Losing a Part of Myself

Something that I've noticed at this point is that in relationships, I tend to lose a part of myself in them. It varies, depending on the relationship, but who I am before the relationship and who I am during it are two different people. I do believe that I am doing this change unconsciously.

In my first relationship, I was very quiet and anxious most the time, generally happy to let my counterpart do the talking and such, as she was (and still is) a social butterfly. But I don't even know if that could be considered a relationship, it lasted approximately a week or two, at which point she broke up with me for another guy. I don't begrudge her that, in fact at this point I'm thankful, I struggled with a obsession over her for a long time though I don't mean that in a creepy way. To put it simply, I was hung up on her for a long time and it made life difficult at times.

My second relationship, I had to be a confident and strong individual for my counterpart, due to the fact that she had severe depression and was suicidal, but I was not ready for that responsibility nor ready to deal with her baggage, which she herself had not dealt with yet. She thought she herself could be happy as long as she was with me, but she suffocated me with her presence and often made me feel guilty when I wanted to be on my own. She manipulated me a decent amount, enough that I broke up with her. Though it was also for the fact that I felt used, both for sex and as a tool to make her happy.

I hadn't yet learned how to communicate with my counterpart at this point and wouldn't learn until after my third relationship, though I did try to communicate in that one, I still held important things back.

But in that third relationship, I lost a lot of my silliness and was too serious and insecure most of the time. My third relationship and best by far was with Raven. It lasted four or five months, I think. We "bickered like an old married couple." Said our school librarian. We had fun bickering and arguing though. It was our thing. But I wasn't honest with her enough and she didn't always tell me what was wrong and relied on social cues that I couldn't pick up (in time).

I didn't tell her that I was extremely insecure over the possibility of her falling for other guys more than she fell for me, which made me crazy jealous of her being around guys, even our mutual friend who I knew was interested in a different girl. I obviously don't have a high self-esteem. I know I'm not the most handsome guy, nor the most interesting. I didn't really understand what she liked about me and she was never able to tell me what she liked about me either. I enjoy physical affection, but she hardly showed me any in public after a time and that became difficult on me. I over-reacted a lot and got super anxious over small things. She didn't entirely understand my personality nor I hers.

(I swear this ties back in to the original point, just give me a few more paragraphs!)

And one major thing that I think we didn't do but should have done was manage our time together better. We spent too much time together, often making us burnt out on each others' company. We had first period together and walked between classes almost all the time and then spent hours together after school together. Now don't get me wrong, I loved spending time with her, but at heart we're both introverts and that was too much for both of us I think.

She felt smothered and suffocated. I felt like she didn't tell me things. We both fucked up, but I think I fucked up more. Some of it, I couldn't help, some of it I could. I know we aren't likely ever going to get back together, so I'm still working on getting over her. The point of talking about all of this, though, is that I felt like I lost a part of myself when I went into the relationship, but that I also lost another part when she broke up with me.

I was truly in love with her and my actions caused her to fall out of love with me. The part that I feel like I lost is the part that actually wants to be in a relationship. Maybe that's just post-breakup feelings talking, but I don't want to be with anyone else right now or in the near future. Maybe not in the far future. I'm done with it all. I wanted my last relationship to be with Raven. I don't like the constant pain of failed relationships. I hate it, actually.

So there are my musings on that personal subject. Hope you all enjoy reading this and constructive feedback is always appreciated!

Fear Equals Jealousy (At Least For Me)

This is a very real and very common feeling that we all experience at times. For some, it might be a more common occurrence while for others it might be their first time experiencing it. But the differences come from where the root of the jealousy is. Is it from anger? Betrayal? Fear? It's hard to say.

For me, it comes from fear. I fear a lot of things, some more and less than others. My biggest fears, I think that they arose after Emily. I think I made posts about that when I first started this blog, though really it's a personal (not so personal) online journal for me. Anyways, way back when I dated Emily and she broke up with me and almost immediately started dating someone else, I think that's where these fears started.

The fears being that I'm scared of losing who I am interested in to someone else. That they'll realize they don't like me that way, or that they don't like me that way anymore if they did in the first place. That they'll leave me for someone else, someone more good-looking, funnier, someone they connect with more. Someone better than me. Even thinking about these fears starts making me feel like crap. Like I'm worthless and not good enough. Inferior.

