Music

"Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believingIt's okay not to be okaySometimes it's hard to follow your heartTears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruisingJust be true to who you are"

Tonight, these are my favorite lyrics. They're the lyrics that I needed to hear in a moment where I was having trouble feeling anything other than soul-crushing emptiness. The song is called "Who You Are" by Kurt Hugo Schneider and Anna Clendening. Anna is the vocalist while Kurt is the pianist. Together, they're an amazing combo. Very good.

Music has always held a special place in my heart. When I was younger, I actually hated almost any and all music, except country, because country was soft enough that it didn't hurt my head, for the most part. I miss those days...

Some days it's difficult to get out of bed and today was one of those days. If I don't force myself out of the mindset I'm usually in in those days, then I'll just stay in it, nothing else can bring me out except for myself. The last time it happened, it got to the point where I started to think about how everyone would be much better off without me burdening them. I'm not going to let it get that bad again, but when I'm like this it's very hard to stop. So this is where music comes in. I have a hard time identifying my own feelings and since music is often written with emotions in mind, whether it's the emotions in the song or the emotions the song is trying to evoke, it helps me figure out what I am feeling, especially when my world is at the breaking point and every thing around me seems bleak and dead. Music has helped me more times than I can count and it will help me in the future probably more times than I expect. So fine the music that speaks to your soul, make a spotify playlist out of it, and have at it!

Time Spent Away

I've never been very good with titles. I never know what to say that will sum things up. So I just try my best but it's always still pretty literal and gives away what I want to talk about, but maybe that's a good thing? Gives you, the reader, an idea as to what you're getting into here on this blog. God, I feel like such a millennial when I think about the fact that I have a blog. I mean, I am one, but seriously, I'm not a social justice warrior, a feminist, an advocate for LGBT+ rights. I'm just an average guy with an average life who wants a place to share his woes. It's probably time to stop rambling and to get onto the point of this- except there really isn't one. It's always random, always what I'm feeling at the time or what I'm not feeling.

Recently I moved in with a family friend, though the deal was that if I wen to live with him my parents would pay about $200 rent to help him pay for his house, but I'm kind of regretting my decision. I'm having a hard time dealing with my family unit, especially after an almost divorce. I clash with my dad more often and I can't handle it when my mom breaks down. I myself shut down, because how do you deal with your mom crying and talking about wanting to die? That's a scar on my soul that's never going away.

My family obviously misses me, I'm the youngest and I've already moved out, though it's not like I particularly love where I'm living now, either. My mom often asks me if I want her to pursue a 3-bedroom apartment and I keep telling her no and she'll ask how it is at the place with the family friend and I'll say it's fine, but it's not really fine. I feel so isolated there.

The family friend I'm living, I'm not just living with him. I'm living with him, his girlfriend, and his girlfriend's daughter. The daughter isn't his. They already act like a family unit though. I feel like a 3rd wheel and a burden on them. I also often feel ignored and forgotten, but what can I say to them? Nothing. I'm just a temporary guest while I get my life together. I don't know how long I'm going to be living there and I don't know how long I'll be allowed to live there. I'm sure at some point I'm expected to get a job, get a life, move out, figure things out on my own. Except I don't even know where to start.

 I know I need a job, but I don't have a resume and I don't have many experiences to put into one. My skills are essay writing, comprehensive reading, and mental endurance...

The uncertainty pertaining to my situation is causing me severe amounts of anxiety. The kind of anxiety I haven't felt since I was with SeAnna. It makes me sick with worry. I feel like I'll throw up when it hits. But I'm also doing that which I do best, procrastinating. I don't want to get a job yet, I don't want to grow up, I still want to be a kid, I don't want to worry about the responsibilities of life. But I have to face my fears at some point, because they'll just pile up and up until they crush me and then I'll fold inwards even more, causing things to pile up more. It's just a vicious cycle. So I'm going to make a long term goal. And them I'm going to set short term goals.

