Halloween, The Day To Hand Out Candy (And Eat Said Candy) And Some Fucked Up Past

So, I said in my last post that I would talk about why I have to put up a facade (don't have access to the accented c) in front of others, and I will. After I talk about other stuff.

Yesterday, I got home to find out that I wasn't connected to the Internet, even though it SAID I was connected, nothing was actually connecting. So, I half-destroyed some stuff, slammed other stuff, then took a shower to cool off, hence the shower sulking for like 2 hours. Anyways, I digress. I obviously have the Internet fixed now, so yay. The issue was that I was on our old providers Internet, not the new one, but now I'm on the new one, say yeah, problem solved :)

So, with still a sore throat and some nasal issues, I'm kinda tired. Today was fairly active for me. Who knew sitting in a car, restaurant, car again, then a chair for hours could be so tiring, eh? I actually spent half the day- okay, a quarter of the day lazing around with no Internet, watching Tomorrowland and reading a book on Wattpad at the same time. Then I went to lunch with my dad and his friend Nick, and we discussed game nerd stuff, like Fallout 4, the Xbox One Elite, the Xbox One Elite Controller, and then they talked about Forza (bleh). Then Nick came over and fixed my Internet issues (yay!). In a few hours I'm gonna step outside to freeze my ass off handing out candy, whilst eating the candy I'm supposed to be handing out (what, I'm not allowed some?!). I like to do parentheses after a sentence (got a problem with that?). :p

Okay, story time. I shall now tell you of my past. Snippets of course, spread through out various blog posts, but in as chronological an order as I can muster.

So, when I was in like 1st grade, I really didn't have any friends. At all. Looking back on it now, the person who I called my only friend at the time really wasn't even my friend, he was just a boy who took pity on my and my lack of ability to socialize normally. But outside of school, I still didn't have any friends, so I was bored a lot, and hell, I got along better with older people anyways, which leads up to some fucked up shit. But I digress. Anyways, I lived in relatively the same area for 1st and 2nd grade, one street over was this teenager, I don't remember if he was in middle or high school, but he was at least 5 to 10 years older than me. I liked to hang around him a lot, I pretty much worshiped him, I found him so cool as a kid. He cut down trees in his backyard with a machete, smoked, walked around barefoot all the time, played video games, pretty much the ultimate bad ass in my eyes. And then things get weird.

I was young, I had no idea what he was having me doing was wrong or illegal. But what he had me do was... suck his dick. Yes. He had a 1st/2nd grader suck his dick and play with it. I don't remember if I was curious about it, or if he had me do it. But either way, he allowed it, it was illegal (I'm pretty sure) and if not illegal, extremely morally wrong. I don't remember if there were other things, but what I do remember is one severely vivid memory of one of those times where he was having me play with it. My mom still talks to this dudes' great grandmother, who he lived with at the time. I could tell her about what happened in that house. I probably should. But there's this little part of my brain that wonders if I imagined the whole thing. I don't know, I don't think I did, but who knows, really. So yeah, that's some of my past, and that's all for this post.

I'll catch y'all later, and thank you Ricky Pine for being my first follower :) Alex signing out.

Broken Inside

So, yesterday was depressing.

I woke up and I was fairly upbeat, lazed around until I had about half an hour to get ready, and then so I did. School was eh, I was sorta anxious and hyper, which are both the same thing for me, really. Still getting these god damned stupid moments of something when I see my ex. They're really annoying, because I just want to move on and get over her. Sometime before 1st and after 2nd, I was thinking to myself "I wish I was more obviously broken." Skipping forward, 3rd period was... interesting, to say the least. We have lots of weird conversations in our group. I think at least half of it was about sex, and what constitutes as sex, and then two of them debated on whether you can lose your virginity in lesbian sex. Lots of weirdness. Anyways, 4th was uneventful, had a quiz, was easy. Then came Writers Block.

So, Writers Block. This is a writing club I got to every Friday, where we write about various things, and they are sometimes stories, other times poems. This time, it was a poem. We looked at some poems and then wrote our own. I wrote one. I didn't share it at the end, like I usually do. For two reason, 1) I don't have a way with words like some of the others do, so it wasn't that good and 2) It's extremely personal and related to my daily life. Which is why I'm gonna post it on here. Maybe some of you random internet peoples will understand. Oh, I shared it with two people there.

Here it is:

What I Want by Alex

I want others to see.
To look past my persona.
To notice how broken I am.

