A Sacred Place

Here's something. This place is my secret retreat. My meditation room. My sacred place of peace. And you know, there are things in my head that I want to enter into this place, but I'm scared to. Because they are things from the monster inside me. We all have that monster, you know? For some, like me, it lies close to the surface, just behind the veil. If you look hard enough, you'll see it. No one has yet to.

What am I supposed to think about myself when I have thoughts like "Go kill yourself." and "I hate you." and "Leave me the fuck alone." rolling through my brain? I barely keep them contained. Of course, I also only ever say what people want and expect me to say, so it's not like I have to actually worry about saying the cruel, the evil, the nasty things that pop into my head.

There's a side of me that wants to just curl up and die, let the monster take over. Another that wants to break off all contact with all friends, live the life of a pure recluse and just be alone. Yet another piece of my soul doesn't want to do any of these things. It wants to be happy and socialize with others, to get out in the world... I'm still up at 1:24 AM typing this up, because I don't want to go to sleep, I don't want to go to school tomorrow, I don't want to deal with my depressed girlfriend, or my friends and school, or my own life. I want to sit here, play video games, sink into their world and not have to deal with the shit that is going on right now.

But I can't. No one will let me and I wouldn't even let myself. I kind of want to cry, but I cried way too much Saturday night, and i really don't want ot have to deal with that again. Honestly, I"m tired of crying and just want my walls to come back up. I want my heart to be stone cold and don't want to love or feel or be conscious or anything.

I'm not talking about suicide either, I don't want to not feel that kind of anything. I just don't want to feel my emotions right now. I want to close my eyes and lose myself in the world of my mind. In fact when I'm closing my eyes right now, it feels like I'm floating away and spinning. It feels so disconnected from the world. My hands feel like the size of boulders, but at the same time it feels like they are hundreds of feet away from me. I feel like a giant and a mouse at the same time. It's a glorious feeling that i don't get to feel often. I can't force the feeling, ever, it just comes and goes whenever it wants to.

You, being the readers, probably think I'm high or something, but I have actually never done drugs before. I did take my first shot of whiskey last night, or the night before I guess I should say at this point. I wonder if having drugs in my system, like weed, would improve this disconnected feeling that I'm getting right now? Probably, but I still have no interest in smoking it.

Oh well, I'm done for the night. This was just a general vent night. Time to go cry over the 0 on the art project I'm gonna get tomorrow, and my shitty grades in all my other classes except for the hardest class I have, which is the class I have the highest grade in. Also, fun fact, the two paragraphs before this one I typed with my eyes close, with very minimal error fixes, mostly just capitalization. But this one I fucked up a lot, even though my eyes were open. I type better with my eyes closed.

Depression

You may think by the title "Oh, he must have depression," but that isn't it. My girlfriend has depression, is the thing. And last night, it almost killed her. We've been dating for approximately a month now and have really strong feelings for each other. We're in love, to put it simply. But this love has come with a price, so to say. Yesterday, we spent the whole day together, but we spent the last hour of it crying our eyes out because she told me she was going to kill herself that night. Eventually, I told her to take me home. On the way there, we had to stop twice because she couldn't see cause of the tears. Somewhere between the 1st and 2nd stop, my emotions shut down because I couldn't handle them anymore.

The second stop was caused by her feeling like she needed to puke, but not being able to and coughing so much her nose started bleeding. It was at that point that I called my mom to come get us and that I told her everything. Because she hadn't yet known that Hannah had depression or anxiety or any of that, but I knew my family could help her, so I told my mom, which certainly didn't make Hannah happy.

When we got to my house, we decided Hannah was staying the night. One, so she couldn't OD on her stash, which was her plan. Two, so that my mom and brother, who have both dealt with depression before could talk to her and find out what medications she was taking, all the technical details. Once my brother got off of work and got home, we all went to the kitchen and had a chat about it.

Afterwards, I had my mom take a look at Hannah's most recent cutting wounds and clean them. That really pissed Hannah off. She hit me, multiple times, at which point I almost retreated to my room because I will not put up with physical abuse. But she pulled me back and I stayed with the warning of her not to hit me again. She growled at me a lot. So when all is said and done, we just chilled out together for the rest of the night before falling asleep with each other.