Long Term Goal:
Go to college

Short Term Goals:
1. Make weekly updates to this blog, at the least.
2. Write a resume
3. Get a job
4. Create a savings account for college

Randomly Inpsired Poem

Fractured but whole,
Cracked yet complete.
Shattered but uncut,
Split yet replete.
A heart is set free.

Find The Answer

It's more than black
But less than white.
It's not grey
It's every color we see
And every shade it can be.
There are unseen depths
And unknown tones.
It's a spectrum
But what is it?

Losing a Part of Myself

Something that I've noticed at this point is that in relationships, I tend to lose a part of myself in them. It varies, depending on the relationship, but who I am before the relationship and who I am during it are two different people. I do believe that I am doing this change unconsciously.

In my first relationship, I was very quiet and anxious most the time, generally happy to let my counterpart do the talking and such, as she was (and still is) a social butterfly. But I don't even know if that could be considered a relationship, it lasted approximately a week or two, at which point she broke up with me for another guy. I don't begrudge her that, in fact at this point I'm thankful, I struggled with a obsession over her for a long time though I don't mean that in a creepy way. To put it simply, I was hung up on her for a long time and it made life difficult at times.

My second relationship, I had to be a confident and strong individual for my counterpart, due to the fact that she had severe depression and was suicidal, but I was not ready for that responsibility nor ready to deal with her baggage, which she herself had not dealt with yet. She thought she herself could be happy as long as she was with me, but she suffocated me with her presence and often made me feel guilty when I wanted to be on my own. She manipulated me a decent amount, enough that I broke up with her. Though it was also for the fact that I felt used, both for sex and as a tool to make her happy.

I hadn't yet learned how to communicate with my counterpart at this point and wouldn't learn until after my third relationship, though I did try to communicate in that one, I still held important things back.

But in that third relationship, I lost a lot of my silliness and was too serious and insecure most of the time. My third relationship and best by far was with Raven. It lasted four or five months, I think. We "bickered like an old married couple." Said our school librarian. We had fun bickering and arguing though. It was our thing. But I wasn't honest with her enough and she didn't always tell me what was wrong and relied on social cues that I couldn't pick up (in time).

I didn't tell her that I was extremely insecure over the possibility of her falling for other guys more than she fell for me, which made me crazy jealous of her being around guys, even our mutual friend who I knew was interested in a different girl. I obviously don't have a high self-esteem. I know I'm not the most handsome guy, nor the most interesting. I didn't really understand what she liked about me and she was never able to tell me what she liked about me either. I enjoy physical affection, but she hardly showed me any in public after a time and that became difficult on me. I over-reacted a lot and got super anxious over small things. She didn't entirely understand my personality nor I hers.

(I swear this ties back in to the original point, just give me a few more paragraphs!)

And one major thing that I think we didn't do but should have done was manage our time together better. We spent too much time together, often making us burnt out on each others' company. We had first period together and walked between classes almost all the time and then spent hours together after school together. Now don't get me wrong, I loved spending time with her, but at heart we're both introverts and that was too much for both of us I think.

She felt smothered and suffocated. I felt like she didn't tell me things. We both fucked up, but I think I fucked up more. Some of it, I couldn't help, some of it I could. I know we aren't likely ever going to get back together, so I'm still working on getting over her. The point of talking about all of this, though, is that I felt like I lost a part of myself when I went into the relationship, but that I also lost another part when she broke up with me.

I was truly in love with her and my actions caused her to fall out of love with me. The part that I feel like I lost is the part that actually wants to be in a relationship. Maybe that's just post-breakup feelings talking, but I don't want to be with anyone else right now or in the near future. Maybe not in the far future. I'm done with it all. I wanted my last relationship to be with Raven. I don't like the constant pain of failed relationships. I hate it, actually.

So there are my musings on that personal subject. Hope you all enjoy reading this and constructive feedback is always appreciated!