Self-Harm

When you think of self-harm, you probably think of cutting oneself with a blade or something like that. Or maybe breaking your own bones. Hitting yourself. Well, there are more ways to harm yourself than just cutting, and more ways than the physical.

There's self-harm in the form of mental torture. Going over the worst of the worst possibilities in your mind, the most harmful to your emotions, your self-esteem, your state of mind. That's something I do fairly often and there's very little I can do to prevent it. A line from from the song Can You Feel My Heart by Bring Me The Horizon is very akin to this. It's "I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim"

No matter how hard I try to stop it, they'll always come rushing back up at me until I mentally give up and let it happen. Sometimes I'll even welcome it, because it'll be a way to express the feelings I have to bottle up.

It gets the worst when I have someone I like. Because then I'll torture myself over the smallest things. I wanted to go to the mall today, to go to Hot Topic, with my love interest, but she couldn't go. So the torture for this particular event was that she lied and went on her own, and I found out because she let it slip while we were hanging out in the library. Then I run out, jumping and knocking over computers to get to the door as fast as possible while she calls out and chases me. I get out and just sprint down halls until I get to the Freshman hall. I go into the bathroom and collapse in a relatively clean corner and just freeze, trying to hold in the tears. A school administrator finds me and wants to take me back to class, but I refuse to go because there's a group of people in there who would gladly tear me to shreds if I gave them the right ammunition. Time skips to 4th where I share a class with my love interest. Here, I just sit in my chair, headphones in and volume maxed. It's myself trying to ignore her as she's in tears next to me trying to explain.

That's just one example of my many ways that I can mentally torture myself, or maybe just one instance of what went through my mind while I lay in bed and try not to cry. Similar to right now.

I haven't updated my blog in a while, and the original creation of this was to have a place that I could vent when I needed to, so that's what I'm doing now. Venting. At the very least, it's keeping me from more mental torture since I need to focus on the screen to type. Or was, at least, since I'm done with this post.

The Line

One side is a dream,

A fantasy for the hopeful.

Another is reality,

A life for the lonely.

I walk this line,

This line between my lives,

I wonder where I'll fall,

On the left or the right?

The left is filled,

Filled with hate,

With anxiety, sadness,

Emptiness.

The right is filled,

Filled with love,

With contentment, happiness,

Life.

Where will I fall?

Fear of Being Replaced

Okay, it's been a while. Prom has come and gone, it was fun. I made two new friends. David and Raven, they're siblings. I made a terrible joke on accident concerning them because I didn't have all the information that I needed. But they didn't hold it against me thankfully and I actually got to know them. I'm really enjoying the time I get to talk with them and interact, especially with Raven.

I just smile like a goof when I'm with her, she's fun and interesting, even though she's sort of quiet and introverted like me. I may like her, I may not, it's not something I'm particularly inclined to think about right now, because honestly, I'm still dealing with the after effects of my relationship with Hannah.

I didn't realize it until recently, but she left a sort of psychological/emotional mark on me due to the manipulation that I went through with her and it's just left me feeling like I don't want another relationship for a while. On top of that, I don't want to rush into something again, I want to develop a friendship and get to know the next person I end up with. Whether that person will be Raven has yet to be seen, but for now, I just want a friend.

Though a new fear has popped up and that is my fear of being replaced. I'm scared that she's gonna replace me with someone she shares deeper and more common interests with. Just thinking about it makes me lose motivation and it feels like I need to cry. Because I can honestly and easily imagine it happening.

Yesterday during lunch, we were chilling near the entrance to the library cause there were teachers having a meeting or something by the spot we usually were in, and just talking and chatting about things. One of her other friends comes in and joins in on our conversation, though I can't contribute as much because it's about manga and I don't read much manga, but I still can add something to it.

Then my ex and friend Emily comes in and joins the conversation, and that's the point at which I'm basically ignored and can't add much of anything to the conversation. So I just sit where I had been sitting and watch them get excited and happy and become friends and that's when my fear started.

Because Emily has so much more in common with her and I know firsthand how easy it is to be sucked into her. So now I'm scared that I'm gonna be replaced and that the 1 on 1 time I had talking with her during lunch is going to be lost because Emily is now going to start appearing to talk too. And I can't voice any of these worries to her because 1.) I don't know how to even start and 2.) I'm scared that I'm gonna freak Raven out or something and she won't talk to me anymore.

Late Night Update

Okay, here's the deal. On Friday, I was internally freaking out so much about asking Emily to prom, that I was not able to do it in person. Something was holding me back. So I asked her via Facebook messenger and the damn messages did not go through AT ALL. I never got another chance to talk with her after lunch, so yeah.

Prom tickets aren't being sold anymore, so I'm going solo, but that's perfectly fine. I don't get what the stigma is on going alone? I mean, I wanted to go with Emily, but other than that I'm fine with going alone.

I actually spent the whole of Saturday night talking with Emily about various things, but I won't go into that cause that's a conversation between us and I don't think she would appreciate me sharing that with the people of the internet.

I don't think I'm actually going to mention anything about Prom to her to be honest. I'm actually quite happy with how our friendship is right now. The future is fickle and so life will play out how it will. For now, I just want to enjoy what I have and get this school year finished with hopefully passing grades!