Today, we spent more time together. It was fun, for the most part. Had a little excursion out onto the roof for a few minutes, spent some time trying to watch Daredevil, though the show isn't really to my taste. I like Arrow and The Flash better. Anyways, eventually her mom and dad stopped by to pick her and her car up. Honestly, I was feeling extremely overwhelmed with everything and was a little relieved to be separate from her. That was a little short lived though, because then she started messaging me on skype and then texting me. It's not that I don't enjoy talking with her, I do, but sometimes, I want some me time.

And here lies one of the biggest problems, because sometimes I do want me time, but if I tell her that, she's gonna get all sad and shit and I can't handle that. Being the reason she's sad. But the problem right now is that I have no idea how to handle her when she's in a depressed state and it's stressing me out more.

Another big issue is that I can't like tap into my feelings like normal people can, I'm almost always unsure of how I feel about her because those feelings simply rise up whenever they feel like it. I don't have much feeling behind saying "I love you." When I'm with her, I don't feel much more happy or sad. I don't know what my life is right now and I don't know if I need to find a way to escape this relationship or if I should stick it out. More often than not I'm just saying what people want to hear, not what I want to say. Most of the time, I don't really want to say anything.

Life Stuff

So, here's some life update for y'all. Things are going good between me and my girlfriend. I have really strong feelings for her. Like, "in love" feelings for her. Of course, we have our ups and downs, but really, things are good right now.

Last Friday, I went out to eat dinner with her family for her mother's birthday dinner. I got to meet her parents, general family, and her moms' side of the family. That was... an interesting dinner. It was fun, that was for sure. There was an uncle that everyone was warning me about and stuff and I didn't know what to expect when I met him. And let me tell you, there is no experience quite like talking to that dude. He's funny and cool as hell and will never say your name, he'll always use other peoples' names when addressing you! Seriously, that was a fun night. Then I got to have Hannah, my girlfriend, drive me home and we hung out at my house for a bit. That was also fun. She got to meet some of my family and all our cats and dogs XD She's been over a few times since, though I won't go into detail on any of it. I think the only member of my family that she hasn't directly met is my sister that goes to college. She hasn't been around any of the times my sister is able to make it down here.

Today has been a rough day for her, so right now, as I'm typing this, I'm trying my best to comfort her through text.

There's not much to say, really. So I guess I'll just leave it at this, for now. Peace y'all (Oh and she has this sexy as fuck southern accent.)

Hidden Heart

Flippant words,
Sinking down,
A wounded heart,
Fallen foe.

Sometimes, I really, truly wonder if other people realize how thin-skinned I am. Flippant and offhand remarks can really hurt me, yet people still seem to make them. Maybe it's cause I'm so good at hiding that hurt.

A hidden heart,
Deep in the void,
Locked in chains.

She has the key,
Unknown to her,
Unbeknownst to Them.

 A slow movement,
Turning around,
A click,
And the chains fall to the ground.

Filling in Up to Today

Okay, so you want to know what happened with the girl in my 1st? Nothing. She crushed my crush for her and got back together with her ex, who she is still with to this day :p I'm glad she did though, because I met this amazing girl named Hannah a couple of weeks after school started back up who is actually now my girlfriend. Wanna know how I met Hannah? With a kiss. Yup, a kiss. She was complaining to her friend that her lip hurt and for her to kiss it better. Her friend refused to, so I raised my hand up and said "I'll kiss it better!" And she said okay and leaned over with a kissy face. I was actually stunned and asked her friend if she was serious. Her friend said yes, she was serious. So I leaned over and kissed her. Now mind you, it was just a peck, but still, this immediately did something to me, and boom, insta-crush.