I want to be real.
To cry when I feel like it.
To break down when I need to.

I don't want to be fake.
To act around my friends.
To ignore my feelings.

I want to be happy.
To have a life.
To be more than I am.

I don't want to be ignored...
To be forgotten...
To be left behind...

I want someone to look,
And see me.
Understand me.
Like me.
Not a persona...
Not an act...
Me.

And then I went home and sulked. I think I sat in the shower for like, 2 hours. Yeah, yesterday, I was very depressed. One of my friends thought I was gonna commit suicide, which I wasn't, and I'm not going to. But I just want to meet someone who can look past my facade, and see the real me, not the act I put up in front of others. And in the next post, I'll talk about why I have to put up a facade.

That's all for now, sorry for the day late post, bye y'all.

Various Topics Today, Maybe More Tomorrow?

Holy crap, so it says I have 31 page views. Not that I really understand what that means, but I assume it's that 31 people have looked at my blog, which would be freaking awesome! Now, onto the actual blog post.

I woke up today ten minutes past my alarm to head to my bus stop, and I just know that the bus has already come and gone, so that's just great. To top it off, my throat felts like someone was shoving a red-hot iron bar down my throat. It still feels like it's burning, even now. So I got up, drank some water, and had my dad drive me to school just in time to catch the bus to another school. (I go to a normal high school, but we have this separate place that brings in students from two high schools in its area, and this place is like a career cluster oriented place for us, it has culinary arts, robotics, engineering, programming, and more. It's quite a cool place, and I go there for half the school day.)

Riding there is sort of boring, but I amused myself by reading a book on my phone. I like to read on Wattpad a lot, and there is this story on there called The Elemntals by silversnowleopard, anyone reading this blog needs to go over to Wattpad and read her stories, they're awesome! Anyways, nothing really eventful happens until I sit down to eat breakfast, at which point I drink some milk and orange juice to go with the sausage biscuit I'm eating (Hint: I LOVE sausage biscuits.) and low and behold, instead of helping with my throat, they make all the taste in my mouth go sour and my throat hurt even more, and it is not until 3rd period that I realize that I've gotten a sore throat again and that drinking the milk and OJ made it a whole lot worse.

1st and 2nd go by relatively fast, with inappropriate jokes being made here and there by my friends. I'm still noticing my ex immediately, and even though I say I'm over her, being around her almost every day doesn't help. But there's also the fact that I always have fun when I'm around her, and there are also times when I'm in such a rotten mood that it's only through her antics that I can get out of it. I hope she never finds this blog, because I would be completely mortified if she saw this. But anyways, I'm trying, nevertheless, to- wait a minute, why is nevertheless considered a word. What the actual fuck. Anyways I am trying to move on, but I'm just a complete social mess when it comes with talking to girls. I can't flirt. I can try to make a conversation with a girl, but I tried I think twice in the past two days and it just doesn't work for me. I'll keep trying, though honestly, with this sore throat, it's probably better if I just wait until I'm not sick anymore.

Another thing is that I've been reading a lot of blogs and posts about people with AS and their marriages with NT (Neuro-Typical) partners, and it scares me. Because many NTs said that when their AS partner married them, in most cases from what I could tell, the AS partner completely changed into a different person for them, sort of like dropping a persona. And they also became asexual, not caring about sex at all. And it also said somewhere that we often excel at the infatuation stage from copying stories, people from shows and movies, and that sort of thing, and while that is true, it's still creepy and scary for me, cause I don't want to end up like that. I don't want to find someone I can love and be loved by in return, marry them, and completely change how I act around them. The fact is, it scares me.

And I know that not all aspies are the same, and that we all have varying levels of our AS qualities and stuff, for example I don't have sensory issues until I become annoyed, and then every little bang or loud noise is like another bucket of water into the tank of irritation, slowly or quickly rising. And anxiety levels increase rapidly for me, to the point where I'm constantly paranoid if I can't keep it under control, and I'm also more on the possessive side, but like I said, the qualities seem to vary in how intense they are. Getting back on track, what I'm saying is that the persona dropping thing seems to be prevalent in many aspies, but for all I know it's just a misunderstanding.

But, oh well, I guess I will find out when I'm older, eh?

