ https://www.wattpad.com/user/RickyPine

Hey Princess

So, there's something to be said about people that have never fallen in love. It's that they truly don't know nor can they understand how it feels to fall in love with someone, have them reject you, try to get yourself over them, and then try to be friends with them months later (years for some people). It's something I accepted early on, that I wouldn't be able to completely annihilate my feelings for my ex, due to the fact I fell for her that deeply. And let's put aside the skepticism that teenagers can or can not fall in love for now. Well, I'm friends with her, and having actual conversations, and she invited me to her birthday party, I even asked her if I was invited, cause she hadn't formally told me so. Her reaction was a little explosive, exclaiming at me why wouldn't she invite me? I didn't want to tell her that I figured I wasn't cause she hadn't said anything, because it's hard revealing my insecurities to anyone. Especially her.

I'm a little off-track with that first paragraph though. The point of this is that since I started talking with my ex again, I've felt heartsick. You might think that emotions can't effect your physical well-being that much, but oh how you would be wrong. I have been longing to hold her, to touch her, to kiss her, stuff that I can't do, because I'm just a friend. I want to be more confident, to be able to walk tall and proud. Today, she was leaning against the doorway of her 4th and I didn't realize until later that would have been a perfect moment for me to step up to her, lean over her with both my arms beside her head, then abruptly move away and walk to my class like nothing had happened. Of course, that also would have taken courage that I don't possess to do.

My emotional state affects my physical one. If I'm not confident, I'll have a hunched over, timid walk. If I am heartsick and depressed, then I'll be wearing my black jacket, look a bit on the unemotional side, and generally avoid talking with people. If I'm happy, I'll walk upright and slightly confident, maybe skip down the halls a bit if I'm happy enough. But that's the gist of it. So what kind of emotional state would it take for me to pull off the confident bad boy routine? Probably some sort of anger or frustration, mixed in with just raw confidence, which is something I don't get often, but that I have had before.

I actually just had a brilliant idea. From now on, whenever I'm talking to my ex, I'm going to refer to her as princess in an annoying way, just to get under her skin. Usually I just take her beanie and walk off a bit, but I think that something new is required!

So, why haven't I updated in awhile? Things have been kind of boring, nothing too new in my life has happened much, other than that I'm nearing finals for this semester and my dealing with my ex.

Another thing, if anyone ever wonders if Aspies can flirt, we can. I can flirt, though I do it in a rather particular, and probably confusing, way.

I'm gonna post a little more frequently, but for now, I don't have much else to talk about.

What it's Like Being Stuck Inside the Head of an AS Teen That is Near Breaking Point

Honestly, right now I'm almost at my most unstable since middle school. I'm having violent thoughts, I'm moody, lonely, and feel like crying, but I can't, because if I cry that means I'll be exposing myself to possible taunting and bullying and I can't do that, I can't show weakness, not even when I'm alone. I had three different scenarios in my head today about attacking this stupid freshman on my bus, another about four ROTC kids trying to gang up on me, another concering some ROTC dudes, and I'm just sick of it. I hate being in my head. I want out. I don't know how to get out though. I refuse to ever commit suicide, as that's a permanent escape, but the end of my life, and I have too much to live for. I'm hurting right now, for various reasons. Because of my violent thoughts, because of me having to hurt someone else emotionally through rejection, because I'm lonely and want what I see some of the couples at my school have, which is a deep caring for each other, love. My sensory issues in my 4th certainly don't help, having my head ringing every day, but not wanting to put headphones in because if I do it enough, it'll attract the wrong sort of attention from the wrong sort of people, at least so I fear. One of my best friends says I need to reset, to hang out with someone, get out of the house and get out of my head. It's not so simple though, it would be hard for a normal person, I think, but for someone with AS, it's even harder I feel. I don't know some people have coped, but I had to learn to be constantly aware of my surroundings and analyze people to learn to socialize and survive. So just shutting something I've done for years down isn't so easy, and won't allow me escape that easily. I miss the days where I could maybe just blindly play video games, not caring about whether I was good or not, just play and have fun. The only thing that I can do that stops me from thinking is when I get extremely lust filled, but I don't want to use sex as an escape, because that's just a band-aid, temporary, not going to fix anything in the long run. I learned to make myself this way, to lock my emotions into a safe, throw them in a void, not cry, analyze and learn, undoing all of this is hard, I don't even know if it's possible, honestly. The only time I feel better is a day or so after I've had a real good crying, the ugly kind of crying I mean, but as I said before, I've forced myself to not cry, so I can't cry easily. I believe I mentioned this in the last post somewhat, but the last time I had a good cry like that was when I last thought about suicide, which was months ago. The time before that was when I was still with my now ex, after the first football scrimmage game, during which our schools' band had done their stuff and such, and she being in band, I went there to support her and stuff, but for most of it I felt really lonely and the times I got to see her, she didn't want to be close to me at all, which had hurt, using the excuse that it was really hot, but then I see her sitting really close, like, REALLY CLOSE to this other dude in the bleachers in the band area and I didn't think about it consciously at the time, but I think I recognized sub-consciously that she really didn't like me and that our relationship was basically over and that this dude she was sitting with, she liked. On the way home, my brother having picked me up, I just broke down crying, cause I had hit a breaking point with all my stress, worries, fears, and insecurities pushing me towards that point. And the next person she dated was indeed that guy from the bleachers, so that was a thing. Anyways, this week has just been a whole crap shoot of stuff building up to this point, this point where I either break or break. There's no make it in this scenario. Not for me at least. With normal people, it would seem like maybe this is coming out of nowhere, but for people who either know about AS or know people with AS, or people who have AS, they'll understand that tiny things can build up and up for us, until we hit that meltdown point.