Raven and her family went up to a town farther up the state this weekend, I wasn't able to go with, so that sucked. Although because I wasn't able to go with, I was able to go to a couple of parties. And no, not teenage wild parties, just small bonfire parties, they were chill. So there were some positives.

But Raven met a couple guys up there, made friends with them, which is good for her, but when I found that out, my fear (and therefore jealousy) rose up. Now instead of just bottling these feelings up to deal with them at a later point, I closed my eyes and tried my best to sift through them and figure out what was wrong. Which is how I got to my fears.

Knowing what is wrong helps a lot, but they're still there and I don't know what to do. Do I accept them or reject them? Do I ignore them? I don't know what to do with them at all. I don't like feeling this way, I want to be able to not worry about this stuff. And these aren't from a lack of trust, either, I trust Raven. They're from my own feelings, of course. From my past experiences.

Woo! Best! Day! Ever!

Today I found out that Raven likes me too. Which makes me extremely happy. Although the events leading up to me finding that out were agonizing.

It was 4th period and as per usual, I was enjoying talking with Raven when I could, though eventually I had to go to my seat and get my work done. But shortly after I sit down, my friend Nick comes over and tells me that he heard from a friend that Raven likes someone else. This, of course, upset me. I hid it quite well, just politely trying to shoo him away because I needed to think and keep my emotions under control.

Now, I don't trust almost anything unless it's right from the source, but it didn't stop my mind from going on a god damned pessimistic spree of self-torturous events that left me more upset each time. This all going on for almost an hour. But what I did to help it was focus on my work and blast Sleeping With Sirens in my ears for most of that time. It distracted me a bit, but not entirely.

Eventually I went over and started joking and talking with Raven and I kid you not, my mood did a 1 freaking 80 and I was in a decent mood again! I don't know how, but being around her almost always cheers me up without fail.

Class ends and we do our normal thing of walking out of the class and talking, though shortly afterwards I do bring up the question as to whether she likes me back. She questions why I had to bring this up to her, and I explain that I don't want to get super invested in her, only for her to reject me and me be all sad and moody for months. Turns out she is just really awkward when it comes to admitting feelings for someone, but I did get her to answer the question just before she got on her bus. She said yes, she does like me in that way! Fucking made me the happiest person in the school at that moment, and still to this one too!

I was so scared that she wouldn't return my feelings. They're really intense and strong feelings, too. I don't know her level of feelings, but I do know mine. It would have left me extremely devastated if she had rejected me.

But, all in all, great fucking day. Just, freaking brilliant!

(Technically she's not my fish yet, cause I haven't asked her out, but we both like each other, so all you other fish can merrily fuck off :D)

Magical Safety Dragons For All!

To follow up on the ending of the last post, the reason for this blog was a two-part thing. One: Because I almost never find any blogs on teenagers with Asperger's Syndrome, I wanted to start my own since there weren't any really that I could find. Two: I needed a safe place to vent that wouldn't directly affect my personal life. By that, I mean I wanted to be able to vent without always having to go to a specific person to do so. It's a sanctuary of sorts.

So. I like Raven. Most of you are probably un-surprised, I made it fairly obvious. I'm still not going to ask her out though. I just want to take my time and go at a pace I'm comfortable with. So much in my generation is rushed, we're so impatient, it's crazy. This time though, I'm going to be patient and take my time.

I recently did some research into demisexuality. The word popped into my head the other day, as words tend to do for me, so I looked it up and I felt sort of resonant with it. Here's the definition:" A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone. It's more commonly seen in but by no means confined to romantic relationships. The term demisexual comes from the orientation being "halfway between" sexual and asexual." I don't fall for people that I don't know. Physical beauty only kicks in when I find an emotional connection with them. At least, in most cases.

This would also explain why I usually only find an interest in people I'm friends with, since when you make a friend it's because you're socializing and developing an emotional connection with them, though that is usually in a more platonic sense. I do generally think of my friends in platonic ways. Usually. Some of them are quite beautiful, so... (I mean, they're all beautiful in their own ways, but not all of them appeal to me in the physical sense.)

Anyways, back on topic! I told Raven I liked her yesterday. She didn't really react, well, she did, but not in a way that I interpret as negative nor positive. It was sort of a neutral reaction, so maybe she didn't know how to? I don't know, but as I told one of my best friends last night, I'm just going to play it by ear, see how things pan out. I'm not going to over-think things or worry too much about them, that simply won't help me in this situation.

Here, have a magical safety dragon!