So, in 3rd period today, we did a class discussion on the novella Ethan Frome. Terribly dry and boring book, by the way, but if you like Naturalism novels, it's the book for you! Anyways, the class discussion was quite heated and many time the teacher had to strike her gavel and call "Order in the court!" Yes, my teacher actually did that. Anyways, she also gave us a final project for this book, and I must say, I do not look forward to it that much. But I did get some enjoyment out of debating with my two group members on whether or not oral sex is considered sex. I consider it sex, while not the whole intercourse kind of sex, it's still sex in my eyes. In one of their eyes, I'll just refer to her as M, M sees it as not sex at all, and another, I'll refer to this one as C, C understands that it sort of depends on ones' perspective on it. I still stand by my view as oral being considered sex, whether or not intercourse happens.

Onto 4th, nothing interesting really happens here, I mean, it's math class. MATH. Basically, math is boring. The most exciting thing that happened was that after I had walked out of class to use the restroom, and gotten back, I was offered a piece of gum by some people I hold a rather decent amount of dislike to, but I accepted nevertheless, (again, why is that a word?) out of politeness, but when I grabbed it, saw and felt that it was empty, and all their friends busted out laughing at me. I immediately folded it up, tore it in half, tossed the wrapper at the girl who had offered it to me without looking, and muttered "Children" under my breath. A few minutes later I hear something land on my desk and look down to see another gum wrapper, but this time with gum actually in it. One of the people who I dislike had given it to me as a sort of apology for the childish prank from before, so I accepted it and thanked her (different girl) and yeah, that was 4th.

Now, bus rides home, these tend to be... interesting. There's this bitch on my bus, and while I would like to say her name, I'm trying to keep other peoples' names out of here, no matter how much I despise them. And oh do I despise this girl. She's the 'act like your friend then stab you in the back and spill all your secrets' kind of girl. There's another girl on my bus (audience gasps in surprise that there would be two girls on my bus) that is sort of friends, sort of enemies with the bitch, but really dislikes sitting next to the bitch, so I sit next to her so that she doesn't have to deal with the bitch. I'm gonna start capitalizing that now. The Bitch. Anyways, so I personally think the girl is too nice to tell The Bitch that she simply doesn't want to sit next to her. And whenever I get told or asked to move by The Bitch, or anyone else for that matter, I just say "It's up to her as to whether I move or not." and point to The Girl. I've decided capitalizing The Girl will clear things up a tiny bit. Or if it doesn't, it just looks cool to me. And again, anyways, today, there were a few more people than normal, so I got asked to move and said and did what I do in these situations and The Girl said in a resigned tone that it was fine, so I moved over to another seat. I'll talk more about bus rides home in another post at some point.

OH, I just remembered, my ex and a mutual friend of ours were going to the library to play Undertale on the computers, so I tagged along, and finally got to see some gameplay of Undertale. Interesting game, quaint, and it actually looks sort of fun! And while there, I was in a sort of close proximity with my ex, and she brushed past me a few times and I had to cringe to avoid touching her. Now why might I do this, you might wonder? Well, unlike aspies with higher sensory issues, I don't have a particularly high issue with it, though I still don't like people randomly touching me. Anyways, I was trying to avoid touching her to avoid the inevitable flow of feelings that would come with that touch. We were only together like two weeks, but that was all the time I needed to fall for her hard and fast. Which might be why it hurt so much when I hit the ground.

Hmm, what to title this one? Too many different topics discussed today...

Well, that's all I have for today. have a good time y'all, Alex out.

Another Day, Another Piece of Pie Saddened...

So, today I woke up a bit on the wrong side of the bed, and so I pretty much woke up already irritated. But I did all my normal things, got up, dressed, showered, walked to my bus stop, combed my hair, not all in that order. And so, on my way to school on said bus, I decided to look something up. I looked up "aspie fight or flight", and came across this amazing blog post talking about a bunch of the behaviors in people with AS and ASD (Asperger's Syndrome and I am pretty sure ASD stands for Autism Spectrum Disorder) and how AS people are in fight or flight mode most of the time, how anxiety and Sensory Integration Dysfunction (SID) feed off of each other, since our sensory systems are usually hyper aware, when our anxiety increases, so does the sensory, and it just continues until we are on the edge, and whether we regain our balance or we fall could be one way or the other. The blog says that "other issues such as OCD, paranoia, anger and rage rise commensurately, even though there may be no external reason for such." Which is true, for me at least.

