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It's more than black But less than white. It's not grey It's every color we see And every shade it can be. There are unseen dept...
Friday, January 22, 2016
Time to Become a Monk
I don't know why I even talk anymore. Anything I say just causes pain and suffering. People listen too much to what I say and I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I should just talk as little as possible now. That way, I won't hurt people, because I'll have said nothing for them to be hurt or caused pain by. I feel like I'm gonna cry, because I'm causing pain to someone I care about even as I type this. I have feelings for her and I both just want to be her friend and to be something more. Right now, I don't think it's healthy for her to be even around me though. I'm ruining her life with just a few words like "You're my friend." or "I care about you." I should just shut up and say as little as possible, because words are too powerful. Almost everyone says "Actions speak louder than words." Well, I think I've proven them wrong, not that I ever fucking wanted to. Fuck. That's all. Just... just fuck.
Monday, January 18, 2016
Routine
Okay, so school has been back up for two to three weeks now, and one of my biggest issues is that I haven't been following my routine. My routine is extremely important because it keeps me on track and not distracted by video games, girls, shows, etc. And it helps keep me calm and in functioning order.
So, this post I'm gonna do a TLDR;
Over the break, got over remnant feelings for ex. Fed up with this or that, yadayada. Have dream before school starts, sort of prophetic, sort of random shit. Gives me name, age, and gender of someone. First day of school, meet person that dream told me about, got feelings for her. She has complicated relationship with ex. Gets back together with ex. Feelings get crushed. Spends next two weeks floundering about. Finally realizes (today) that I need to get shit together. Starts to get shit together.
So that's the TLDR; Tell me in the comments if you want the full story in a post, and I will provide, but until that happens, this is what y'all get.
Of course, this blog also became part of my routine, and so it shall be again, cause honestly, having a place to vent is extremely helpful. No judgement or opinion can intrude on this eternal solace, cause no one comments. People may read, but no one comments, and that's fine. Honestly, that's fine with me.
I think that's all for tonight, comment if you want, or don't, whatever is fine. Night and Day y'all.
So, this post I'm gonna do a TLDR;
Over the break, got over remnant feelings for ex. Fed up with this or that, yadayada. Have dream before school starts, sort of prophetic, sort of random shit. Gives me name, age, and gender of someone. First day of school, meet person that dream told me about, got feelings for her. She has complicated relationship with ex. Gets back together with ex. Feelings get crushed. Spends next two weeks floundering about. Finally realizes (today) that I need to get shit together. Starts to get shit together.
So that's the TLDR; Tell me in the comments if you want the full story in a post, and I will provide, but until that happens, this is what y'all get.
Of course, this blog also became part of my routine, and so it shall be again, cause honestly, having a place to vent is extremely helpful. No judgement or opinion can intrude on this eternal solace, cause no one comments. People may read, but no one comments, and that's fine. Honestly, that's fine with me.
I think that's all for tonight, comment if you want, or don't, whatever is fine. Night and Day y'all.
Panicking
Burning in my chest,
Swiftly look left,
Look right,
Panicking and flight.
Do this and that,
Follow the pattern,
Exercise the routine,
Simmering in my chest.
Fold the clothes,
Take the dishes,
Listen to music,
Dull throb in my chest.
Breathe deeply,
Breathe evenly.
Chest returns to normal,
Everything is fine.
Everything is fine...
Is it?
Swiftly look left,
Look right,
Panicking and flight.
Do this and that,
Follow the pattern,
Exercise the routine,
Simmering in my chest.
Fold the clothes,
Take the dishes,
Listen to music,
Dull throb in my chest.
Breathe deeply,
Breathe evenly.
Chest returns to normal,
Everything is fine.
Everything is fine...
Is it?
Thursday, January 7, 2016
In Pieces
A feeling deep inside,
Something lost and scared,
Crushed too many times,
It shivers in fear,
Of another time.
It hides in my heart,
Beneath the shards,
Through the shreds,
Stuck with shrapnel.
Can someone repair it?
Bring it back,
Help me to feel again,
To love again?
I feel so apathetic at times now. I worry about whether or not I am actually going to like someone else again, after Emily. Even now, after I'm moving past Emily, I still always notice her if she is entering or in a room. I wish I didn't. I wish i could just ignore her. She broke my heart, and I don't know if someone else will be able to repair it or not. "You're still young. You'll find someone else. There is someone out there for you." I hear this from people so often, but the thing is, I'm different from most people. I'm not a neurotypical, things don't work for me the same way they work for others, so how can you expect love to be the same too? Now, most people don't actually know that I'm an Aspie, it's not something I tell everyone. But still, what am I to do? I can't figure out my feelings worth a damn, other than anger and sadness. The best I've ever done with them is bottle them up, and the cork only comes out when it can't deal with the pressure any more. But after some of it is released, it just goes right back on, until it builds up again to an unbearable point again. It's a never ending cycle for me. I write this blog so people will understand what I go through somewhat better, but also so people might help me. I'm still a kid in some aspects, I still have growing up to do. In other aspects, I'm quite mature, more so than some of my generation. But all in all, I really am still a scared kid waiting for some help.
Something lost and scared,
Crushed too many times,
It shivers in fear,
Of another time.
It hides in my heart,
Beneath the shards,
Through the shreds,
Stuck with shrapnel.
Can someone repair it?
Bring it back,
Help me to feel again,
To love again?
I feel so apathetic at times now. I worry about whether or not I am actually going to like someone else again, after Emily. Even now, after I'm moving past Emily, I still always notice her if she is entering or in a room. I wish I didn't. I wish i could just ignore her. She broke my heart, and I don't know if someone else will be able to repair it or not. "You're still young. You'll find someone else. There is someone out there for you." I hear this from people so often, but the thing is, I'm different from most people. I'm not a neurotypical, things don't work for me the same way they work for others, so how can you expect love to be the same too? Now, most people don't actually know that I'm an Aspie, it's not something I tell everyone. But still, what am I to do? I can't figure out my feelings worth a damn, other than anger and sadness. The best I've ever done with them is bottle them up, and the cork only comes out when it can't deal with the pressure any more. But after some of it is released, it just goes right back on, until it builds up again to an unbearable point again. It's a never ending cycle for me. I write this blog so people will understand what I go through somewhat better, but also so people might help me. I'm still a kid in some aspects, I still have growing up to do. In other aspects, I'm quite mature, more so than some of my generation. But all in all, I really am still a scared kid waiting for some help.
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