Something that I've noticed at this point is that in relationships, I tend to lose a part of myself in them. It varies, depending on the relationship, but who I am before the relationship and who I am during it are two different people. I do believe that I am doing this change unconsciously.
In my first relationship, I was very quiet and anxious most the time, generally happy to let my counterpart do the talking and such, as she was (and still is) a social butterfly. But I don't even know if that could be considered a relationship, it lasted approximately a week or two, at which point she broke up with me for another guy. I don't begrudge her that, in fact at this point I'm thankful, I struggled with a obsession over her for a long time though I don't mean that in a creepy way. To put it simply, I was hung up on her for a long time and it made life difficult at times.
My second relationship, I had to be a confident and strong individual for my counterpart, due to the fact that she had severe depression and was suicidal, but I was not ready for that responsibility nor ready to deal with her baggage, which she herself had not dealt with yet. She thought she herself could be happy as long as she was with me, but she suffocated me with her presence and often made me feel guilty when I wanted to be on my own. She manipulated me a decent amount, enough that I broke up with her. Though it was also for the fact that I felt used, both for sex and as a tool to make her happy.
I hadn't yet learned how to communicate with my counterpart at this point and wouldn't learn until after my third relationship, though I did try to communicate in that one, I still held important things back.
But in that third relationship, I lost a lot of my silliness and was too serious and insecure most of the time. My third relationship and best by far was with Raven. It lasted four or five months, I think. We "bickered like an old married couple." Said our school librarian. We had fun bickering and arguing though. It was our thing. But I wasn't honest with her enough and she didn't always tell me what was wrong and relied on social cues that I couldn't pick up (in time).
I didn't tell her that I was extremely insecure over the possibility of her falling for other guys more than she fell for me, which made me crazy jealous of her being around guys, even our mutual friend who I knew was interested in a different girl. I obviously don't have a high self-esteem. I know I'm not the most handsome guy, nor the most interesting. I didn't really understand what she liked about me and she was never able to tell me what she liked about me either. I enjoy physical affection, but she hardly showed me any in public after a time and that became difficult on me. I over-reacted a lot and got super anxious over small things. She didn't entirely understand my personality nor I hers.
(I swear this ties back in to the original point, just give me a few more paragraphs!)
And one major thing that I think we didn't do but should have done was manage our time together better. We spent too much time together, often making us burnt out on each others' company. We had first period together and walked between classes almost all the time and then spent hours together after school together. Now don't get me wrong, I loved spending time with her, but at heart we're both introverts and that was too much for both of us I think.
She felt smothered and suffocated. I felt like she didn't tell me things. We both fucked up, but I think I fucked up more. Some of it, I couldn't help, some of it I could. I know we aren't likely ever going to get back together, so I'm still working on getting over her. The point of talking about all of this, though, is that I felt like I lost a part of myself when I went into the relationship, but that I also lost another part when she broke up with me.
I was truly in love with her and my actions caused her to fall out of love with me. The part that I feel like I lost is the part that actually wants to be in a relationship. Maybe that's just post-breakup feelings talking, but I don't want to be with anyone else right now or in the near future. Maybe not in the far future. I'm done with it all. I wanted my last relationship to be with Raven. I don't like the constant pain of failed relationships. I hate it, actually.
So there are my musings on that personal subject. Hope you all enjoy reading this and constructive feedback is always appreciated!
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