When I'm anxious, I tend to try to work off my energy by moving around and being hyper, but it doesn't always work. I also tend to get irritated very easily when I'm anxious, and so stuff that might normally not affect me or that I should be able to just ignore sets my teeth on edge and my fists clenching. All day today I've been hovering on that very fine edge of the cliff, keeping it together, barely. What doesn't help is that my ex, whom I'm still friends with, is someone I'm always acutely aware of. If she's in the room, I'll immediately spot her, no trouble at all, and while I've mostly dealt with my lingering feelings for her, I still can't stop myself from wondering what she's doing, or where she's going, or who she is gonna date next and this just compounds my anxiousness.

I can keep my irritation and anxiety at bay usually by distracting myself with a good book and some music, but once I have to stop to go to the next class or do something, it all comes back, and then proceeds on its path towards the edge, inching closer and closer, like snail, I think. It hasn't gone over the edge yet, but it's getting there.

On another note, while feeling irritated, anxious, and tired for most of the day, (keeping up a mask of calm and collectedness is tiring work, man!) I did try to talk to this attractive girl that's in my 3rd, but while I am better at socializing now than, let's say, a year ago, I'm still woefully ineffective and adding onto my nasal congestion, my voice sounded weird and it probably wasn't very attractive to her for me to be wiping at my nose every few seconds. (Cause it was runny too, it goes between runny and snotty to dry and swollen, I think would be the appropriate terminology? in this weather, which right  now is cold rainy, though the sun has come out a bit.)

Anyways, I failed miserably at talking with her, and so just kind of drifted off after my failed attempt and didn't try again. I'm honestly finding it hard to find anyone other than my ex as attractive, but I'm trying, and if worse comes to worse, I won't find another girlfriend at this school, but maybe in college, especially because my ex won't constantly be around me then!

And another thing, it really isn't easy always trying to appear calm or happy around everyone. In fact, I want someone to notice that maybe not everything is alright as it seems sometimes. There are times in which I'm in an absolutely miserable mood, but I continue to act as I normally do, because I either want someone to notice instead of just having to tell someone, or I don't want to tell anyone anything. It has taken me years to perfect my mask, so maybe it's too perfect. 

In middle school, I was often provoked into emotional outbursts by the other kids, they often found it funny to wind me up and watch me explode. Maybe it was partially my fault, for letting them get to me, maybe I could have acted differently, but all I know is that in 7th grade, they pushed me too far, and so I learned to shut down my emotions while at school, and more often than not, at home too, so as to not alarm anyone or let anyone know I was vulnerable. That's how my mask was created and it has done its job well.

But I'd rather not end this on a sad note, so I'll tell y'all something super duper extremely secret! I don't like pie!

That's all for now, Alex signing out, peace y'all!

My First Blog Post (and thoughts from my mind)

So, today I was walking through the halls of my high school, and I thought to myself, "It's rather interesting to examine the relationships of people around me." And so I do. I was watching one person act all friendly and stuff with another girl and I wondered if he was still dating the girl I see him with usually. And so he is.

I think that I often examine other people and their interactions to sub-consciously note down what people do in their respective social situations. I think that I do this to survive in my social interactions, and not mess up horrifically and embarrassingly. For example, I was at a friends' birthday party a few nights ago and one of the kids just randomly left without telling anyone, and everyone except maybe one or two (I was one of the one or two) were worried about him. I was a little worried, but not overly worried, as I didn't know the kid and the stuff he does, but that's besides the point. The point is that one of his closer friends started talking about he hugs people when he arrives and hugs people when he leaves, and never doesn't do that, and since he didn't do that this time, it worried her. But what I took from this situation was that it was actually really smart to hug your friends goodbye, and since I was in a more outgoing mood and had a lot of fun at this party because of that, I hugged everyone goodbye when I left, I even hugged one of the people that I don't get along with real well!

(On a side note, the dude was fine, he actually did just leave without telling anyone, but he got scolded harshly for that :p )

I honestly think that my study of other peoples' actions is one of the reasons I have made it to where I am today, socially. A lot of aspies (people with Asperger's Syndrome) seem to have trouble socializing and get isolated by their peers because of the way they are, from what I've gathered from my research on the internet. I say research on the internet because I don't know anyone else with Asperger's Syndrome in real life, or even on the web, so I can't say from physical experience other than my own personal ones that this happens. (Also, has anyone noticed that if you try to say Aspergers too fast, or with a lisp of some kind, it sounds like you're saying ass-burgers?)

Since this is my first blog post, and heck, my first try at blogging, I don't really know how to close off this, so I'll just say bye and for you to comment on anything if ya want to. Oh and some advice on how to blog would be appreciated too!