Goodbye, For Now.

It's been a bit since I last posted, and I do in no way apologize :D But actually, nothing much has gone on, except a lot.

Okay okay, I'll give it to you straight. I "dated" the girl for a week, then on Sunday she came over to hang out and things almost immediately took a sexual turn, we went further than either of us were ready for, and she left a note saying she still liked me, but wasn't ready for a boyfriend. I took Monday to keep to myself and think. And so I did. I thought and thought, examined, figured out, and came up with some things.

First is that I don't actually have feelings for the girl. Or if I did, the hurt of some stuff that was said on Sunday wiped away whatever budding feelings I had for her. I told her this today, Tuesday, and she took it about as well as she could have, in the situation where the one you like rejects you because they don't feel the same way. Having been in that position before, and rather recently too, I know the best thing I can do for her is to give her space to cope and accept this, and hopefully move on. 

One of three things will happen afterwards, one of which happened with the girl who rejected me. One, she'll hate me and not even try to speak to me again, if not outright ignore me. Two, we'll still be friends, sort of, but we'll just grow more and more distant as time goes on, until we don't even speak any more, but at least that would be on more neutral terms than #1. And then there's the last one. Three, we'll become even closer friends than before, possibly best friends. I think option two is the most likely out of all of them. (On a side note, the option that happened with me and the girl that rejected me was also option two. (On another side note, also referred to as a side side note, a girl who I liked a long time ago is now one of my most trusted and best friends. (I don't like her that way now, obviously, but thought I would make that clear)))

I won't go into details of the sexual encounter for the moment, but maybe at a later date... If I remember it!

No poem today, unfortunately, but oh well, I can't be a literary genius all the time! *winky face*

But I do have another topic to talk about! It's kind of morbid though. Someone at my school committed suicide recently, and while I didn't know the girl personally, a few of my friends did, and from what I saw, it's really not easy on them, having someone they know kill themselves.

At the risk of getting my ass yelled at, I would like to say that while I don't condone suicide, it is the persons choice, and while I see it as the cowards way out, I respect the fact that it was their choice to make.

I've gone through some serious stuff, but while it's possible I may have had times where I very briefly contemplated suicide, I knew that things would get better, so I stuck through it and I still stick through things. Things certainly aren't as bad as they used to be. And also, by saying this, I'm not implying that other people have gone through less shit than me, other people have certainly had to wade in deeper shit than I have, but the severity of each persons situation is more opinion based, I think.

The thing is, there are times where it's painful to be stuck inside my head, whether that be physically or emotionally. The physical times are when my sensory issues, namely hearing, are more to the front than usual, like in math class, almost every day when the teacher is, well, teaching, my head is ringing from how loud everything sounds. Sometimes it's also in my head though. I haven't had one of these moments in a while, but one particular one that happened earlier this year was more severe than the others, and for a moment I had wanted out of my own head so badly that I had contemplated suicide, and then when I realized I had actually thought about it, even for a split second, I broke down crying, and I mean the real ugly kind of crying.

Thankfully, one of my really awesome friends was up at this point in time, her name starts with R, you know who you are :D anyways, she was up (It was the middle of the night.) and she was there for me when I needed a friend the most. She helped me calm down and talked through with me why I had contemplated it. I don't specifically remember what had triggered it, but I know it was from a certain chapter in a certain book. 

I don't even know what point I'm trying to make, to be honest. In fact, I'll leave this up to others to interpret. Though, one last thing. While I've contemplated it in the past, I would never, ever, EVER, actually commit suicide, because I understand that things will get better and that I have a lot more to live for and experience.

I think that's it for this post, goodnight y'all.