Music

"Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believingIt's okay not to be okaySometimes it's hard to follow your heartTears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruisingJust be true to who you are"

Tonight, these are my favorite lyrics. They're the lyrics that I needed to hear in a moment where I was having trouble feeling anything other than soul-crushing emptiness. The song is called "Who You Are" by Kurt Hugo Schneider and Anna Clendening. Anna is the vocalist while Kurt is the pianist. Together, they're an amazing combo. Very good.

Music has always held a special place in my heart. When I was younger, I actually hated almost any and all music, except country, because country was soft enough that it didn't hurt my head, for the most part. I miss those days...

Some days it's difficult to get out of bed and today was one of those days. If I don't force myself out of the mindset I'm usually in in those days, then I'll just stay in it, nothing else can bring me out except for myself. The last time it happened, it got to the point where I started to think about how everyone would be much better off without me burdening them. I'm not going to let it get that bad again, but when I'm like this it's very hard to stop. So this is where music comes in. I have a hard time identifying my own feelings and since music is often written with emotions in mind, whether it's the emotions in the song or the emotions the song is trying to evoke, it helps me figure out what I am feeling, especially when my world is at the breaking point and every thing around me seems bleak and dead. Music has helped me more times than I can count and it will help me in the future probably more times than I expect. So fine the music that speaks to your soul, make a spotify playlist out of it, and have at it!

Time Spent Away

I've never been very good with titles. I never know what to say that will sum things up. So I just try my best but it's always still pretty literal and gives away what I want to talk about, but maybe that's a good thing? Gives you, the reader, an idea as to what you're getting into here on this blog. God, I feel like such a millennial when I think about the fact that I have a blog. I mean, I am one, but seriously, I'm not a social justice warrior, a feminist, an advocate for LGBT+ rights. I'm just an average guy with an average life who wants a place to share his woes. It's probably time to stop rambling and to get onto the point of this- except there really isn't one. It's always random, always what I'm feeling at the time or what I'm not feeling.

Recently I moved in with a family friend, though the deal was that if I wen to live with him my parents would pay about $200 rent to help him pay for his house, but I'm kind of regretting my decision. I'm having a hard time dealing with my family unit, especially after an almost divorce. I clash with my dad more often and I can't handle it when my mom breaks down. I myself shut down, because how do you deal with your mom crying and talking about wanting to die? That's a scar on my soul that's never going away.

My family obviously misses me, I'm the youngest and I've already moved out, though it's not like I particularly love where I'm living now, either. My mom often asks me if I want her to pursue a 3-bedroom apartment and I keep telling her no and she'll ask how it is at the place with the family friend and I'll say it's fine, but it's not really fine. I feel so isolated there.

The family friend I'm living, I'm not just living with him. I'm living with him, his girlfriend, and his girlfriend's daughter. The daughter isn't his. They already act like a family unit though. I feel like a 3rd wheel and a burden on them. I also often feel ignored and forgotten, but what can I say to them? Nothing. I'm just a temporary guest while I get my life together. I don't know how long I'm going to be living there and I don't know how long I'll be allowed to live there. I'm sure at some point I'm expected to get a job, get a life, move out, figure things out on my own. Except I don't even know where to start.

 I know I need a job, but I don't have a resume and I don't have many experiences to put into one. My skills are essay writing, comprehensive reading, and mental endurance...

The uncertainty pertaining to my situation is causing me severe amounts of anxiety. The kind of anxiety I haven't felt since I was with SeAnna. It makes me sick with worry. I feel like I'll throw up when it hits. But I'm also doing that which I do best, procrastinating. I don't want to get a job yet, I don't want to grow up, I still want to be a kid, I don't want to worry about the responsibilities of life. But I have to face my fears at some point, because they'll just pile up and up until they crush me and then I'll fold inwards even more, causing things to pile up more. It's just a vicious cycle. So I'm going to make a long term goal. And them I'm going to set short term goals.

Long Term Goal:
Go to college

Short Term Goals:
1. Make weekly updates to this blog, at the least.
2. Write a resume
3. Get a job
4. Create a savings account for college

Randomly Inpsired Poem

Fractured but whole,
Cracked yet complete.
Shattered but uncut,
Split yet replete.
A heart is set free.

Find The Answer

It's more than black
But less than white.
It's not grey
It's every color we see
And every shade it can be.
There are unseen depths
And unknown tones.
It's a spectrum
But what is it?