Even though one of my friends warned me not to get invested in Hannah, I ignored her and got to know Hannah. Turns out she got back together with one of her exes the next day or so after our kiss, but I still wanted to be her friend at least, because she seemed like a cool girl. After really getting to know her and learning some serious stuff about her, I still wasn't dissuaded in my feelings for her, but got confused a few times about stuff happening, which is where my "Time to Become a Monk" post came from. Now after the event that inspired that, a similar one happened the next weekend, but this time I went through it the right way and she broke up with her ex to give me a chance. Over the next week, she wanted to do a trial run thing and we acted like any normal couple, although we weren't officially dating until the Thursday of last week. Today being 2/4/2016, Thursday. I don't really care about "1 week anniversary" bullcrap, though if we make it to a month, then I'll be more excited.

We've gone on one date so far (and boy, what memorable date that is (get your minds out of the gutter)) and that was plenty fun, saw Ride Along 2. I'll be honest, we spent at least half the movie run time kissing in the back corner. :p

Things were going pretty good, up until today. Today, I felt like being silly and doing little jokes, but it seems every time I made a little joke, she didn't get it or just straight up took it too seriously. Now, as it turns out, during lunch I tried to make a joking face and use a over the top offended tone as a joke when she called me lame, and I didn't find this out until after school when me and Hannah were fighting over my attitude today, that the tone came out a lot less joking than what was intended. So, I hurt Hannah with that, and I think I did some other things too that hurt her, though honest to fucking god I have no god shitting clue what those are, but apparently I "wasn't there for" her and shit, so I'm still, as is quite obvious, kind of peeved over that. I'm a blunt person people. You can't play around the problem and fucking expect me to get it. It doesn't fucking work like that in my brain. This turned PG-13 really quickly. Anyways, I apologized to her and stuff, so we'll see how things are tomorrow. I hope this has helped catch things up with everyone. (On a side note, I'm failing Art 1)

Peace y'all!

Winter Break Story

So, I'm lazy as fuck. My friend on Wattpad (and one of my favorite authors too), RickyPine, wanted to hear the whole story about what happened in the TL;DR post, and I've been super lazy about it and hadn't even started writing on that yet, so I'm gonna do that now, since I don't feel like gaming and don't feel like doing homework.

At the start of the break, I had two events quickly coming up, and there was much trial and tribulation concerning those two events, because they were both on the same day. One of them started earlier than the other, but after a couple of hours, the time at which one is going on and the other starts and happens intersect. So my choices were 1. Go to one event, but not the other or 2. Try to go to both. After much discussing with friends and thinking things over, I, at first, decided on option 1, but after being guilt tripped for a while by the host of the other event, I eventually just told her I would go to her event, but in reality I went with option 2. Getting the ride to and from these events involved some begging and stuff, and although I felt really guilty for making people drive me around so much, (because the two events were so far apart from each other) I managed to get to the first event.

The first event was Emily's (my ex) birthday party. It was her sweet sixteen and actually her first party ever in all her years of living, so I really wanted to go and make it fun for her. It was a lot more fun and definitely more low key than I thought it would be, and I'm glad I went. But alas, I had to leave about two hours after arriving because of the other event. While I worked out my ride situation, because that wasn't set in stone and was constantly changing, we played scrabble. When my sister arrived to pick me up and take me to the other event, I said my goodbyes and half an hour later, I was late to the other event, but I was there.

This event was a secret Santa party. This was also fun and I'm glad I went to this too. Not a whole lot happened, other than the gift getting/receiving, with which I got a gift card and a bag of chocolates (which were tasty as fuck). We hung out for a few hours, and then my dad picked me up and that was that for the night.

Over the rest of the winter break, I spent time trying to talk with Emily, but she kept getting annoyed with me trying to talk and be friendly, so I eventually gave up and thought about it like this: "Screw these feelings, screw her, screw it all." and thus, was officially ready to move on from her. But just before school started back up, I had this strange ass dream that gave me the name, age, and gender of a person. The name I almost immediately forgot, because I'm terrible with those, but I remembered the age and gender. It also gave me a sort of vague and general description of them. Turns out the dream was prophetic, because the person it was about is in my 1st period, I find out the next day. But yeah, that's my Winter Break Story. I'll continue filling everyone in on the next post, which will be leading up to present time stuff.

Peace y'all.